Wednesday, November 30, 2011


Today I feel pretty good.  Thanksgiving was a epic fail.  Drank way too much wine on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  Woke up with HOs.  Absed Monday, drank Tuesday and Wednesday, was a mess on Thanksgiving - absed.  I even faked being sick so not to have to do the extended family thing.  I was depressed and I was afraid they would have wine.  Then DRANK again on Friday!  Not a lot - only 3 beers - but still!  What the hell is wrong with me?

 Did not drink Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues, or today.  I am finally coming out of my alcohol fog, finally getting a little energy back, finally not feeling so cranky.  And what am I worried about - DRINKING this weekend!!!!  I don't want to!  I really just want to be sober for awhile to get all of the alcohol out of my system.  I am going to not drink this weekend!  That statement gives me a little anxiety.  I would usually say I am going to try to not drink this weekend.

What is your plan now?

Someone asked me this question.  Someone else told me to save my response for later.

What is your plan now?  I am not sure (just being honest).  Are you quitting, or are you drinking a few on the weekends and none on weekdays? For sure none on the weekdays.  We will see on the weekends.  I really just want to perm abs.  I told myself - one more HO and I was done - it was proof I couldn't control it.   How is it working for you?  Thanksgiving break was an epic fail!  Look at my abstar - it is disgusting! Fell back into my own miserable patterns.  Drank wine!  Wine is terrible for me.  For sure no more wine - ever!  I feel like I want to try to moderate one more time just once or twice a week but with only beer.  Then again - one more HO and I am done!  (As I am typing this there is a little voice in my head saying, "What is it going to take - one more abusive incident and you could have things happen that could change your life forever!  Why risk it!" )  I have been thinking a lot about what you guys say about giving the absing some time so I can actually think more clearly about it.  I am strongly considering doing a 30 (at least).  I have not gone 30 days in 22 years (except when pregnant and when I quit smoking - I quit drinking for 6 months because it was the only way I could quit smoking) 

Sunday, November 27, 2011

History of Sober Saturdays

I went back and checked my abstar row.  I have been counting since March 2010.  I have only had 10 sober Saturdays in that much time and they were usually followed by a binge on Fridays - too HO to drink.
I love being able to go back and look at my numbers. I am getting better at not drinking during the week - In April 2010 I only had 1 day that I could put in a 0!  I now abs 3-5 days a week regularly.  However, my problem has always been binge drinking on the weekends.  It is interesting that as my daily numbers crept up - my bingeing decresed - probably supplying my body with a constant stream of alc kept my addiction happy.  As I have gotten my daily numbers under control - my bingeing has gotten worse followed by excruciating HOs.  I think my body works so hard to clear itself of the toxins during the week that 1- it is in all out craving/panic mode by the time Friday comes (which leads to a binge) and 2 - it just can't handle that much alco being thrown back into the system at one time.  My body is tired of fighting this toxin.

Sober Saturday 11/27/11

I did not drink last night.  Not because I couldn't, but because I didn't want to.  This was a big accomplishment - I think the first time in 20 years to do so without a glass of wine in my hand.  Just another occasion to drink in the past. I made a couple of interesting observations.

1.  We put up our Christmas tree and I did not get in a fight with dh - that is a first!
2.  He thought the tree was crooked so we took it back and got a different one - that would have pissed me off if I would have been drinking - who cares - it is fine - if we leave,  I have to take a break form my wine! (I would have thought that one to myself - probably on a subconscious level)
3.  While we were getting a new one - I saw 4 people I knew - I wasn't trying to avoid them bc they might smell the alcohol or I might act stupid.  I don't even think they had been drinking!  Hmmmm - I thought everyone drank on Saturdays.
4.  We decided we needed more lights at 7:00.  Dd and I went to get more.  That would have pissed me off in the past - It's fine - who cares - Why do I always have to do it! - I shouldn't be driving anyway!  (I would think that one to myself - probably on a subconscious level)
5.  We stopped right in the middle - ate dinner and watched a movie - that wouldn't have happened in the past.  I get a little hell bent on getting things finished when drinking.  Let's just get it done even though dh wanted to watch a movie.
6.  I did not wake up this morning to a sink full of dirty dishes - I actually did them before I went to bed.

Interesting .......

Saturday, November 26, 2011


Yesterday I woke up, determined not to drink - prayed for the strength - determined to start this new life of mine - and then - in the evening - drank!  Not a lot - 3 beers - but still - drank.  Urghhhhh!

I received a post on the mmabsers list about vulnerability.  Listened to the talk last night.  It was very interesting.  She talked about all of the ways we fight being vulnerable.  The two things that stood out to me were - being busy to disguise our vulnerability and numbing any kind of feeling - good or bad to hide vulnerability.  She also said that while vulnerability is the place of fear - is it is also the birth place of joy.

