Sunday, November 22, 2015

Doing better

Well..I have been away.  I always struggle posting when I have made a grand plan (this time not drinking for 100 days) and then I break that promise to myself.  I feel like a failure.

Here is where I'm at. I obviously did not do my 100 days.  I would have still been posting. But I also haven't gone off the rails either.

I honestly really do believe the naltrexone are helping me.  I am not drinking at all during the week, which hasn't really been much of a problem lately anyway.  My problem always comes with binge drinking on the weekends.  Here is what the naltrexone is doing for me.

On a Friday or Saturday or occasionally Sunday I do want a beer...badly. (I haven't had wine in over a month.  I had to break up with wine because it makes me crazy).  I take 1/4 of a pill one hour before I'm going to drink.  The actual planning and them delaying sometimes keeps me from drinking altogether.  During the hour I eat something and drink something non alcoholic. Sometimes my craving goes away on its own.  I would get in trouble when I would go out after school on a Friday afternoon and continue to drink into the night without even eating. Usually the craving doesn't go away and I do drink a beer after one hour.

When drinking on the pill, I feel different.  I little tired, maybe even a little irritable.  I certainly don't feel that hyped up/let's go do something/let's partaay/super social/can't get enough feeling that led to my binges.  After I finish the one, sometimes I don't even feel like another.  If I do have another, that is it and sometimes it is hard to finish that one.

It's hard to explain the difference.  In the past, when I would drink, alcohol made me happy, excited, hyper, fun loving, social so of course I wanted to prolong that feeling by drinking more.  I am not getting those same "happy" feelings while on the pill.  It's almost like it wasn't really the alcohol that was making me drink was the way I felt about how I was feeling that made me drink more which I realize was actually cause by the alcohol. I realize that probably made no sense or was obvious it's just hard to explain.

Something has shifted in the way I perceive alcohol. I almost look at it like alcohol used to be the enemy, but now I look at it like my feelings towards it and how I felt on it were the true enemy.  This sounds stupid because I realize alcohol was what was making me feel hyper/social/energetic/happy.

Now that I am not having those feelings while drinking, I don't really care to have more than one or two.  The craving is still there in the beginning, but once I take the pill and drink, the cravings don't continue.  I don't seem to be chasing the feelings alcohol gives me because it isn't giving that to me anymore.....does any of this ramblings make sense?????  I don't know....all I know is that I am doing better :)

Saturday, October 10, 2015

The sun is still the same and Leaving Las Vegas

I love that sobermom commented, "The sun is still the same."

Yesterday was a close one.  I was fine in the am and then a fellow teacher said, "Let's get a beer after work."  That's it! I was having a beer in the sun after work with a friend after a long work week.  I had just decided. I just wouldn't blog for awhile (for fear of looking like a failure) and then come back later when I had successfully been moderating for awhile (haha).

Well, she left right after school and didn't say anything.  She prob just mentioned it but wasn't really serious anyway, where as I was thinking about it, stewing over it, debating ever since she mentioned it.  I was glad that the opportunity had not presented itself.  We also almost went to dinner with my sister and I was pretty set on a glass of wine.  Those plans also fell through.  Someone was looking out for me :)

I went home and walked my dogs. When walking I always think about stuff.  The thoughts going through my head were, "Glad that didn't happen. I would have had to change the title of my blog...again. How would dinner have been different with or without the wine? Why did it matter so much? Either I drink for those two hours and then feel bad about it bc I broke a commitment to myself, or I don't drink and am proud of myself.  Why are THOSE TWO hours so important?  It is just a two hour dinner?  Who cares if I drink? Get through the two hours without the stupid drug and the whole next day (like 24 hours) will be better.  Why do I care so much about it?  Plenty of people go out to dinner, go on vacation, socialize, sit in the sun without drinking and actually enjoy it!'

When I went to bed, Leaving Las Vegas was on.  I watched the whole thing again.  Talk about a depressing tale of an alcoholic who literally drank himself to death.  There was one scene where he was laying on the couch sleeping and he started that jerking thing before he had to get up, stumble to the fridge and frantically put alcohol into his system.  That was so scary to watch. I think I rewound it and watched it 5 times. I know I am not even close to that bad, but I have had little feelings of can't get enough  while at a party and I have experienced that terrible feeling in my body when I have a hangover.  I don't physically jerk around, but my heart feels like it turn circles in my chest and I feel sweaty and internally shaky.  I thought to myself, "I don't want to become anything like that."

Was it just coincidence that movie was on right at that time....probably  not.

Friday, October 9, 2015


I am going to be real here and say that tonight might be difficult.  I have had one hell of a week.  I have worked 60 hours this week because we had conferences.  I meet with 34 sets of parents (one conference every 15 minutes) for two days and I am utterly exhausted!  It is Friday, my room is a disaster and I am not ready for next week.  And.....the sun is supposed to be shining this afternoon. Anyone who knows me, knows that is a HUGE trigger for me! I am on day 13 and I don't want to drink, but  I am also not in denial that I may feel differently at 3:00 this afternoon.  I am going to really try to keep a positive mind about it.

My mantra is going to be,

"I would rather be sober." 

I want to enjoy what I am doing, even if that means sitting in the sun or on the couch, fully present and sober.  I want to wake up the next two mornings without a hangover, not feeling guilty, feeling really proud of myself, clear headed, ready to take on the things that I need to get done. I want to wake up Monday morning ready to face the new week rested and positive.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Anxiety - not such a great day after all

After I wrote about how great sobriety was and how great I felt yesterday, I did not have a good day but I did learn a couple of things.  My husband and I got in a "fight" right after I posted how great I felt.  This "fight" brought up a lot of horrifying memories from my past that I would just rather not deal with.  In the end we are Ok, but I had anxiety all day.  You'd have thought I had a hangover. I was surprised that the anxiety all of these memories were causing me was very similar to the anxiety that a hangover causes me.  I had the same heart palpitations, exhaustion, depression, panicky feeling that I would have with a hangover.  It took a couple of hours for it to calm down and then I was exhausted the rest of the day.

The one difference is that I don't still fee it this morning.  It was not drug induced so I don't have to worry about waiting for it to clear my system.  There is no doubt in my mind now that alcohol is causing a great deal of my anxiety bc it felt exactly the same way.

I am thankful that I didn;t also have a hangover on top of the "fight".  It would have made it just that much worse.

history repeats

This was what I wrote on Day 8 3 YEARS AGO!!!  I can't believe three years later I am still dealing with the same BS.

Finally!  I slept well last night and finally woke up feeling good, ready to take on the day.  8 days - it took 8 days since my last binge to finally start feeling better and sleeping!  I think I am now officially physically done with alcohol.  Now it is time to "get my armor on" to take on the mental battle of what is to come!  I need to remember - I can have a relaxing, productive, self preserving, proud, happy weekend.  It may  not be the "fun" that I am used to, but I am not willing to suffer all of the consequences for that kind of "fun."  I need to redefine "fun."

This one was from 4 year ago!!!

This sucks!  I can't get any sleep - night sweats, heart doing summersaults in my chest, rapid heart rate, overwhelming anxious feelings that come and go, feel like my head gets a sudden amount of pressure like is is going to blow up, headaches!!!!!!  When will it stop?  I have not drank for 3 days.  I need some rest!  I didn't even drink that much, for pete's sake - 2,3,4 times a week/2,3,4 drinks usually/5,6,7 drinks 3-4 times a month - and only beer and wine!

