Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Day 1 and 2 and Fear of Failure

Day 1 - Sunday - terrible - I could barely function. 4 hours of sleep as I always do after drinking. heart palpitations, sweating, hot flashes, exhausted yet restless, no focus at all, unmotivated, sick stomach, body aches, chills, some stabbing sort of pain in my head, depressed, racing heart, pounding heart, stomach pains, crying, angry, disgusted with myself, hiding, not showing up to a commitment, fear of communication with anyone, guilty - terrible - my hangovers seem to be getting worse.

Day 2 - Monday - not great - anxiety, heart racing, fear of making it through the day, wishing time would pass, heart palpitations, racing heart, hiding, fear of communication, stomach aches, body aches, depressed, unfocused. Night - insomnia, hot flashes, profuse sweating, racing heart, pounding heart, feel like my heart is turning over in my chest, racing thoughts, anxiety, depression, restless yet exhausted.

Mixed feelings about this weekend. I know I'm not going to drink but go back and forth between, "This might be hard. It might suck not drinking. It might be isolating and stressful not to drink. I hope I can do it." and "I am so glad I 'm not drinking this weekend. Whatever happens it will be a better weekend if I don't drink. I don't need it. I am not drinking for 100 days and that is that so stop thinking about it."

I think I have a huge fear of failure.  I have been down this road at least 50 times in the last 5 years (read my past blog - same story different Sunday). Sometimes I go 6 months, sometimes 1 month, sometimes 1 week, usually 5 days, but more often than not I fail. Actually, I always fail. I am a failure at this quitting thing and I wonder why this time will be any different. I think somewhere deep down I really want to do this but don't believe I can do it. How do I change that internal dialogue?

Monday, September 28, 2015

9/28/15 (Mon) 100 day goal


I can do this and I will do this and I will be obsessive about it.  I will not dismiss this, ignore this, minimize this, push this away, questions this or convince myself I am making too big a deal.  This is a big deal! This is my life, my happiness, my peace, my legacy, my journey, my story, my purpose and I refuse to keep living in this hellhole of binge drinking, hangovers, recovering, rationalizing, ignoring, self-hatred, and selfishness.

I will blog everyday for 100 days. I will record the ups, downs and I WILL ASK FOR HELP!

I will not longer fight the battle alone, in my head, by myself! I can't win like that.  I give up doing this on my own...I can't...I've tried....I've failed over and over.

Today I change my life and crawl out of this black hole that alcohol has held in my for so long.

Friday, September 25, 2015

Fall choices - AGAIN

I love fall!!!  Once again, I am going to make the same commitment to myself that I have made year after year after year.

This will not be my fall season this year. I am not going to spend my fall weekends right up to Christmas break drinking, hungover, lamenting, obsessing, depressed, anxious, exhausted, worried, angry, impatient, hyper, overly busy, overly doing, never relaxing, always going, eating crappy, not exercising, not getting enough sleep.

This will be may fall season this year.  I am going to spend my fall weekends right up to Christmas break relaxed, calm, rested, peaceful, working out, eating well, happy, letting things go, patient, compassionate, empathetic, quite, at peace.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Mental Obseesion

Someone was nice enough to take the time to respond to my post.  It was quite lengthy so they did it via email.  It was very thought provoking. I am posting my response just so I don't lose this thought process in my email.

 "I TOTALLY hear what you are saying about the mental aspect of it.  I am doing soooo much better than I have in the past (I believe in part because of the naltrexone) but when I do drink too much, I just go to such a dark place - a place of failure and defeat.  For some reason, I can't just say to myself, "Shit, I drank too much and now I have to deal with a hangover. Well that suck's!"  and just leave it at that.  I have to go to, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I control it? I should just quit. I am a failure."  

I am an extremely obsessive person, I just choose what the obsession of the decade is. It has been eating (almost had an eating disorder), working out, smoking, now drinking.  

I just so desperately want to be the person that can not drink most of the time, drink moderately some of the time and when I do screw up (hopefully rarely), let it go and move on.  

Your post got me thinking that maybe I have convinced myself that I can't be that person. That it is all or nothing.  That I am either a complete success or a complete failure. Maybe I can be that person. maybe I am already that person. Maybe I have just convinced myself I am not that person." 

Now that I am reading it back to myself a second time, I also wonder if I am just rationalizing letting myself drink...ARGHHHH!

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Tasmanian Devil - aka the mania that comes with drinking


I did drink this weekend.  I didn't over drink, but still drank.

I was trying to explain sobriety to my dh this morning. He has a hangover so he was much more receptive to my obsessive/constant talk about alcohol.

It is so hard to put into words, to explain, the feeling of sobriety but I will try.

When I was sober for 6 months I did have some pretty difficult times where I really wanted to drink.  Like I REALLY wanted to drink and was depressed/pissed off that I couldn't.  That was real and not enjoyable.  I also had some pretty depressing times, like when I really wanted to to drink (REALLY wanted to drink) and couldn't so I just stayed home all mopey and down.  That was also real and sucked so it wasn't all just "rainbows flying out of my ass" as my good friend Kary likes to say.

Here is what was positive about it - what I think I miss.  My highs weren't as high but my lows weren't as low.  I was so much more even keel.  People didn't get on my nerves, comments didn't get under my skin, I was just calmer overall.  I was very much less reactive to everything - people, events, comments, situations. Obviously I slept a ton better - every night 8 hours without waking up. Oh how did I love that sleep.  Just thinking about going to be would put a smile on my face (that seems so weird).

