Friday, July 29, 2011

7/29/11 (Fri) Am I physically addicted?

Messages from Tucker have completely shattered how I look at my drinking and made me realize that all the shitty feeling I have during the week are just PHYSICAL withdrawal symptoms from weekend binges.  Sound easy enough to understand, but in the past I have just thought it was a one day hangover and then couldn't figure out why I was such a grump, so exhausted the rest of the week until Friday when I could drink again.  I just waited around all week to drink on Friday and Saturday.  I THOUGHT that was just because it was the weekend and I wanted to chill, have fun, relax .....  actually I now think (thanks to Tucker) it was my body/addiction SCREAMING at me all week to feed it.  When I finally did (feed it) on Friday, it was happy so I thought I was happy.  Saturday repeat (my addiction is happy so I am happy).  Monday - Thursday - repeat the same feelings of depression, exhaustion, anxiety, irritability (WITHDRAWAL).  I am getting a little tired of alcohol dictating whether I am happy or not.

Thank you, Tucker, for you honest, direct, butt-kicking, concerned, caring text.  

You have changed my mind - now it is up to me to change my behavior.

7/29/11 (Fri) - Try to be good on family vaca

This week has not been good.  I have felt weird all week, especially when I try to sleep - heart fluttering, kind of like a restless less thing, itchy, hot, exhausted but restless.  Is all of that withdrawal?  Super tired in the afternoon - don't feel like doing anything (even 5 days out).  I have always blamed it on other things.  

I have been depressed, got in a huge fight with DH last night.  I know that my problems with him stem from the alcohol.  Not directly - he, ironically, says that I don't have a problem, that I am just too hard on myself.  He is the kind of drinker we all want to be - a social drinker with a stop button who usually abstains.  But I know that the way I feel about myself is directly affecting our relationship and alcohol is directly affecting the way I feel about myself.  

I know that if I go overboard this weekend, I will feel horrible mentally, physically, emotionally next week and nothing will get any better.  I also know that I CANNOT abstain on this family vacation.  OMG - if you knew my family!  Next vacation - maybe - but this one - I just want to be realistic.  Our family vacations have been plagued with alcohol induced arguments and full on brawls in the past.  I honestly think I am the heaviest drinker, but not the only drinker. Even the thought of the vacation is giving me anxiety because of the past.

My goal this weekend is to stay at least moderate if not abstain all together.  My goal for this vacation is to have a relaxing, peaceful, fun, calm time (as opposed to the hyper, buzzed, hungover, grumpy, exhausted, emotional, angry, stressed vacations of the past). Notice that most of the words in the past vacations are negative.  I want to create a new memory this year.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

7/24/11 (Sun) - HANGOVER! Am I an alcoholic?

Because of the following reasons:
  • Bingeing AGAIN last night.
  • Huge HO today, lying to my family - telling them my ibs is acting up - hiding from the world - counting the hours until I can go back to bed
  • Reading and rereading some very eye opening posts I have received
  • Reading many of the personal stories on the AA website about people who seem to be very much like me - people who have not hit rock bottom, have not lost everything, didn't need in patient rehab
  • Reading the many posts of people who sound just like me and have truly found peace and contentment in not drinking
  • Going back and reading my posts for over a year at MM - learning a lot but not really applying anything - not much progress
  • Scared that my heart palpitations, hot flashes and blurry head are more than just a hangover - could be actual physical addiction
  • Scared to death that next time maybe I will have to have in-patient rehab - who knows
  • Scared that maybe I could permanently damage my family due to my selfishness
  • Being truly exhausted, scared, beaten down, depressed, anxious
I think I might be an alcoholic.  Not just a problem or binge drinker, but a alcoholic in the making and that the longer I delay the inevitable (perm abs) the harder it is going to be.  This scares me more than you can possibly imagine.  

Saturday, July 23, 2011

7/23/11 (Sat) - Tucker has scared me straight

This is the response I have for Tucker.  As you can tell it touched me deeply on so many levels.  I can't stop thinking about her story, my story, her past, my future .....


Tucker,

I am crying right now!  Thank you so much for taking the time to read about me on my blog, get to know who I am and what I am about, listen with your heart to what I say and the struggles I am having.  This is the most powerful post (or honestly thing) ANYONE has EVER said to me!  You have actually scared the shit out of me, which I believe you indented on doing - thank you!  This was an honest, butt kicking, hard to read (even harder to comprehend that you could be right) post.  You really have made me look at some hard truths.  The most powerful things you said to me were:

You need to abstain for a long period of time so that you can meet the real you & learn about her & figure out what makes her tick & why she drinks.  You need to figure out what’s going on behind the scenes, so to speak, & honestly, 3 or 4 days of absing is not going to cut it.  You’re having withdrawal symptoms, just let me clear that confusion up for you.  You are.  That’s what it’s like at the beginning of physical addiction.  Your body needs you to stop drinking & let it heal & while it’s healing & the booze is also exiting your brain cells & every cell in your body...  you can figure things out.  You’re on a hamster wheel right now.  You have to stop the motion so you can quit just going in circles. 