Kinda ridiculous I am still dealing with this!  This is exactly why I I can go back and see how stupid this all is and how much of my energy it is taking up.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Sobriety Rocks

It is even more of a beautiful day to not have a hangover!

I went to the car show and dinner and didn't even have one single craving!

I am really trying to change my internal dialogue.  Instead of focusing yesterday on the negatives of not being able to drink such as:
"I need to get a buzz on before the car show."
"How am I going to keep the buzz going? Can we leave? Are we done yet? (so I could have another)"
"How many beers should I have at dinner?"
"How many is everyone else having?"
"Who is driving home?"
"Am I being too loud."
Then all the guilt, shame, anxiety, depression that would have come with failure.  Believe it or not, I am feeling a little anxious even typing all of this...maybe I also need to clean up my blog dialogue???

I tried, instead, to focus on the positives such as:
"I am so glad I am not drinking."
"I am so glad I am not obsessively thinking selfishly about me and my next beer. That I can be patient and let my dh enjoy doing something he loves without me complaining about leaving."
"I am  so glad I can enjoy this evening with my family and be fully present in the moment."
"I am so glad I can fully perceive other people and what is going on around me without beer googles."
"I am so glad I won't have a hangover and will feel better next week."
"I am so glad I am not buying 7-11 cups, drinking some of the soda and filling back up with alcohol as my sister and I once did at a previous car show. How juvenile!"

Saturday, October 3, 2015


So I went to my sister's for dinner last night and it was just kinda weird.  No one was really drinking that much except for her, which still wasn't a lot.  She asked why I wasn't drinking.  I was really honest and told her that I had just recovered from my hangover from last weekend.  She was confused bc she said she didn't think I drank that much and she drank almost as much and felt ok.  I told her that I actually probably consumed 2 bottles of wine by myself. She said, "yeah but over a 6 hour period." I told her that it doesn't even matter any more really how much I drink, that my hangovers are just unbearable - that I didn't get a good nights sleep, my anxiety wasn't completely gone, that my heart didn't stop racing, that I didn't stop getting hot flashes and night sweats, that I didn't poop (sorry that's gross but true) until Thursday! She said, "That's weird."

I said it really isn't and told her about something called "kindling". When you have abused your brain cells with weekend binge drinking 1-4 times a month for 30 years, it causes a lot of damage and that the longer it continues the less it takes to make your hangovers worse and worse.

I told her I just can't do it anymore - that it isn't worth it.  She said, "Well that sucks!" I think she meant that it sucks for me - that my hangovers are getting worse and that I can't drink like I used to.

I really don't think it sucks for me. Maybe it is just a blessing in disguise - a secret little trick that "a higher power" plays on us.  "Fine, you want to keep abusing your body and mind with binge drinking? I will make it harder and more excruciatingly painful to recover! Mwahhahaha!" (that was an evil laugh btw)

Here is part of an article I found on kindling

By continually going through active periods of substance abuse and then periods of sobriety, a person can become overly sensitive to living with – or without – their drug of choice.

If we look at addiction and alcoholism as the chronic and potentially fatal diseases they are, it’s easy to see that the kindling effect is equivalent to a remission of cancer, whereby each new recurrence could be the final, fatal relapse.

These two excerpts from the above article stood out to me the most.

I can say to myself all day long, "I'm not that bad" but I have to admit that if I stay on this road, "I will eventually be that bad."

Is that a chance I am willing to take?  Is this drug really worth the price I could ultimately pay?

This is another article I found. It is lengthy and very technical, but it really goes into the brain damage that binge drinking causes.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Internal Dialogue thanks to Dr. Phil

I am watching Dr. Phil and he said some pretty powerful things to a guest.  I wanted to write them down so  would remember.

He said, " Do you understand the power of language? I's so powerful!As long as you keep telling yourself this ______ (in my case - why can't I just drink like a normal person, not drinking sucks - it is boring, I won't be the same fun person any more, no one will invite me to stuff because I'm not drinking, I wouldn't want to go even if they did bc I can't drink, I should try again, I am such a failure - I can't moderate or quit, I am a bad role model, why am I so sensitive, I really just don't like people anyway bc everyone is a jerk, what is wrong with me?) you are going to keep feeling like ______ (in my case - depressed, anxious, stressed, sensitive, selfish, hyper, obsessives, exhausted, unmotivated, defeated, demoralized, distracted, angry).  When you hit the eject button on all the negative self talk, you need to replace it with something that is more positive."

I have a feeling that if I could replace my negative internal dialogue, my behavior and habits would change.

I need to change my internal dialogue to "I can do this. I can live sober. I can live sober and be happy. I can't drink like a normal person so get used to it. People will still invite me - they probably don't care if I am drinking or not. Even if they do care, I have to do what is best for me and my life and my happiness. I can still be a fun person without the dominating, obnoxious, loud behavior, not drinking is awesome, I can quit, I will be the best role model ever in sobriety. I am a good person who deserves to be happy" so that I can feel "happy, relaxed, proud, positive, rested, focused, calm, physically fit, motivated, at peace."

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Sober weekend apporaching

Well, it's Thursday and I finally got some sleep last night which is par for the course.  It takes me 4 days now to recover from a hangover.

Day 3 and 4 - still tired, anxious, restless, blah blah...

As usual the weekend is approaching and all these plans are starting to come together around me. Birthday dinner for my sister at her house on Friday night, car show Saturday afternoon with dh, dinner Saturday night with my dd, her boyfriend, ds and dh.  All of these would include alcohol. Friday would include a pre IPA beer right after work probably followed by wine at my sisters.  When I am around her I almost always drink too much.  I am trying to figure out why. Maybe because of the uncomfortable feelings I have around some of my family members, maybe just because she is one person that drinks with me. Her boyfriend was the one that said a few months ago when I quit drinking, "Where is the fun you?"  He doesn't drink very much but pushes it on everyone else.  I think he likes to get everyone loosened up, sit back and watch the drama.  I would probably get loud, dominate the conversation and be really mad at myself Saturday but just rationalize that I din't drink that much and I would do better that night.  My dh can't go, so I would probably have my ds drive us home, which he absolutely hates which would make me feel really guilty.  I don't know if he hates it bc he doesn't want to drive or that he is mad that I drank too much so he has to. Saturday I would probably drink beer since I had wine the night before.  The whole time at the car show I would be wanting to be done so I could go home and have a beer.  Then I would drink while cooking and while they were at my house.  I wouldn't get too drunk because these are my kids but I would drink more than everyone else. Then I would wake up Sunday and just feel like such a failure because once again I broke my promise to myself.  I would be depressed, tired, anxious, worried, angry....This is not how I want to spend my life.

It's hard to explain the thought of not drinking this weekend. There is some very big fear of failure and worry that I will want to so bad it will ruin any chance of a good time I might have. But there is also a sense of calm, of mental clarity and a calming down of my thoughts to just know I'm not going to drink and that's that.  It is almost like a battle, a fight that I'm not going to have this weekend.  I don't need to get myself all revved up. Just the thought of alcohol, the consumption of alcohol and the recovery from drinking gets me sooo revved up in my head. It is exhausting. It somehow feels relaxing, comforting, calming to know that I won't have to deal with it.  It is so hard to explain. I don't know if it even makes sense.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Day 1 and 2 and Fear of Failure

Day 1 - Sunday - terrible - I could barely function. 4 hours of sleep as I always do after drinking. heart palpitations, sweating, hot flashes, exhausted yet restless, no focus at all, unmotivated, sick stomach, body aches, chills, some stabbing sort of pain in my head, depressed, racing heart, pounding heart, stomach pains, crying, angry, disgusted with myself, hiding, not showing up to a commitment, fear of communication with anyone, guilty - terrible - my hangovers seem to be getting worse.

