Monday, April 30, 2012

Weekend Report - AKA Wine is not my friend!

Friday - I was perfectly content at home on the couch drinking nothing.  Dh called from the neighbor's house, asking me to come over, that the other wives had shown up.  I had said no soooo many times lately, that I drug myself off the couch and went to be social.  I really didn't want to and I really didn't want to drink, just didn't want every one to think I was a bitch.  Had 2 beers. No biggy but probably should have only had 1.  Why the second?

Saturday - Went out to Mexican food and had one beer with dinner.  It was nice but probably not necessary. Nothing else.

Sunday - Had my first family dinner at my house since December when I had told everyone I was quitting.  Both sisters questioned me when they saw I was drinking but I talked to them and they are supportive.  I had a really good time.  It was nice to have a glass of wine with everyone and no one felt uncomfortable drinking. I did not get drunk, I did not go over moderate limits, and I do not have a hangover ..... however, I did drink wine and I feel really "weird" for lack of a better term about it today.  I am trying to really look at why I feel a little anxious this morning.  Is it because I drank wine and that was breaking a promise to myself? Is it because I felt a little self-conscious about walking around with a wine glass after my break down last December?  Is it because both of my kids gave me "the look" when they saw the glass?  Is it because although I was not drunk, I also was not fully present?  Is it because it reminded me of when I was struggling?  Is it because it is not my true path and deep inside I knew?

I don't know.  I do know that I will not be drinking wine anymore unless it is one glass with a dinner at a restaurant.  I said that before and although  I did not drink too much wine last night, just walking around with it did not feel "right".  I don't know if I would have felt that same way with a beer or not, but I know I feel that way with wine.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Being honest

Well this weekend didn't go that great.  First off, I did not have a hangover and that is my true measure of progress. but ..... my numbers were not great.

I am feeling a little bit if that "bury it and move on" feeling.  Like I just don't want to look at it, talk about it, feel it, examine it, SEE it.  I just want to forget about it and do better next weekend.  But ..... that is not how I am going to get better.  I promised myself I would no longer be in denial and really look at how I am doing so......

Wednesday - had 1 beer .... wasn't even going to admit that.  I don't know why.  It just sounded good, I was cooking, the thought popped into my mind and before even letting myself think about it, I had one open.  Broke a rule - no drinking on weekdays.

Friday - had 2 - not that big of a deal, but I am starting to get that "It's Friday!  Let's have a beer!" feeling again early in the afternoon.  That's concerning.  I bought my first bottle of wine since before Christmas for my friend who just went through something pretty tough with her daughter.  I think that might have just been an excuse. I could have just bought her beer.  Had one glass of wine with dinner.

Saturday - Had one beer early evening by myself - another rule broken. Kind of like pre drinking since I knew I was getting together with my neighbor.  Brought that bottle of wine over to my neighbors and had wine on her front porch - HUGE rule broken - no partying with wine.  Still ate dinner and drank lots of water, but ended up having 5!  The scariest part of that was that at 10:30 when the wine was gone, I almost opened up a beer.  I really wanted to, but I didn't.  I went home and went to bed. I could sit here and say that it was still progress, but that would be a lie.

Sunday - Another neighbor came over and "made me" come have a beer with her.  Another rule broken - nothing on Sunday if I already drank on Fri and Sat.

Total for the week 9 - UNACCEPTABLE!  What is more worrisome to me than the number is the way my head feels like it is slipping back into those "whatever, bury it, don't see it, do better next time" feelings.  I also woke up Sunday morning feeling a little guilty.  I do not want those feelings back.  I guess I need to figure out what to do this weekend.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I will worry about that tomorrow ....

When I woke up this morning I was thinking about how we (my dh and I) have gotten ourselves into our financial little mess we are in.  First it occurred to me that I was still waking up worrying about something, it just wasn't alcohol.

BTW- let me address that first.  I went over to my neighbor's house after work on Friday and did something I haven't done since before 12/25/12 - the day I decided to quit.  I had one beer with her and when she offered me another right after. I said yes and then drank that as well.  I haven't had two that quickly in a long time.  No water in between, I hadn't eaten yet, no delay.  I was finding our conversation getting into that easy, relaxed state that comes with a buzz.  The ability to talk about pretty much nothing for long periods of time and be totally engaged.  Not having that feeling when talking to people is one of the hardest parts of not drinking.  I tend to get really bored and impatient with conversations and people, frankly. I was waiting for dh to get home.  She was going to another neighbor's with more beer in hand and her dh.  She wanted me to come with her.  Thank goodness I still have my kids at home (hers are grown) bc it is a good excuse to go home and "check in".  My 17 yo dd was with friends, but my 13 yo ds was home.  It is a great excuse and frankly I did not want any more right at that moment.  That is definitely an improvement.  Actually I didn't want any more the rest of the night which is a HUGE improvement!  Those two beers wiped me out.  I was so tired that I just watched tv with dh and ds and went to bed.