I think I might be in that place.  I put on such a front that I have it all together, good wife, mother, teacher, sister, daughter, friend, neighbor, co worker, etc.  I try to be everything to everyone.  Part of my problem, I think with admitting I have an "alcohol obsession" is that I don't want to let anyone down.  I don't want to burden anyone else (mother, children) with my problem.  I don't want them to worry about me or be disappointed in me of I fail.  I don't want to slip up and have a drink after I have announced that I don't drink and have people look at me the way they looked at my father - What is wrong with him?  Is alcohol worth more to him than his family?  That, I think, is a pretty deep seeded fear that I think I just figured out.  I also don't want my friends to me disappointed in the fact that I don't drink anymore - I know they will be.

I am also starting to see that alcohol is affecting my relationship with dh.  Not because he thinks I have a problem, but because I am always miserable.  Not happy with myself for many reason including broken promises to myself (that no one knows about), not getting to the gym, having HO that I disguise as being sick, putting on a couple pounds.  I know that I am definitely pushing him away.  I just keep telling myself that as soon as I feel better about myself, I will open myself up to letting him love me.  I have been telling myself that for years.  I am not sure how much longer he should have to wait.

I just keep telling myself that I will secretly fight this battle with moderation.  Just be really careful and not draw any attention to myself.  It will definitely draw attention if I don't drink anything.

Here are the links for the videos I watched:

Thank you lulu!

Friday, November 25, 2011

What am I grateful for?

Let's see - what am I grateful for (on terms of my issues with alcohol) :

1.  The mmabsers list - which keeps gently reminding me the peace and joy that comes from sobriety
2.  The mm list which got me to this place to begin with
3.  Some personal friends I have made here (you know who you are) who are always checking in on me
4.  I haven't ever been in trouble with the law when it comes to my drinking.
5.  I haven't ever had the official "shakes", vomiting, seizures that come from full on physical withdrawal
6.  I haven't lost anyone I love because of my personal struggles
7.  I don't ever drink when I first get up to help with withdrawals
8.  My family doesn't now that I struggle this much with my addiction
9.  No one at my work know I struggles with this obsession
10.  Everyone still loves me and basically thinks I am a good person
11.   I still have the respect of my husband, daughter and son
12.   I am healthy despite the toxin I keep putting in my body
13.   I still have the ability to fight the fight.

I look at this list and it seems to be a list of potential disasters (#4 - #13) that could change my life forever if I don't get this under control.  That is a little scary.

I am ultimately in control of the choices I make

I get something in my inbox called - The Morning Blessing.  This is what it said today.

You are in charge of birthing all you desire through your beliefs,
through you engagements of energy, action, and thought!

As these move into your heart space you start to see
them become externalized as your life.

You are the only one that creates stages and outcomes
of situations that benefit your own Soul growth.

You, my dear self, have the ability in all abstract events in your
life to pull in divine intervention, to rearrange what doesn't feel good,
to rewrite the ending to any story.

The buck stops with you. You have the gift of coming
full swing into Godness if you choose.

All things, believe it or not, are at your beck and call and creation.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving cont.

I can't figure out why I feel so out of it, down, exhausted, depressed, weird.  I went to my abstar number.  I had drank 5 beers in the first 17 days of November.  I have had 25 drinks (much of what has been wine) in the last 6 days!  That probably explains it.  I feel so down (not really a physical hangover - just down in the dumps) that I have "faked" bring sick with my dd (who really is sick) to not go to the family dinner.  I sent my dh and ds without us.  I am just so freaked out about wine being there and I DON"T WANT TO DRINK!!!!


So last night I really got back into the same mode I find myself in.  I am just going to finish the wine in the house so I don't have any left.  Ended up having around 4 glasses. No HO today - probably because I have drank 5 out of the last 6 nights - my body starts to get used to it.  However - am having mental/emotional/spiritual HO.  I just keep going down this road.  Abs for a while - feel great - think I can handle it - have a little - do great - have a little more - do great - abs - awesome! - then either a WTF or many days in a row of 3 or four. I am starting to wonder of I am able to maintain moderation.  I can do it for a while, but my drinking slowly increases - it might take a week, 2 weeks, a month, 2 months, but I always end up back at this place of frustration and sadness.   