Day 2 - Monday - not great - anxiety, heart racing, fear of making it through the day, wishing time would pass, heart palpitations, racing heart, hiding, fear of communication, stomach aches, body aches, depressed, unfocused. Night - insomnia, hot flashes, profuse sweating, racing heart, pounding heart, feel like my heart is turning over in my chest, racing thoughts, anxiety, depression, restless yet exhausted.

Mixed feelings about this weekend. I know I'm not going to drink but go back and forth between, "This might be hard. It might suck not drinking. It might be isolating and stressful not to drink. I hope I can do it." and "I am so glad I 'm not drinking this weekend. Whatever happens it will be a better weekend if I don't drink. I don't need it. I am not drinking for 100 days and that is that so stop thinking about it."

I think I have a huge fear of failure.  I have been down this road at least 50 times in the last 5 years (read my past blog - same story different Sunday). Sometimes I go 6 months, sometimes 1 month, sometimes 1 week, usually 5 days, but more often than not I fail. Actually, I always fail. I am a failure at this quitting thing and I wonder why this time will be any different. I think somewhere deep down I really want to do this but don't believe I can do it. How do I change that internal dialogue?

Monday, September 28, 2015

9/28/15 (Mon) 100 day goal


I can do this and I will do this and I will be obsessive about it.  I will not dismiss this, ignore this, minimize this, push this away, questions this or convince myself I am making too big a deal.  This is a big deal! This is my life, my happiness, my peace, my legacy, my journey, my story, my purpose and I refuse to keep living in this hellhole of binge drinking, hangovers, recovering, rationalizing, ignoring, self-hatred, and selfishness.

I will blog everyday for 100 days. I will record the ups, downs and I WILL ASK FOR HELP!

I will not longer fight the battle alone, in my head, by myself! I can't win like that.  I give up doing this on my own...I can't...I've tried....I've failed over and over.

Today I change my life and crawl out of this black hole that alcohol has held in my for so long.

Friday, September 25, 2015

Fall choices - AGAIN

I love fall!!!  Once again, I am going to make the same commitment to myself that I have made year after year after year.

This will not be my fall season this year. I am not going to spend my fall weekends right up to Christmas break drinking, hungover, lamenting, obsessing, depressed, anxious, exhausted, worried, angry, impatient, hyper, overly busy, overly doing, never relaxing, always going, eating crappy, not exercising, not getting enough sleep.

This will be may fall season this year.  I am going to spend my fall weekends right up to Christmas break relaxed, calm, rested, peaceful, working out, eating well, happy, letting things go, patient, compassionate, empathetic, quite, at peace.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Mental Obseesion

Someone was nice enough to take the time to respond to my post.  It was quite lengthy so they did it via email.  It was very thought provoking. I am posting my response just so I don't lose this thought process in my email.

 "I TOTALLY hear what you are saying about the mental aspect of it.  I am doing soooo much better than I have in the past (I believe in part because of the naltrexone) but when I do drink too much, I just go to such a dark place - a place of failure and defeat.  For some reason, I can't just say to myself, "Shit, I drank too much and now I have to deal with a hangover. Well that suck's!"  and just leave it at that.  I have to go to, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I control it? I should just quit. I am a failure."  

I am an extremely obsessive person, I just choose what the obsession of the decade is. It has been eating (almost had an eating disorder), working out, smoking, now drinking.  

I just so desperately want to be the person that can not drink most of the time, drink moderately some of the time and when I do screw up (hopefully rarely), let it go and move on.  

Your post got me thinking that maybe I have convinced myself that I can't be that person. That it is all or nothing.  That I am either a complete success or a complete failure. Maybe I can be that person. maybe I am already that person. Maybe I have just convinced myself I am not that person." 

Now that I am reading it back to myself a second time, I also wonder if I am just rationalizing letting myself drink...ARGHHHH!

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Tasmanian Devil - aka the mania that comes with drinking


I did drink this weekend.  I didn't over drink, but still drank.

I was trying to explain sobriety to my dh this morning. He has a hangover so he was much more receptive to my obsessive/constant talk about alcohol.

It is so hard to put into words, to explain, the feeling of sobriety but I will try.

When I was sober for 6 months I did have some pretty difficult times where I really wanted to drink.  Like I REALLY wanted to drink and was depressed/pissed off that I couldn't.  That was real and not enjoyable.  I also had some pretty depressing times, like when I really wanted to to drink (REALLY wanted to drink) and couldn't so I just stayed home all mopey and down.  That was also real and sucked so it wasn't all just "rainbows flying out of my ass" as my good friend Kary likes to say.

Here is what was positive about it - what I think I miss.  My highs weren't as high but my lows weren't as low.  I was so much more even keel.  People didn't get on my nerves, comments didn't get under my skin, I was just calmer overall.  I was very much less reactive to everything - people, events, comments, situations. Obviously I slept a ton better - every night 8 hours without waking up. Oh how did I love that sleep.  Just thinking about going to be would put a smile on my face (that seems so weird).

I felt like everything around me just stopped moving so fast.  Everything external was calmer, more peaceful and contained less stress.  It is so hard to explain bc in reality it was my internal that was changing but my perception was that my world was changing around me.

I had this sense of calmness, somehow (which I don't quite understand) it felt less selfish, like everything wasn't all about me.  This is weird bc I feel like even when I drink I am constantly doing for others  being a mother, daughter, sister, wife friend, teacher.  I feel like I am not selfish on the outside - I do for others all the time. But when I am sober I feel like I genuinely care more for others - what is going on with them, why they might be making that comment which might not have anything to do with me.  I can empathize better for others.  I don't take things so personally which is in fact pretty selfish.

Even drinking 4-5 beers only on the weekend robs this from me.  Even that little amount makes me hyper, depressed, anxious, exhausted, hyper sensitive, over dramatic, unmotivated all week.

I seems like when I drink on the weekends I have this veil that I keep over myself all the time that I hide behind.  Behind that veil I feel like the Tasmanian devil - you know how he is just constantly in motion, spinning around himself. I don't have real, caring conversations with people because my head just feels like it is this constant whirlwind state.  I just can't seem to calm down enough in my head to truly connect with people, and that's when I'm sober. It's way worse when drinking.  When drinking on the weekends,  I just seem to keep myself in this manic, super busy, can't calm down, can't stop talking, can't stop doing state all week long.  I have no idea why???  (any ideas out there??) It is exhausting!

Maybe I am emotionally avoiding everyone and everything in my life.

When I am sober - the whole world slows down around me and I realize that it isn't all about me all the time.  There is an undeniable calmness, a sense of peace that comes with sobriety. I think I had just reached the tip of the iceberg as my sobriety only lasted 6 months.  I am in constant fascination of people with extended sobriety and am intrigued by how much better life could have gotten if I would have kept it up.

I really did enjoy that sense of peace and calmness and am beginning to miss it.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

2 last night

I apologize for seeming like a billboard for Naltrexone and I don't know if it is all in my head, but I can hardly drink 2 beers anymore. I do get the same buzz off the first one and still kinda want the second but then I just get tired and am done. It's like that "I need more" voice has been turned off.