That really scares me that you went through the exact same crappy days, were just like me, and eventually got seriously physically addicted?  How long did it take?  How did you know?  Was there a sudden shift or was it gradual?


I never had a hang over.  I had massive control.  I never passed out, I never blacked out, I never got a DWI or a PI or a Disorderly Conduct, there were no legal repercussions for me, I raised a kid who graduated Magna Cum Laude & I did it on my own, I work in law enforcement, 18 years, I am a control FREAK, I fix things for other people, everyone turns to ME for guidance & help & advice...  how the hell could I end up a whimpering, teeth chattering, snotty, puking, shaking, seizure-having, weeping, crying, snively, begging for a drink DRUNK?  Your dad, your granddad, your great granddad...  everybody on that stupid wheel...  we all thought the same thing.  Not me.  No way. 

I do feel the same way.  I am married, but run this whole household, take care of two kids (pretty well if I do say so myself), and am a teacher.  I am respected, looked up to, organized, determined, fit, active, OK-bossy, fun, outgoing, compassionate and can do anything I set my mind too.  Did all eventual alcoholics feel the same way?  Do you suppose my Dad felt the same way?  The thought of that is really messing with my head.  My head is saying - you aren't that bad, you aren't anything like that, you have never been in trouble, had any legal ramifications, never lost a job, have a family that doesn't see you like that because you don't drink every day.  You never drink in the morning.  Yeah - maybe you go a little over board a little more than you would like, but that doesn't make you an alcoholic.  IS MY HEAD RIGHT? OR IS IT THE ADDICTION THAT IS TALKING TO ME - TELLING ME WHATEVER I NEED TO HEAR TO KEEP FEEDING IT?

I want to know more about you - are you my age?  Were you a binge drinker, or an everyday drinker?  What is your family history?  How long have you been sober?  Or do you moderate?  I don't mean to be nosy I just find your story intriguing, fascinating and almost like I am looking in the mirror of what may happen to me.

Also, I really wish you would post your post and my response to the list.  I hear what you are saying about not wanting to, but what you said is so very powerful.  I think it would help a lot of people.  

Also, do I have your permission to copy and paste it to my blog?  You never know .... you could have just saved my life.  

7/23/11 (Sat) Message from Tucker

I have been blown away by a post that I received.  With her permission, I want to share this amazing response.  