Last night I was really craving a glass of wine.  I told myself no wine unless it was with a dinner.  I have not bought a bottle of wine since before 12/25/11.  My dd is having a really hard time with the opposite sex right now so I spent the day with her.  We had a really great day of talking, crying, laughing, shopping for prom jewelry.  It occurred to me that if I would have went with my neighbor I would have not been able to be there for her.  We were sitting outside three places on our way home - Noodles, Chipotle and a liquor store.  We were trying to figure out what ds and dh wanted to eat.  I said to her, "I really want to have a glass of wine right now, but you will give me dirty/concerned/disappointed looks, won't you?"  She gave me this look and said, "Ummmm ...... Yaaa!"  So that was that.  I didn't buy any. thank goodness for her.  Sometimes I worry about burdening my entire family with my issue, but when I ask them about it, my dd says that she is glad I told her.  It makes her respect me for dealing with it and makes her worried about her own addiction gene that could have been passed down.  My ds says, "Drinking is stupid!"  When we went to Easter Service last weekend, he had that little sip of wine and thought his liver was going to shut down!

So last night my dh and I share a large bottle of micro beer (probably less than one beer each).  He went to a neighbor's house and I stayed home and watched a movie with ds and dd (who is never home on a Saturday night).  I kind of wanted one more while watching the movie and I was seconds from giving in and getting one when I asked myself, "Why?  It is 9:00 at night, no one else is drinking here (it is all kids) Why do I need one?  I wanted to try to drink again so that I could have one once in a while with my friends, not so I could sit at home alone (the only not drinking) and drink. I don't think I would call that responsible drinking." I made some popcorn, got a big glass of water, watched the movie and went to bed.  Mission accomplished!

So anyway about the financial issues.  When I was doing a lot of binge drinking on the weekends, I think I pushed a lot of problems out of my mind.  I was either busy working during the week, planning my weekend (aka drinking), drinking or hungover.  I never really had a lot of time to think about anything other than - "how am I going to set up a situation in which I can drink, drinking itself or I feel like crap, I will deal with it tomorrow".  I think I have just been ignoring all other aspects of my life - physically pushing them out of reach of consciousness.  I was so consumed with everything drinking - the positives and negatives - that I was ignoring other things for a long time.  Well, it is time to face the music with my finances.  We have just gotten ourselves into a debt hole that we need to claw our way out of.  I think there may be some kind of "live in the moment, worry about tomorrow ... tomorrow, I just can't deal with that right now mentality that I have been living for a long time that was caused by the drinking hamster wheel I was on.  It was infecting every other aspect of my life as well.  It was very subtle and not really that noticeable until now.  A little scary ....

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Easter Weekend

I thought I would take a minute to catch up.  So .... I had 84 sober days .... now I have had 21 moderate days so far.  Moderate for me means
1.  No drinking on weekdays Mon - Thurs .... check!
2.  Rarely drinking on Sunday (only drank on one and I was off two of the Mondays) .... check!
3.  Rarely have 3 (haven't had 3 yet) ... check!
4.  Only have 1 or 2 ( 2 days with 1 and 5 days with 2) .... check! (I never used to have 1)
5.  No hangovers .... check!!!
So far so good.  I am liking the fact that I can be satisfied with one.  I am trying to really enjoy that one slowly and then get up and do something before I decide if I want one more.  Lots of times I don't.  It isn't about denying myself - I just really don't.  In the past I would just get that second without even a second thought. The only thing that is bothering me a little is 1.  I really kind of fought with myself about having a second last Sunday and I gave in.  Didn't like that  feeling.  I wasn't breaking any of my rules and only had two, but I didn't like that struggle that was going on in my head. And .... I don't like that the 1st weekend it was 1, the second weekend it was 3 and the third weekend it was 5 (that was the Sunday weekend).  I don't like that the numbers are increasing.  I am just trying to be super honest with myself and really watch what is happening.  I do not want to start having hangovers on the weekends again.  I am reminding myself that drinking is a privilege that comes with responsibility.  I can't stop paying attention.