Last night I took a naltrexone, had one beer while making dinner, had another while eating dinner and then just got tired and didn't want any more.  My husband was a little disappointed bc he wanted me to go to the neighbors house with him but I just got too tired and didn't want to drink any more.  Watched some tv with ds and went to bed at 10:30.  He went to bed at 2:30 so glad I wasn't with him :)

One side effect I am noticing from this naltrexone is that is makes me feel a little weird in the morning.  My head feels a little dizzy and I'm not quite as "awake" as I would be without it.  I am pretty sure that is the naltrexone, bc on the rare occasion I would only drink 2 beers in the past I would wake up feeling great.  I think it also effects my sleep.  Not as bad a over drinking in which I pop awake after four hours with anxiety attacks and can't go back to sleep, but still makes me kinda restless while sleeping.

I'm kinda glad the naltrexone makes me feel a little off the next morning bc it still pushes me in that direction of not drinking at all.  Even though I feel a little off, I certainly don't have the physical consequences of a real hangover and none of the mental, emotional anguish that over drinking gives me.

I do still notice that my anxiety, sensitivity levels are a little high which I suppose is bc I am still putting alcohol (even at moderate levels) in my system.  The ultimate goal would be to drink rarely, on the naltrexone.  It seems the naltrexone is helping with the quantity, now I need to work on the frequency.

Going on a hile today with my kids :)

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Weekend in the mountains


This is actually where we were and it was beautiful!  We had a great time and I did OK with the alcohol. I really do think the naltrexone is helping but it doesn't last all day.

Friday - I took one, waited an hour, came home form work, had one beer while packing up, got to our place we stayed, had one more and then just went to bed - at like 10:30!  I was so tired. That is very unusual vacation behavior for me. I usually partay that first night and then am mad that I wake up with a hangover on my first day there.  So that was good.

Saturday - I took one around 1:00. I knew how much I like sitting in the sun in the afternoon in the mountains and having a beer, so I took one as a precaution.  Well, yes I did and 4 more which is too much but it was spread out over the course of about 9 hours.  I did not ever get that "I need more" feeling and went to bed around 11:00.

Sunday - Again I took one around 1:00 and had a beer in the sun.  Then I waited a while because we bought ski passes and used it to haul our bikes up the mountain and ride down.  I more at dinner and made the mistake of switching to wine.  I had two at dinner and then two more glasses back at the hotel.  I did get a little buzzed, loud and annoying which I wasn't happy about but not too terribly bad. I did wake up with a little hangover the next day but not terrible.  I think my trouble was that I switched to wine and that I took the pill so early that it had worn off by later that night.

Overall, it was a good weekend.  We were very active which felt great! As for a vacation,  I would say it was successful. I drank a little more than I wanted, but far less than I have in the past.

Last night I took a pill, and only drank 2 beers.  I didn't even feel like finishing the second beer which is a good thing!

Overall, pretty successful I would say :)

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

hesitantly optimistic

Last weekend I think the naltrexone was working.  I did have 3 beers on Friday, but just about the time I would be in that "I need more " stage, I just stopped drinking.  I still hung out with my friends, but switched to seltzer and called it an early night. Saturday we went out to dinner and I had one glass of wine.  My dh went to a neighbors after we got home but I stayed, home watched tv with my ds and went to bed.  The naltrexone makes me feel a little crappy the next day but not nearly as bad as a hangover.  We will see..

Monday, August 31, 2015

8/31/15 (Mon) - Bigger than me

I think I have something coming to my family that is going to need my full attention.  It is huge and I am going to need to be strong and present and there for the ones I love.  It is not going to be all about me anymore. My time of being selfish and always worrying about myself, my issues, my sensitivities is coming to a close and it is about GD time.  There are others who are going to need me and I will be unable to do that if I am so self absorbed with my problems and issues.  Time to grow up...

Friday, August 28, 2015

8/28/15 (Fri) - Drink with me...

"I will never, ever understand why other people care so much about whether people around them drink, as long as they can themselves. "

I read this in an article this morning.  I'll tell you why  - because I am/was one of those people.  

You never, ever want sober people around judging you when you are drinking too much.  It is embarrassing and shameful. In fact, I wouldn't even invite people that I knew didn't drink. That's why....

It's all just so stupid!

Monday, August 24, 2015

8/24/15 (Mon) - Glimmer of hope

I do feel like every time I go through this type of hangover, it does serve a purpose. It pushes me a little closer to giving it up altogether.  I see that light down the road, I just can't seem to get to it.  Its more like I feel it down there - calling to me - pulling at my heart.  I am 47 yo and sometimes I wonder what my purpose is? What is my message to the world? What will be my legacy? What kind of a difference can I make? Maybe sobriety could be it. I could be the inspiration for my family and friends that it can be done with grace, dignity and joy. That I could be completely sober and be at peace, grateful and full of love. Sometimes I truly believe in my heart that the light way down there is where I will eventually wind up. I guess the question is how many ditches do I have to climb out of before I make it?  That, I guess, is only for me to decide.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

8/23/15 (Sun) - Deep dark hole (percocets?)

Deep dark hole is what I google searched this morning.  I feel like total dog shit this morning.  When I woke up, after 4 hours of drunken sleep, I thought about the percocets in my closet.  We have a bunch since my dh has had a couple surgeries and he never takes them.  I thought, "Mabye I should just take a couple to put me to sleep for a few hours until the hangover wears off."  That is how desperate I am for this day to be over.  That is just a sad existence.  I didn't and won't take them but it kinda scared me that I even thought about it.  Another thing that entered my mind is that I could see how people (I was specifically thinking about celebrities like Robin Williams, Whitney Houston and her daughter and Michael Jackson) could actually just take a handful to make the pain and suffering end for that moment.  I bet they weren't thinking about not being around ever again, but that they just wanted relief from the physical, emotional, debilitating, devastating anguish they were feeling right in that moment.  That thought also scared me a little.

Well..I'm not going to do that...I have too much to live for...I'm going to eat something and go back to bed. I just wanted to at least record how I am feeling today. When I do try to get my shit together, it helps me go back and read how bad I was feeling.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

8/20/15 (Thurs) - Loss of stamina/need to do better

Man, this going back to work thing (teacher) is a killer!  I am exhausted at the end of every day! I really need to get my stamina back up.  I know that is not going to happen if I drink too much this weekend.

I am tired of myself. All this internal conflict, fighting, drama I have with this drug. Am I going to drink? How much? When? With who? It all usually starts on Thursday night.  I start making my weekend plans.  Already I have a family dinner this weekend and I know that I purposely made it for Saturday instead of Sunday so I could drink.  I can't change the date now so I am just going to have to remind myself that over drinking this weekend is not going to help my stamina at all. In fact, it will make it worse next week.

I am not going to drink anything on Friday or Sunday and limit my drinking Saturday to 3 glasses of wine at the most.  I am going to make sure to take my naltrexone and try to delay the first glass of wine for as long as possible.I am also going to send any left over wine home with my sisters so I am not tempted to drink it on Sunday.

As I type this plan I feel a sense of anxiety, right in my throat.  I can't explain it - this I now I 'm going to want to drink and and going to anyway. I just felt myself sigh.....with this sense of "Yeah right! You and your big plans. I don't even know why you bother anymore. You never honor your commitments anyway."

Well...that's depressing

Sunday, August 16, 2015

8/16/15 (Sun) - Fail

Well, I drank too much last night and have a hangover.....not much else to say.

I don't know why I keep putting all of these promises to myself on this blog when I don't seem to be able to keep any of them.  Just ridiculous....

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

8/12/15 - “Love of comfort is the enemy of greatness” – Todd Henry.

I was listening to someone talk about a presentation they attended from Todd Henry.  He talked about the 7 sins of mediocrity.  I think I am going to order this book and read it.  It talks a lot about ego, fear of the unknown and the need to stay comfortable as roadblocks to true change in our lives.