They/I have all the knowledge, just do not apply it. I would say I CHOOSE not to apply it, but honestly, sometimes I don't really feel like I have any control.
I’ve been reading your posts daily & I also read your blog.  You have a fairly predictable drinking pattern going on & it’s nothing unusual, it’s basically the same thing everyone on this list is dealing with.  You like to drink.  You like the buzz, I presume you like the taste, & you are into immediate self-gratification.  Feeling ick or less than woohoo! sucks. And you know what cures it.  ( :
Me too.  I want you to understand this is coming from someone JUST LIKE YOU. 
So~~  here’s my personal advice to you as someone who has read you are afraid you are becoming physically addicted & let me tell you, as someone who had to have medical supervision in order to detox safely?  You are in the beginning stages; that stuff you reported in your blog? 
I feel exhausted, but restless.  I can't get comfortable and feel irritable. I also think I am getting hot flashes from withdrawal.
I feel all shaky.  Not like the DT's or whatever they call that - not visible, uncontrollable shaking.  It is more like heart palpitations – an inside shakiness.
every time (anymore) that I abs for more than 3 days I become exhausted, restless, grumpy, shaky.
Those are your own words.  And here’s the opinion & words of someone who had that window of opportunity & let it close: 
You need to abstain for a long period of time so that you can meet the real you & learn about her & figure out what makes her tick & why she drinks.  You need to figure out what’s going on behind the scenes, so to speak, & honestly, 3 or 4 days of absing is not going to cut it.  You’re having withdrawal symptoms, just let me clear that confusion up for you.  You are.  That’s what it’s like at the beginning of physical addiction.  Your body needs you to stop drinking & let it heal & while it’s healing & the booze is also exiting your brain cells & every cell in your body...  you can figure things out.  You’re on a hamster wheel right now.  You have to stop the motion so you can quit just going in circles. 
Scary, huh?  You probably don’t like reading this & good for you if you still are.  Bravo.  See, the deal is, it’s not too late.  It’s not too late for you to do this with just a mild level of discomfort & then after that...  it’s a choice.  Right now honestly I doubt that it is a choice that you can make from a position of strength.  I know when I was there it wasn’t a choice for me because I never allowed myself the room to allow it to be a CHOICE.  I had to learn the hard way what it’s like to detox from alcohol with nurses & doctors around to make sure you don’t die or stroke out.  I had several months where I went through what you’re describing & I could have spent 2 crappy days, maybe 3, & then I’d have been on the other side & given myself a real chance at learning a different behavior & a new pattern~  because your drinking is a learned behavior & a habit & a routine.  And a baby addiction.  You don’t want to go through the battle of prying yourself out of a full grown massive addiction.  That little bit of 'ick; I don’t feel good’?  That is NOTHING to what is ahead if you don’t get on top of this.  Right now you can’t imagine & you should keep it that way.
I debated being this blunt & honest with you & I’m doing it woman to woman & off list because I don’t want you to feel judged~~  I want you to feel supported & I don’t want a bunch of people chiming in who are also on the hamster wheel.  I’m hoping you can read this exactly as it is written, & notice I am someone who has been where you are & is out the other side now.  You can stop this.  You’re actually the only one  who can stop this.  But you have to do it. 
The best tool you have in your belt right now is ABSTINENCE.  That is the flat out blunt scary awful truth.  This is a fight.  It’s a battle. You need to arm yourself & take up weapons & the best one right now for you, & I am saying this having paid close attention to your blog, your thoughts, your words, & your posts every day...  You need to declare war & you need to stop drinking.  And then, once you are in control of THAT...  then you can think about wading back in & learning to moderate. 
You can take this or leave it.  I debated whether to send it or not, but decided I’d be re-miss if I didn’t, so here it is.  I dislike drama with a passion & so you won’t see me posting on list very often but I wanted to share this with you because you’re at a crossroads with that physical addiction you’re babying along & it wouldn’t be right to not clue you in.  You’re not imagining it.  And your father, grandfather, great-grandfather, me...  none of ever thought it’d catch us.  You know Pierre’s analogy about the Dragon?  I played & rough housed with that Dragon for YEARS before it turned on me.  I never dreamed I’d have to go to rehab, are you effing kidding me?  I was BORN to drink.  I never had a hang over.  I had massive control.  I never passed out, I never blacked out, I never got a DWI or a PI or a Disorderly Conduct, there were no legal repercussions for me, I raised a kid who graduated Magna Cum Laude & I did it on my own, I work in law enforcement, 18 years, I am a control FREAK, I fix things for other people, everyone turns to ME for guidance & help & advice...  how the hell could I end up a whimpering, teeth chattering, snotty, puking, shaking, seizure-having, weeping, crying, snively, begging for a drink DRUNK?  Your dad, your granddad, your great granddad...  everybody on that stupid wheel...  we all thought the same thing.  Not me.  No way. 
Just food for thought.  Digest it as you can. 
Sincerely,
Tucker

Friday, July 22, 2011

7/22/11 (Fri) HANGOVER! 5 last night!

So, since last Monday - absed Monday, one Tuesday, one Wednesday, FIVE last night!  Are you kidding me!  I said my major goal was no NO.  Guess what I have a hangover.  I don't get it!  I mean I understand why I have a hangover, but I don't get why I am sooooo stupid LOL!  When am I going to learn!  I had one with any early dinner, drove home - lost the buzz - should have stopped - didn't and continued on to have 4 more!  Why do I do that?  Why do I just stop caring, counting, sipping?  I understand the concepts/tools - the idea behind them - why they work - I just don't seem to be able to use them.  Please don't say I don't care enough - because I am fighting with all I have!  I feel like it is when you see an overweight dietician, a doctor who smokes or a police officer driving drunk.  They/I have all the knowledge, just do not apply it.  I would say I CHOOSE not to apply it, but honestly, sometimes I don't really feel like I have any control.  It just doesn't make any sense to me!  When is the pain and suffering of the next day going to be greater than the immediate enjoyment of the alcohol the night before?  It is just all so absurd to me!

Monday, July 18, 2011

7/18/11 (Mon) 4 days of drinking 10 drinks

I haven't blogged since last Wednesday.  How did the weekend go?