I felt like everything around me just stopped moving so fast.  Everything external was calmer, more peaceful and contained less stress.  It is so hard to explain bc in reality it was my internal that was changing but my perception was that my world was changing around me.

I had this sense of calmness, somehow (which I don't quite understand) it felt less selfish, like everything wasn't all about me.  This is weird bc I feel like even when I drink I am constantly doing for others  being a mother, daughter, sister, wife friend, teacher.  I feel like I am not selfish on the outside - I do for others all the time. But when I am sober I feel like I genuinely care more for others - what is going on with them, why they might be making that comment which might not have anything to do with me.  I can empathize better for others.  I don't take things so personally which is in fact pretty selfish.

Even drinking 4-5 beers only on the weekend robs this from me.  Even that little amount makes me hyper, depressed, anxious, exhausted, hyper sensitive, over dramatic, unmotivated all week.

I seems like when I drink on the weekends I have this veil that I keep over myself all the time that I hide behind.  Behind that veil I feel like the Tasmanian devil - you know how he is just constantly in motion, spinning around himself. I don't have real, caring conversations with people because my head just feels like it is this constant whirlwind state.  I just can't seem to calm down enough in my head to truly connect with people, and that's when I'm sober. It's way worse when drinking.  When drinking on the weekends,  I just seem to keep myself in this manic, super busy, can't calm down, can't stop talking, can't stop doing state all week long.  I have no idea why???  (any ideas out there??) It is exhausting!

Maybe I am emotionally avoiding everyone and everything in my life.

When I am sober - the whole world slows down around me and I realize that it isn't all about me all the time.  There is an undeniable calmness, a sense of peace that comes with sobriety. I think I had just reached the tip of the iceberg as my sobriety only lasted 6 months.  I am in constant fascination of people with extended sobriety and am intrigued by how much better life could have gotten if I would have kept it up.

I really did enjoy that sense of peace and calmness and am beginning to miss it.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

2 last night

I apologize for seeming like a billboard for Naltrexone and I don't know if it is all in my head, but I can hardly drink 2 beers anymore. I do get the same buzz off the first one and still kinda want the second but then I just get tired and am done. It's like that "I need more" voice has been turned off.

Last night I took a naltrexone, had one beer while making dinner, had another while eating dinner and then just got tired and didn't want any more.  My husband was a little disappointed bc he wanted me to go to the neighbors house with him but I just got too tired and didn't want to drink any more.  Watched some tv with ds and went to bed at 10:30.  He went to bed at 2:30 so glad I wasn't with him :)

One side effect I am noticing from this naltrexone is that is makes me feel a little weird in the morning.  My head feels a little dizzy and I'm not quite as "awake" as I would be without it.  I am pretty sure that is the naltrexone, bc on the rare occasion I would only drink 2 beers in the past I would wake up feeling great.  I think it also effects my sleep.  Not as bad a over drinking in which I pop awake after four hours with anxiety attacks and can't go back to sleep, but still makes me kinda restless while sleeping.

I'm kinda glad the naltrexone makes me feel a little off the next morning bc it still pushes me in that direction of not drinking at all.  Even though I feel a little off, I certainly don't have the physical consequences of a real hangover and none of the mental, emotional anguish that over drinking gives me.

I do still notice that my anxiety, sensitivity levels are a little high which I suppose is bc I am still putting alcohol (even at moderate levels) in my system.  The ultimate goal would be to drink rarely, on the naltrexone.  It seems the naltrexone is helping with the quantity, now I need to work on the frequency.

Going on a hile today with my kids :)

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Weekend in the mountains


This is actually where we were and it was beautiful!  We had a great time and I did OK with the alcohol. I really do think the naltrexone is helping but it doesn't last all day.

Friday - I took one, waited an hour, came home form work, had one beer while packing up, got to our place we stayed, had one more and then just went to bed - at like 10:30!  I was so tired. That is very unusual vacation behavior for me. I usually partay that first night and then am mad that I wake up with a hangover on my first day there.  So that was good.

Saturday - I took one around 1:00. I knew how much I like sitting in the sun in the afternoon in the mountains and having a beer, so I took one as a precaution.  Well, yes I did and 4 more which is too much but it was spread out over the course of about 9 hours.  I did not ever get that "I need more" feeling and went to bed around 11:00.

Sunday - Again I took one around 1:00 and had a beer in the sun.  Then I waited a while because we bought ski passes and used it to haul our bikes up the mountain and ride down.  I more at dinner and made the mistake of switching to wine.  I had two at dinner and then two more glasses back at the hotel.  I did get a little buzzed, loud and annoying which I wasn't happy about but not too terribly bad. I did wake up with a little hangover the next day but not terrible.  I think my trouble was that I switched to wine and that I took the pill so early that it had worn off by later that night.

Overall, it was a good weekend.  We were very active which felt great! As for a vacation,  I would say it was successful. I drank a little more than I wanted, but far less than I have in the past.

Last night I took a pill, and only drank 2 beers.  I didn't even feel like finishing the second beer which is a good thing!

Overall, pretty successful I would say :)

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

hesitantly optimistic

Last weekend I think the naltrexone was working.  I did have 3 beers on Friday, but just about the time I would be in that "I need more " stage, I just stopped drinking.  I still hung out with my friends, but switched to seltzer and called it an early night. Saturday we went out to dinner and I had one glass of wine.  My dh went to a neighbors after we got home but I stayed, home watched tv with my ds and went to bed.  The naltrexone makes me feel a little crappy the next day but not nearly as bad as a hangover.  We will see..