These sins are:

AIMLESSNESS: The book's chapter "Define Your Battles" helps you identify what you will stand for.
BOREDOM: "Be Fiercely Curious" provides several strategies to avoid "busy boredom," including what he calls a "bliss station."
COMFORT: "Step Out of Your Comfort Zone" helps you establish a new vector and set step, sprint, and stretch goals on your new course.
DELUSION: "Know Yourself" helps you identify what truly resonates with you and what unique contribution you alone are capable of pursuing.
EGO: "Be Confidently Adaptable" helps you prevent an inflated ego from stalling progress on your most important work.
FEAR: "Find Your Voice" helps you take small, calculated risks every day.
GUARDEDNESS: "Stay Connected" helps you maintain productive collaboration rather than closing off from relationships when things get busy.

In some areas in my life I think I am stuck in mediocrity of this fight with alcohol because my ego tells me I can successfully moderate, my guardedness keeps me from showing my true self to people, my need for comfort makes the challenges of sobriety too much to handle and my fear of never drinking again, not fitting in, looking weird, not having friends, not enjoying vacation, never having fun keeps me from total sobriety.

I am still feeling this morning that my life can have a greater purpose.

Love of comfort is the enemy of greatness” – Todd Henry.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

8/11/15 - Make your Mess your Message

Another great quote I don't want to forget.  There is still part of my that never wants to drink again and be that shining light of hope for the many that struggle - to be that example to my friends and family - that you don't have to drink to be happy. I feel it in me. That this could define me, give me greater purpose, be my claim to fame (so to speak), be what I stand for....

8/11/15 - RIP

For some reason the death of Robin Williams hit me really hard last year.  It could have been because of the dark place I was in when I heard about it. Or it could be that in some ways I can relate to him in the fact he tried so hard to cover up his own struggles to the world with a facade.  I think I do that all the time.  I don't think I do it because I am afraid of what people will think of me in the moment. I know that my friends and family will support me no matter what.  I think it is because I am afraid of what they will think or what that will mean to me in the future.  I don't want to share with them my struggles and then have them give me "the look" if I decide to have a drink.  It is much easier to hide in all of your own bullshit of no one else knows about it.  But hiding in all that bullshit can be a lonely (and stinky) place.

Monday, August 10, 2015

8/10/15 - All in or all out

I don't have to be perfect to be good enough.  I am such an all or nothing person. I am either all in or all out. If I don't think I can do it perfectly or if I feel like some of the process is out of my control, I am all out.  I do this with everything - alcohol, relationships, projects, diet and do I change this?

Sunday, August 9, 2015

8/9/15 - Back to school

Well I go back to school tomorrow.  I am a WAYYY better place than I was last year at this time. Last year I was a wreck! I had just come off of like 10 straight days of drinking (we had gotten stuck on vacation because we were flying standby) and I was a mess.  I started the year in such a dark, scary, lonely place. I am thankful I am not in that place this year.

I say it every year, but this is going to be the year I come into myself, so to speak.  I am going to be 48 years old this next birthday and it is about time I get my shit together.

Here are my goals:

Only work 8 hour days (as a teacher I could easily be at school 10 ours every day)
Tell myself, "It will all get done and it doesn't have to be right now."
Not get sensitive about other people's comments or lack thereof - worry about myself
Not get caught up in other people's drama
Say no - I don't need to have my hand in every jar
Stop feeling like I have to control everything and do everything myself
Trust that other also know what they are doing
Work out 4 days a week - EVERY WEEK
Go to Yoga 2 times a week - EVERY WEEK
Only drink on the weekends and only moderately
Take my naltrexone every time I drink
Drink water
Get enough sleep
Walk my dogs
Eat a clean diet
Try to keep my stress level down
Be a calm, peaceful, positive, easygoing version of myself
Blog at least once a week

I KNOW I can do all of this if my drinking is under control
I KNOW that none of this is possible with over drinking and hangovers

Thursday, August 6, 2015

8/6/15 - Trip to the mountains with naltrexone

I would say my 4 day trip to the mountains was so so:

took hikes every day
didn't eat like total crap
didn't have any drunken fights or crying sessions
only had 13 drinks for the 3 days (none on the last day)

still had 13 for the 3 days
slept terribly
woke up not feeling so hot each morning
am pretty tired today from drinking 6 out of the last 8 days

Differences naltrexone made compared to past trips to the mountains with family (I think). I did dtake a half a pill before the first drink in the afternoon on all three days.

Even though I did drink Sunday, Monday and Tuesday enough to not feel great the next day, I wasn't in the kitchen sneaking drinks, finishing other people's glasses, freaking out that I had to stop drinking for the night.  That was different. I was in bed each night by 11:00 and was fine being done.  I still over drank , but didn't have that insatiable "need" for more that is so bad for me when on  vacation.  This is a very good improvement!

I still slept horrible.  I know that is because of the alcohol not the naltrexone but something that was different was how incredibly dry my mouth, throat, nose and sinuses were during the night.  I even had a bloody nose one of the mornings.  That was different and not pleasant but I don't know if it is because of the naltrexone.  I have also had a couple of dizzy spells and have felt overall a little spacey.  I have read that this can be a side effect but will go away.

SO I think my trip was ok.  I still drank more than I wanted to and I still really wanted to drink on all three of those days, but I think I definitely did better stopping and going to bed.  I am just going to stay the course and see how it goes.

School starts for me Monday so I 'm going to try not to drink any more before then.  Sometimes when I am on my last week of summer I go all out and party which does not set me up for a very positive start to the school year.

This is what I blogged last year when school started.  I don't want it to be the same this year.

I feel so alone right now.  Today at work, I found myself wishing I would fall and hit my heard or something so that I could just go home and go to  bed and no one would know why.  I went back and forth between feeling like I was going to pass out or start crying.  I was ready to quit my 23 year teaching career, walk out the door and never look back. 

Sunday, August 2, 2015

8/2/15 - Naltrexone #2

Last night my family was coming over for dinner.  The first time we have all gotten together since May when there was some drama.  I was a little anxious about the whole thing so I had been pretty wound up all day. I took 1/2 a pill at 5:00 and had a beer at 5:50. After that beer I switched to wine and drank 2 glasses finishing at 9:00.

What was the same - I was still loud (not a good thing), talkative, buzzed, having fun (I think), easily distracted from what I should be doing (cleaning up dinner, etc.)

What was different - I feel like the alcohol hit me a little harder, a little faster. I felt way more buzzed (I hate the word "drunk" as that is what my mom always called my alcoholic father) than I think I should have with only 3 drinks.  I don't know if that is a side effect, but I didn't like it.  My distractability factor seemed worse - like I just couldn't stay focused on a task at all.

Here is the biggest difference and I know I wasn't imagining this one.  Everyone was gone by 9:00. In my book, on a Saturday, that is pretty early.  Normally I would have stayed up drinking another 2-3 hours.  I would have most certainly finished the bottle of wine. I might have even called the neighbors to see if they were still up as we told them we might when everyone left.  Instead, I poured my third glass of wine, sat down on the couch and tried to watch tv.  I couldn't do it. I literally could not stay awake.  It was a very weird feeling.  I had only had 3 drinks, so I was definitely pretty buzzed but not wasted and I felt like I was moving in and out of consciousness.  I could not keep my eyes open and when they closed, I was immediate asleep like almost passed out. It was so weird.  I did that until about 11:00 not even touching that 3rd glass of wine, got up and went to bed.