  • Thursday - worked my butt off around the house.  A beer sounded fantastic - a little reward for all my hard work.  Positive - I only had one.  Negative - I need to reward myself with something better for my body and soul - not a toxic substance that makes me feel guily afterwards.
  • Friday - Had a good day.  Worked and played hard.  Hung out with my kids.  Had 2.5 beers.  Positive - was able to stop at 2.5 on a Friday - that is real progress.  Negative - day 2 of drinking.
  • Saturday - Had a good day.  Ran some errands, relaxed, hung out with family.  Positive - didn't have a hangover Sunday ... didn't get too buzzed.  Negative - felt that "I need more ... I will just go have another beer while no one is looking" .... scary .... feeling.  Started too early (4:00).  Switched to wine.  Can't leave an open bottle.... 4 total. Day 3 of drinking.
  • Sunday - Woke up intending on absing.  Positive - no hangover on Monday (today) ... didn't get too buzzed.  Negative - did not keep intention ... finished another open bottle of wine ...  total 3. Day 4 of drinking.
Not a great weekend, but let's think about some lessons learned ....
  • I really need to pay attention to that "One more, sneaky, voice"  and realize that is the alcohol/addiction speaking to me.  Look at it for what it is .... learn to hate it .... be disgusted by it ...shut it up!  .... not give it any power!  Notice that it doesn't start talking until after 2.
  • When relaxing by myself on a weekend at 4:00 in the afternoon, drink something else ... stay hydrated ... drink later it you still want to ... but not yet ... delay.
  • I noticed Sunday I was a little irritable, grumpy, depressed .... I think form drinking 3 days in a row ... I heard that voice say ... just have a beer  ..... you will feel better ....  WHAT!!!! ... I have never really paid much attention to that voice before.  Next time I will try to shut that voice up as well!
  • Keep trying to stick with beer .... portion controlled ..... less alcohol % ... alleviate the whole - need to not have an open bottle lying around conflict.  
Onward and upward ..... off to the gym ....  absing today!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

7/7/11 (Wed) - Maybe mod on Fri?

I feel much better today.  I slept pretty good last night and went to yoga this morning.  I am, however, starting to have the feelings that is would be ok to have a glass of wine on Friday as long as I can stay moderate.  I know this is my pattern of rationalizing to myself.  I just keep having the inner battle.  I don't know .....

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

7/12/11 (Tues) - Terrible sleeping

I feel terrible today.  Actually worse than I did on Day 4 last week.  I couldn't sleep at all last night.  I feel exhausted, but restless.  I can't get comfortable and feel irritable. I also think I am getting hot flashes from withdrawal.  I am not going through menopause haha.  I wake up in the AM feeling like I have a hangover - not in my head, but in my body.  I feel all shaky.  Not like the DT's or whatever they call that - not visible, uncontrollable shaking.  It is more like heart palpitations - an inside shakiness.  This scares me a little because I wonder if maybe I am starting to become physically addicted.  I always thought I was only mentally addicted to the habit, because I don't get any of the serious withdrawal symptoms that you see in the movies.  I can't, however, ignore the fact that every time (anymore) that I abs for more than 3 days I become exhausted, restless, grumpy, shaky.  I already know that I get physically depressed when stopping, but I look at that as more mental.  This whole physical thing is a little concerning.  If I am becoming more and more physically dependent/addicted, am I on my way to becoming a full fledged alcoholic who "loses everything" for the drug of choice?  I just can't see me being that stupid - but I also don't see my father/grandfather/great-grandfather/grandmother as being stupid either.  A rather sobering thought, in more ways than one.

Also, yesterday, I told my best drinking friend that I was taking a break. Her and I have been through so much together - she means the world to me.  She said, "Oh NO!  Why?  Just don't drink during the week.  We can still drink on the weekends!  You aren't that bad!"  What do I do with that?

Monday, July 11, 2011

7/11/11 (Mon) - Taking back my life

Last night 2 opportunities landed in my lap.  My neighbor/drinking buddy invited me over for a glass of wine on the deck.  OMG - I NEVER say no to that - not even with a HO. I did say no, and my HO was gone.  Not only did I tell her I wasn't drinking today, but not for at least a week and maybe longer.  That is also big.  I don't announce my plans any more because I can't ever seem to honor them.  Then, when I tell people I am not drinking, they know I will cave and talk me into it.  I will show everyone how strong I am this time and maybe even be a role model to some of my friends that could also use a little moderation.  

I also had family over for dinner, unexpectedly.  Two open bottles of wine in front of me the whole night, and I didn't drink them.  I said "Thank you for bringing them, but NO thank you."  When asked why I jokingly said I was giving my liver a break.  I also asked them to take the unfinished bottles home because I didn't want to be tempted to drink them later in the week - something I also would have never admitted to anyone but myself. I am not hiding anymore.  I have a problem. I need to face it.  