BTW - fight with dd was not really a fight.  She wanted to do something that I would not let her do - she is 17 - if I wasn't drinking, it would have just been - no - sorry but no - I love you.  Since I had been drinking - it turned into "Why can't you see where I am coming from?  I am only doing what is best for you?  I am just trying to be a good mom, blah.....blah...blah...while I was crying.....kind of tirade - she understood why I was saying no but also knew I had had too much to drink - I am not being a great role model - that is for sure!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Day before Thanksgiving

Last night I did have 2 glasses of wine.  I haven't drank during the week for a few weeks.  That open bottle in my fridge was calling my name.  What did it do for me? nothing.  How did it make me feel?  not really any different since I had shot my tolerance through the roof with this last weekend.  How did I sleep?  terrible - two glasses of wine and I was having hot flashes and just could not get to sleep.  It was almost like I had not drank enough to make me immediately fall asleep (only to wake up later) but just enough to not be able to go to sleep at all.  I am really nervous about the rest of the week and the upcoming Christmas break.  At the beginning of this week, I told myself that I am exhausted, out of shape, eating crappy, depressed and stressed out!  I needed to just spend this week recharging my batteries.  Instead I am falling back into old patterns of drinking, not sleeping well, running around doing things  (I think I have ADHD and the alcohol calms me down), not eating well and making excuses not to go to the gym.  I always think that if I can just get to the gym,  everything will fall into place.  Drinking last night (even just 2 glasses) killed my motivation this morning because I did not sleep well.  Maybe stopping drinking, will help everything fall into place.

In my craziest, most wonderful dreams, I just tell everyone that I don't drink and I am so relaxed, content, proud with that decision.  Why can't I just do it???

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Time to get caught up

I have not been doing very well at keeping up with my blog.  I got an email from someone saying that they are going back and reading all of my history because he/she can relate to my struggles.  I was a little flattered and felt  like I should catch up.  I post to a couple of lists - mm (moderation management) and mmabsers.  I just went back into my sent file and pasted what I had been posting there for the last couple of months.  As you can see - still struggling - still fighting - still extremely volatile - BUT - not giving up!

November 22, 2011

I sent this post to a friend who has been posting off list with me. 

A little about me - 43 yo mother of two teenagers - been on the main for a year and a half.  Tired of fighting - better (thanks to that list) but not where I want to be - joined mmabsers - LOVE the sound of perm abs - just not there yet - feel like I still want to try to moderate (I know - ridiculous, but honest).  Binge drinker on the weekends since high school.  Not a daily drinker, very high functioning - no big consequences other than the weekend hangovers which seem to be getting worse and the example I am setting for my kids.  Tired of the hamster wheel, physical hangovers, mental preoccupation and the spiritual/emotional exhaustion.

The following is in response to "How did you do this weekend?"  I have done awesome this month thanks to mmabsers - 5 beers the whole month until 3 days ago.

 I did not do all that great this weekend.  We rented a vacation home for Thanksgiving, had it early due to custody schedules with my sister.  Had family Thanksgiving on Saturday.  Had such an exhausting week last week - got off work early Friday since we were leaving, went outside on my porch at noon !!!!!  and had a beer!  I NEVER drink during the day unless on vacation.  I told myself I would on have the one to relax and then get to packing.  I wasn't driving up so guess what - had 3 beers altogether by 3:00.  Got packed up and got to the vaca house.  Then the wine was opened and I had 3 glasses over the course of the evening!  Not good - slept terrible - you know awake at 2:00, heart palpitations, hot flashes, shaky, can't go back to sleep. Said I wasn't going to drink as much the next night.  

Day 2 - Started cooking Thanksgiving dinner with my family and - you guessed it - started drinking - again in the afternoon - only beer at first - I do much better with that - but again the wine got opened for dinner.  Total - 2 beers - 4 glasses of wine and a complete freak out session with my dd right before bed.  Sooooooo disappointed with myself.  Another crappy  night of sleeping - same routine - said I wasn't going to drink the next day.  

Day 3 - 2 beers - 3 glasses of wine - I poured yet another glass of wine and sat down, I said to myself, "What are you doing?  No one around you is even drinking!  The one person that was quit awhile ago!"  I dumped it down the sink and drank three glasses of water before going to bed.  Slept better but extremely exhausted yesterday.  Did not drink and slept wayyyyy better last night.  Now today - tired, depressed, angry, disappointed, etc.  

I told myself that if I had one more hangover, I would abs for at least 30 days.  That is what I should be doing, but I am scared - whole week off, unfinished bottle of wine in the fridge, Christmas parties, etc. 

I don't even know where I can post this - I know all of my mmabsers will say - "You should abs - you will feel great!" (I know, but I just don't seem to be able to do it!)  My mm friends will say, "Good job dumping that last glass. Dust yourself off and try again."  (I know their intentions are good, but not helpful).  I am so frustrated!  

Oh and you said you overate!  I feel like the Michelin Man - so bloated from alcohol, salt, sugar, etc!  I just feel disgusting - inside and out!