Normally when I am buzzed enough that I am falling asleep on the couch (which for me is pretty buzzed) I don't even get ready for bed (wash my face/brush my teeth). I just fall into bed and basically pass out. Last night I got ready for bed and even took some advil just in case I woke up with a headache.  I slept pretty good from 11:00-2:30. I woke up and 2:30 and can't figure out if I went back to sleep or not.  I didn't feel like I did, but I think I might have just been in a really light sleep the rest of the night.  Or maybe not because I think I was dreaming. I have no idea, but my fitbit said I got 6.5 hours of sleep. Normally when I can;t sleep, I am tossing and turning and I wasn't so maybe I was asleep longer than I thought.

I don't know...I think this Natrexone is kinda weird.  It makes my head feel a little weird, but I certainly have not drank as much in the past two nights as I normally would have in these situations. And I don't really have a hangover this morning - just a little light headed and my ears are ringing but not my normal "feel like total shit" feeling.

The best thing is that when they party was over, so was I - that never happens unless I am totally drunk.  So..I would say - so far so good.  It is definitely decreasing my drinking so far. Hopefully I am not just imagining it or it is some kind of weird coincidence.

We are going to the mountains today for four days with family which is usually pretty stressful.  I would like to say that I won't drink, but I know I will so I am going to make sure I take the naltrexone one hour before I drink on all three days.  Hopefully it will be a relaxing, hangover free trip.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

8/1/15 - Naltrexone - I tried it

Last night I knew I would probably have a beer when I got done running my errands so I took 1/2 a naltrexone at 5:30.  When I got home at 6:30 I drank an 8.0% beer while I was making dinner.  I got a buzz like I always do and sat down to eat dinner.  After dinner I walked the dogs (around 8:00).  I was surprised at how many people were outside and sober at this time on a Friday haha. After that I came home, watched a little tv, ate some ice cream and went to bed.

Maybe it is the placebo effect, maybe it was the full moon, maybe it was just coincidence but I just didn't want a 2nd beer that much.  I have no idea how long it has been since I have had only 1. Normally I would have been on my 2nd beer during dinner and then probably not even walked.  Even if I would have walked, I would have probably had a 3rd while watching tv.  My brain wasn't screaming at me to have another.  I even ate ice cream (which I never do) and my brain said, "Well, at least it won't give you a hangover."  It is very unusual for my brain to talk me into anything other than alcohol after I have already had one drink.  I did wake up this morning a little spacey but no hangover.  I wonder if it could be the pill as I am pretty sensitive to medication.

I am having family over tonight (the first time since the conflict in May) and we are going on family trip (including my sister and her kids) tomorrow.  The stress of tonight and the way I get on vacation (partay!) are recipes for disaster for me so I am going to be sure to take the 1/2 a pill for the next few days and see what happens.  If it continues to work, and I still feel spacey in the morning, I will try only 1/4 a pill.

Oh how I hope I wasn't imagining it working last night........

Friday, July 31, 2015

7/31/15 (Fri) - Sleep

Sleeping sober is a BEAUTIFUL thing!  Two nights ago - three drinks and less than five hours of sleep.  Last night - 0 drinks and more than 9 hours of sleep.  So much of a difference!

Thursday, July 30, 2015

7/30/15 (Thurs) - Neighborhood

Last night a new neighbor was having a party (on a Wednesday??).  She invited just a few neighbors and some other friends.  Only one neighbor showed up and I felt bad for her so I decided to pop in for just a minute and leave.  Three glasses of wine and I am up this morning after only 4 hours of sleep.  So what happened? I got there and it was really socially uncomfortable.  I didn't know two of the girls and the conversation was awkward.  I couldn't wait to be offered a glass of wine.  After the first glass, it got easier and more relaxed.  No big deal, why can't I just stop at that one or maybe two?  Why do I then have this "need" to continue filling my glass - even going so far as to try to keep the conversation/party going so I can continue to drink even when I initially didn't want to drink last night?  Why do I then get home and then crack open a beer?  I'm not at the party, I should be going to bed, I don't need anymore to drink, but I do it anyway.  For me sometimes, it isn't always about how much I drink, but why I continue to drink when I should be done.  I have the naltrexone but I am supposed to take it 1 hour before drinking.  I made the decision to go 10 minutes before I left.  If I drink Friday, I will for sure take the naltrexone and then wait 1 hour.  If nothing else, it will delay me by an hour and then I may not even feel like drinking anymore anyway.  We will see.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

7/28/15 (Tues) - The wolf you feed

I read an excellent article this morning on Everyday Health 
The article talks about depression, diet and excercise but I feel it also applies to my struggles with alcohol. It begins with this legend:
There is a Cherokee legend about an elderly brave who tells his grandson about life.
“Son,” he says, “Within all of us there is a battle of two wolves. One is evil. He is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”
He continued, “The other wolf is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
“The same fight is going on inside of you, and inside every other person, too,” explained the wise Cherokee elder.
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The grandfather simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Monday, July 27, 2015

7/27/15 (Mon) - Not a great weekend/Renaissance


Not a great weekend.  2 on Thursday, 2 on Friday, 3 on Saturday and 8!!!! Sunday.  We went to an all day festival yesterday and those feelings of "Oh no! I think we are getting ready to leave!! I better get one more before everyone decided to leave!!"  feelings kicked in. That can't get enough voice was strong and panicky. I have that voice!

I had a dream last night that I woke up and could not stop my arms and legs from shaking.  I have always said that I am not bad enough to get the "shakes". Now I just dream that I have them.  Not a good sign.  The universe is I listening?

Thursday, July 23, 2015

7/23/15 (Thurs) - Just don't drink - worry about the rest later

I wanted to respond to a comment Anne Ainsobriety made to one of my previous posts.  She ? suggested to only worry about not drinking right now, that everything else will fall into place once that is taken care of.  I 100% agree with that statement and appreciate the time she took to write me a response. However, I tried it that way and it didn't last for me.  I have stopped my weekend binging many times for a couple weeks, but three times that were a significant amount of time, the longest being 8 months.  I did just stop drinking and didn't care about anything else.  I allowed myself to recover - I ate what I wanted, didn't exercise and I slept  A LOT!  I also didn't socialize much because I either didn't want to deal with a bunch drinking people or I wanted to drink so bad it was just easier to stay home.  While I did not drink and I lost 10 pounds, it wasn't enough to keep me sober.  I can't say I wasn't happy. I was so much happier and at peace without dealing with all the drinking bullshit, but I still don't think I was physically, mentally, socially strong enough to resist in the end.  I think that I do need to focus on all of it.  I need to look at it more as a lifestyle change - one in which I am improving all areas of my self.  I am going to try not to be too hard on myself in any of the areas except the drinking, but I am also not going to just ignore all other areas.  I think I get a little depressed when I do that.  When I quit smoking (after 5 years of trying) I had to do it all.  I had to choose to be the healthiest person I could be and that included not smoking.  Ironically, the only area I let slide at that time (about 20 years ago) was the binge drinking on the weekends.  I told myself that it was the only thing I was doing that was unhealthy.  Back then I could just brush off the hangovers and keep going. They didn't impact the rest of my goals.  Now, the hangovers sabotage every other goal in my life.  I may only drink on Friday and Saturday (with a total of maybe 6-8 drinks) but it is enough to make me anxious, depressed, tired, irritable for 3-4 days.  That is a lot of wasted days in my life that I am no longer willing to give up.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

7/22/15 (Wed) - Mindset

I have been thinking this morning about my own mindset.  I read a book call Mindset by Carol Dweck last year.  It is pretty powerful stuff. I was reading it in the context of my students and myself as a teacher.  One of the premises of this book is that when a student feels they can't do something, the response is "not yet", that everyone is capable of doing whatever they set their mind to as long as they believe they can do it.  As a teacher, I thought about how we (teachers) tend to have a closed mindset in terms of "I have been a teacher for a long time. Don't question my value, worth or effectiveness by suggesting change, growth, new learning."  This book really helped me open up to growing as a teacher by not feeling questioned or attacked by others when new ideas are brought to the table.

I am now thinking about this in others areas of my life - self esteem and relationships. I have had a closed mindset for a long time in these areas.  I always feel like I have to prove myself to everyone, that I need to make sure everyone knows where I am coming from all the time.  I fell I am a positive, kind person who truly, always has the best intentions.  I am never purposefully hurtful and am always aware of others' feelings. My problem lies if you ever accuse or even slightly insinuate otherwise.  I get so hurt and so defensive that I lose my mind!  I will argue something into the ground with someone until I feel that I am being heard and understood.  I am extremely sensitive to any negative comment made that could remotely be about me. I can stand sarcasm and negative people.  I have this need to convince others that my opinion is right or at least not wrong.  I am realizing I have a hard time accepting when others don't see things the way I do.  I just get so sick of other people.

This is something I need to work on.  I knew that the only person this mindset is hurting is myself.  I need to adopt a more open, growth oriented mindset when it comes to not only the way I feel about myself but also in the way I deal with others.  Have I gotten my drinking to where I want it to be? "not yet". Have I lost the 20 pounds I put on? "not yet". Have I been regularly been exercising and eating healthy? "not yet".  Many times I think my answer is just a big fat - "No, I haven't and because I have been trying for so long I feel defeated, like it will never happen, like I am a failure."  Maybe this is the reason I am so sensitive around others - because ultimately I feel like a failure in these.

I also need to work on understanding that other people's bullshit is their own that many times when they make some backhanded comment of judgement toward me, either I am taking it wrong or it isn't even about me.  When I quit drinking for those 8 months, I did notice that all of the insecurity and closed mindset got a lot better.  I can't explain it, just that all of those insecure voices in my heard got quieter and I gained a sense of peace.  Plus, I liked people a lot more - probably because I liked myself a lot more.

I think I will read the book again with this different perspective.

BTW - I didn't drink yesterday and I did walk the dogs and got 8 hours of sleep.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

7/21/15 (Tues) - Dreams

Well I said I would blog everyday so I am going to try to at least keep that commitment.

Did I eat well? not really - didn't eat a bunch of junk but didn't really eat enough nutritious food
Did I sleep well? sort of - did get 7 hours of sleep but went to bed too late - got up too late
Did I drink a gallon of water? no
Did I get exercise? no
Am I blogging today? yes
Did I drink????????  NOOO :)
So I did keep the most important commitment.

I had the weirdest dream last night.  I was on vacation with a bunch of people (or we were moving not sure) but in a different house.  Two police officers came in and introduced themselves and said they were going to ruin someones future tonight.  I didn't know what they were talking about but I went to my room, curled up on my bed and put a pillow over my head.  I just prayed and prayed and prayed they wouldn't come in my room.  They did. They asked me to get up, gather my things and come with them.  I was sooooo scared and wasn't even really sure what I had done.  In my dream I think it was because I had illegally obtained drugs - I think I was worried (in real life) about getting this naltrexone through the mail.  It isn't a controlled substance and isn't illegal but I think it still worried me.

I think the real meaning of this dream is that if I don't get my shit together this could become a reality for me.  I am so scared of getting a dui.  I DO NOT DRIVE DRUNK but I have driven home after 2 glasses of wine at a restaurant.  I am never quite sure if that would be enough to get into trouble.  If that happened I would probably lose my teaching job and would for sure lose any sense of self worth I have left.  Dreams come at pretty valuable times.  I think someone is speaking to me....

Monday, July 20, 2015

7/20/17 (Mon) Fresh Start with moderation (for the hundredth time) - AKA still not giving up

I drank 10 days in a row ending in a nasty hangover Sunday - yet another wasted day after an evening of being wasted.  I even got in an argument with one of my best friends at someone else's house - it was like a scene out of the Real Housewives! Ridiculous! That is not me!

I am so sick of wasting my life, of giving it to this addiction, this drug, this chemical.  I am exhausted from the fight! I feel like it is winning, like it always was winning, like when I thought I was doing well, it was all just lies, a false sense of security regarding my handle on the problem that led me right back to where I was yesterday - day after day - month after month - year after year - decade after decade.....

It is going to sound so redundant and ridiculous and stupid...but I am going to try again...

Here is my G#@  D$%&* commitment to myself one more time.  I don't know if I even have the confidence in myself  to even get through one day anymore....but I am not going to give up myself, my life, my happiness...

1.  Physical exercise everyday (walk, ride my bike, yoga or workout) - EVERYDAY!  I feel so down on myself when I don't work out. I have gained 25 pound and I feel terrible about myself.
2.  Write on my blog - EVERYDAY!  I know that when I stop paying attention to my commitments, I stop keeping them.  This will help me be accountable to myself.
3.  Get at least 7 hours of sleep - EVERYDAY!  I know that when I get tired, I lose all motivation to keep my other commitments.  No more endless hours of watching tv into the night.
4.  Eat a healthy diet - EVERYDAY!  It doesn't have to be perfect, but if I fuel my body with healthy food, my mind with stay  more committed.
5.  Drink one gallon of water - EVERYDAY!  Dehydration is my enemy that sucks the life out of me.
6.'s the tricky one....totally honest...I'm not ready to give it up completely.

I know it sounds so stupid especially because if I screw up on #6, then #1-#5 are screwed up.  I cannot make my 1-5 goals unless my 6 goal is under control.  I will have very specific rules around #6 that HAVE to be followed.  There is some room for cheating in 1-5 but not 6.  Cheating with #6 is like dancing with the devil and it will lead to the downfall of all my other goals.  I am going to try this naltrexone.  Honestly, I am hopping it is some miracle pill that will allow me to have a glass of wine or beer in a social setting, allow me to moderate and find my stop button and eventually make it so drinking just isn't really that improtant to me anymore.  I know - it sounds ridiculous, but I want to give it a try.  I've tried everything else and am pretty good at recognizing when something isn't working.  So here are my drinking rules:

6a. NEVER drink Monday-Thurday...EVER!
6b. Do not drink 3 days in a row.  If I drink on Friday and Saturday, then none on Sunday.
6c. Do not drink before 5:00 pm and finish drinking at 10:00 pm.
6d. Drink a glass of water in between each drink to keep my BAC down.
6e. Try to keep drinks at 2-3 but no more than 4 drinks in those 5 hours.
6f. Always take the naltrexone 1 hour before drinking.

At least I'm not giving up....

Sunday, July 12, 2015

7/12/15 (Sun) Reading past history - moderation with naltrexone

I just spent an hour reading my past history on this blog.  Since I started blogging in August of 2011, I sound like a broken record.  How many years am I going to waste?  I am getting sicker, more depressed, fatter, less healthy, more exhausted, more obsessed, more anxious as every day, month, year pass.  How much more time am I going to waste in this road to nowhere?

I am waiting for my naltrexone to get here. I am hoping that it somehow helps me be able to drink without over drinking and ultimately not care about it so much.  If this doesn't work, I will seriously consider the road to absitance again.  I am truly tired of living like this - and I am saying this without a hangover.