From October 29

So let me get this right.  Are you saying that I am not a loser, a failure, weak, wishy-washy?  Are you saying that I may have a disease that I am powerless against IF I CHOSE TO DRINK?  That I will never be able to control it, never be able to drink like other people?  Never be able to have a beer in the sunshine?  Never be able to have a glass of wine with spicy spaghetti sauce? But I used to - I haven't always been like this.  I had a few years when I hardly drank anything.  I had a few years where I drank normally.  Are you saying that I can't ever get that back?  Are you saying that the only true power I have is when I chose to give it up forever?

From October 13

So I have been at this long enough to know my pattern.  There was a thread on withdrawal today. I do have withdrawal, every time I drink too much.  I am talking about absing then having 6, not daily drinking.   I am a binge drinker and have been since my early twenties except when I was pregnant. I do not drink every day, only on the weekends (until the last couple of years - make an exception on Thursday or Wednesday, etc.).  I have not lost a job, gotten a DUI or been in jail. I am not a fall down, embarrassing drunk.  I go to the gym, eat healthy and am a pretty responsible.  I am a good wife, mother, daughter, friend and sister. No one tells me I have a drinking problem - but I know I am physically addicted and I know I have a problem.

Back to the withdrawals - I am not just talking about the day after hangover (which I do get).  I am talking about Day 1 - complete waist of a day - tired, headache, dizzy, dull, can't think, unmotivated, Day 2 - utterly exhausted, can't sleep, foggy, groggy, Day 3 - heart palpitations, anxiety, anger, moodiness, exhaustion from lack of sleep, Day 4 - more of the same - maybe a little better but still really tired, Day 5 - most of the physical symptoms gone, sleeping a little better, still pretty tired, Day 6 (which I am at right now - BTW) - tired but starting to feel better and WHAMO!! that little voice starts appearing - "look how good you've done, tomorrows Friday, its been a long week, there is a neighborhood function Saturday that you have never gone to without drinking before - that doesn't sound very fun"  IN THE PAST - Day 7 - try to moderate - only have 1 or 2 - yeah me!  Day 8 - binge - this may happen on Day 8 or it may happen the next weekend or the weekend after that, but it ALWAYS happens.  Start over at Day 1.

It took me a long time to recognize this pattern.  I just always thought I didn't feel well, or I was stressed, or it was a long week, or I am just getting older, or,  or,  or ..... Once I started paying attention to the pattern I realized it couldn't be a had to be because of the alcohol.  Day 3 always felt the same, Day 5 the same, Day 7 (if I got there) amazing! 

I can feel that voice starting in my head, my heart beating faster with anticipation, the decision that has to be made, the lack of confidence because of all the failed attempts in the past ..... I really want to get through this weekend without alcool, but I am so afraid I will fail....

From October 1

Did you guys ever find that you got extremely sensitive when you were drinking (Not excessively).  I just don't know what is wrong with me. I feel so sick of people. Everybody. My friend blew me off tonight. My other "friends" husband told my DH to take his drunk wife home last weekend. I wasn't even drunk and he has NO room to talk. I was even really hurt by some of the responses to my earlier post. I just seem to be taking everything so personally. I used to be pretty confident and have a pretty thick skin. 

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Not closed

Someone posted on my blog "Is this blog closed?"  Well that is a very good question. Am I still working on my drinking?  Absolutely!  The problem is I just don't know where I belong - where I fit in.  I am on two lists that I post to.  One deals with moderation.  I tried that list for almost two years without a whole lost of success.  Better, but still bingeing 2-3 times a month resulting in a hangover.  My goal all along was to not waste another day with a hangover.  I get them pretty easily so it is a good gauge of how well I did the night before. Since I was not doing as well as I thought I should, I joined a group that supports abstinence.  I was (maybe still am) convinced that this is the true road to happiness for me. But ....... I just couldn't/didn't want to abs on the weekends.  I tried and tried and tried and it was torture not not be able to have that one glass of wine or one beer. Yah, I know that sounds like a problem.  I have really been doing awesome the last three months in terms of no drinking drinking during the week and the last three weeks with only have one or two on a Friday or Saturday.  I feel good.  This feels OK for now.  It is exactly how I want it to be.  I guess i am not ready yet to give up on my moderating self.  My only fear is that this will eventually/again lead to a Friday or Saturday night binge and a dreaded hangover.  I am going to try to hard to never let that happen again.  If it does, then I will again be looking at total sobriety.  Some on my moderation list will say, "Good job, you have come so far and made so much progress - just be vigilant and persistent with your goals - don't let your guard down." Some on my abs list will probably say, "I am scared for you...I know where this could be headed....I speak from will be so much happier when you give up this struggle for good."  Both are right!  See - I just don't know where I belong.  I joined a "By the Book" list but have not gotten any emails from that list yet??