Regardless - no alcohol for the next 5 days.  I have got to get back to healthy eating and working out.  I know I won't do that tomorrow if I drink tonight.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

7/11/15 (Sat) - Ordered Naltrexone - going to give it a shot

Its called pharmacological extinction. The idea is pretty simple.  Alcohol gets us high by causing the release of endorphins, which are then processed by the opioid receptors in our brains.  A drug, naltrexone is used to block these opioid receptors.  Drinking alcohol still produces endorphins, but our brains don't receive them, and our brains gradually stop craving alcohol because the stimulus no longer produces the reward.  The cure rate is phenomenal -- 90% in studies, about 70% in the field.  

I'm going to try to retrain my brain.  If this little pill makes me not "enjoy" getting that buzz by blocking those receptors when I drink - I will be ecstatic!  Most of the blogs I have read include people who still have a drink every once in awhile but really just don't feel like drinking most of the time. OMG! Could it be true?

I am a little skeptical but I have been reading about it, watching videos, researching the clinical trials and science behind it and I really can't find anything negative.  It has been around since the 1950s? and is FDA approved. There are plenty of blogs and message boards out there about it and it seems to work for most people as long as you take it one hour before drinking and give it a couple months so that your brain doesn't associate alcohol with pleasure anymore.

This the the board I have been reading:

Here are a couple of website explaining it:

And a video

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

7/7/15 (Tues) - Wasted by Carrie Underwood

7/7/15 (Tues) - Fight Song

This this my favorite song right now....

I love the line wrecking balls inside my brain...I feel like that is what my childish, addicted voice is...

7/7/15 (Tues) - Being brutally honest with myself

This post is really hard to write.  It is just so much easier to not think about it..not look at look away from the say I will do better next time.  Here is what happened..

I can lie all I want and say that I only drink on the weekends. For the most part that really is true except in the summer.  I am a teacher and I am really good at not drinking anything during the week when I am working.  Teaching is not a desk job and managing (let alone teaching) 30 6th graders is excruciatingly difficult with a hangover.

Summers are different.  So what if I want a glass of wine while making dinner?  I am off tomorrow. The ONLY problem is that it never stays at one glass of wine.

SO here are my totals the best I can remember them for the past couple of weeks.  I am doing this for me to keep myself honest.

6/14 - 1
6/15 - 2
Vacation - always an excuse to drink every day.  I did pretty good keeping is moderate but still drank every day.
6/16 - 3
6/17 - 3
6/18 - 4
6/19 - 3
6/20 - 3
6/21 - 2
6/22 - 3
Back from vacation
6/23 - 0
6/24 - 0
6/25 - 3
6/26 - 2
6/27 - 4
6/28 - 3
6/29 - 0
6/30 - 0
7/1 - 2
7/2 - 3
Went to the mountains
7/3 - 6
7/4 - 8
7/5 - 0 (Hangover)
Back from the mountains
7/6 - 5

That is 60 drinks in 23 days.  That is not OK!  That is not being moderate, getting better, being under control.

Her is the scariest part of all...yesterday I did not feel well at all because of all the hyper drinking over the weekend.  Not only did I drink a lot, but I get really hyper and loud.  I think I just get exhausted after expending all that energy.  I spent much of the day yesterday sitting on my butt researching kidney pain.  I had the worst pain under my lower right ribs in my back.  I couldn't figure out if it was a muscle, my kidney or my liver.  I'm so paranoid about what alcohol is doing to my body (my organs, my weight, my brain, my hot flashes, lack of sleep) and to my mindset (my depression, anxiety, lack of motivation) that I just feel done with all of it.

Well, 5:00 rolls around and I know there is a half a bottle of wine still in the fridge from the trip.  I am terrible with half finished bottles of wine.  My addicted brain just says, "Just get rid of it so you don't have to think about it - as in drink it - not dump it."

So I wait for my dh to go upstairs to change his work clothes and fill up my wine glass with the half bottle of wine and quickly get rid of the bottle.  I hear him coming so I seriously chug half the glass, think to myself, "What are you doing?" and dump the other half down the sink.  Well, once I have that alcohol in my system, I have a very hard time saying no to myself.  I proceed to sneak to the garage and pour a Bud Light Razzberita into a glass.  It looks like juice and has a very high alcohol and sugar content.  He won't notice and I will get a lot of bang for my buck (that is a scary realization - that I now choose IPA beers or anything that has a higher alcohol content so I can get buzzed more quickly without people noticing how much I am drinking).  I seriously considered pouring some vodka into my seltzer water, but that would be ridiculous..that would mean I really have a problem - haha.

This is the scariest part - I do this 3 more times.  I have some kind of frantic, can't get enough, feeling.  Just one more....ok we have to sneak to the garage, pretend I am taking some recycling out, open it there so no one hears the can open, pour it in real quick, put the can in recycling, get back in the house and put my drink right next to the real juice I am drinking and no one is the wiser.

Why did I say "We have to go to the garage" ? It's almost like my addiction is a separate entity that is speaking to me.  Like a child trying to convince me to give in.  Weird?

What am I doing?  Why and I acting like this?  I was scared and felt crappy all day?  What is wrong with me?  Why can't I be like everyone else? Why can't I control this?

Thursday, July 2, 2015

7/2/15 (Tues) - 4th of July

I am really going to try to keep myself under control this weekend.  We are going up to the mountains with some friends for the 4th.  It will be a quick turn around as dh has to work Friday and Monday.  I want to have my cake and eat it to. waaaaa :)  I want to enjoy a drink with my friends so I don't feel socially awkward and bored but I also want to moderate and not feel crappy the next day.  Back to the exhausting act of planning...water in between, don't before anyone else, make sure I eat, stop at hopefully 3 - for sure 4.  If I am going to choose to drink, this is what it is going to have to come with.  No more just ignoring it.  We will see if all of this effort is worth it...Somewhere way back in the back of my mind - I know it isn't...

On another note...I just went back and read my post from Mother's Day (and could have probably found 25 more similar posts from my blogs's archives) in which I was miserable because of alcohol.  That was less then 2 months ago....this is just all so insane to me....

Thank goodness I force myself to write on this blog - the good, the bad and the ugly - it really helps me remember how bad I feel because of alcohol when my own brain seems to completely forget...

Monday, June 29, 2015


I am obviously drinking again and not really enjoying it.  I usually only drink on the weekends but it has now gone back to every weekend. I try to keep it to 3-4 drinks per day on the weekends, but it has been steadily creeping up.  I really just want to not drink at all.  I stopped for 8 months and felt amazing, but I am not abstaining right now and I need some accountability. I am a teacher, and I don't want this to be one more summer of partying and not taking care of myself.  I am 47 years old and cannot go back to school this fall exhausted, anxious and depressed because of over drinking all summer.  I am such an all or nothing person that I am either completely sober or just choose to ignore my drinking and not deal with it. My posting here is a way for me not not ignore it.

I hesitated posting because I really want to not drink at all because I felt like it was admitting failure in my attempts for sobriety. But I also don't want to drink, bury my head in the sand and not pay any attention.  My drinking has shifted in that instead of just not paying attention to how much I drink and not realizing my over consumption, it is more of a how much alcohol can I put in my body before I have to go to bed. Like - I 'm just going to have one more at 1:00 am even though everyone else is in bed - feeling.  Those feelings scare me because I don't understand them. Why do I need to do that? What is the point when I have clearly had enough, no one else is even up and I am going to bed?
Well, now I am back to drinking alone, drinking every weekend and feeling like crap about it.  So I am back.