I am always mad at myself with a HO, but this time seems to feel a little different.  I don't have a HO and I am still so angry - but not at myself - at the mind altering, insidious, guilt ridden, diet busting, time consuming, day wasting, happiness stealing, peace robbing drug that I have let take control of me and make decisions for me - ENOUGH!!!  I am taking my life back today.

I am going to enjoy these abs days.  Really feel what it is like to live life without it.  Savor every moment.  Not think about what I am missing, but really focus on what I am gaining.  Will I abs forever?  I have no idea - but I am for now!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

7/10/11 (Sun) - HANGOVER! - plan 20 days abs

am beginning to think I am unable to moderate.  Yesterday did not go as planned.  I did moderate in the beginning, but then just stopped caring.  Have a hangover today and am pretty mad.  I am absing for the next 20 days.  What I would really like to be able to say after 20 days is "Hey, I like living this way better ... I am going to continue my abs" .... instead of white knuckling through it and then jumping right back in where I left off.  I think I am really beginning to feel like a failure in this department and I know that those negative feelings do not help with my goal.  I know - don't beat yourself up.  To be honest, I am pretty pissed off at myself right now - and I should be - this is ridiculous (this struggle, lack of progress).  I need to get honest and admit to myself that this is turning into a real problem for me.  I do not want to end up like my father. It never occurred to me that maybe he also struggled the way I am before it got completely out of control. I know that we moved around a lot when I was little because he lost his job or just wanted to start again in a new place.  I don't think we would have moved if he wasn't trying.  My personality is so much like his - outgoing, fun, lots of energy (maybe misdirected), addictive.  I have only talked to him a couple of times in the last 10 years.  Maybe I should give him a call - he is sober now - and talk to him about my struggles.  Maybe not - I don't know.  I do know I will not drink today.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

7/9/11 (Sat) - Renaissance Festival will be challenging

I made it through yesterday.  The first Friday in a long time.  It felt good to be able to say no and mean it.  I did, however, sleep terrible.  I kept waking up, startled, having bad dreams.  I don't know why, but I do know it is normal at about day #4 for me.

Today is going to be challenging. We are going to an all day event that involves drinking.  It is a festival that a bunch of families attend.  In the past I have embarrassed myself, not been able to drive home and been a terrible role model for my kids.  I usually drink beer all day with no water and very little food.  Everything is very expensive, including the water. I don't seem to mind, though, when it comes to the beer. I know I am going to drink so here are my goals:

  • For every beer I drink I will buy and drink a bottle of water.  This will help me slow down and keep hydrated.  
  • At the end of the day, I will not get into this binge mode because it is almost over, and slam the last two beers.
  • I will be fully aware of what my children, 16 and 13, want to do and will do it with them.  This year it will not be all about me.
  • I WILL NOT WAKE UP WITH A HANGOVER TOMORROW!!!
Today is about harm reduction.  I plan to have a great day without getting wasted.

Friday, July 8, 2011

7/8/11 (Fri) Doing better - Sober Friday!

7:30 - Today I work up feeling like I have a hangover.  A little bit of the heart palpitations.  Tired.  I think this is just my body still withdrawing.  Today will be difficult.  It is day 4 and that is always challenging and it is Friday.  My brain/addiction will start telling me that it is no big deal ....  that I can handle it.  We will see .... going to the gym.

Almost 8:30 here...avoided drinking neighbors... kept busy/distracted...enjoyed a rainbow completely sober...I think I am home free!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

7/8/11 (Fri) Day 3 Feeling better

9:00 - I think I am finally feeling better today.  I am going to go to the gym.  I need to be careful not to get too "hyper" today.  Plans with my DD, so should  be fine.  


10:00 pm - Felt much better today.  A little weepy when my DD and I got into it about something.  Other than that, better.  Got to the gym, outside, drank water, feel better. I did however have a couple of tiny little thoughts about a glass of wine.  I know this is my pattern - day 3 - tiny little thoughts.  I know tomorrow will be worse, but I will just try to get through it.  I will remember how good it feels to be clear headed now and hangover free tomorrow.

7/7/11 (Thurs) Seriously depressed but have a plan to moderate

10:00 - Well I got through yesterday-easy didn't even feel like drinking.  Self loathing, disappointment, exhaustion, eating crappy, doing nothing ... you know the drill.  Didn't sleep well last night - to be expected.  Woke up this morning having a dream of pouring myself a beer - what does that mean?  That's a little scary.  Feel down, depressed, tired ... always the same on day 2.  At least I am starting to recognize the patterns.  I won't want anything to drink today either .... will really focus on taking care of myself .... lots of water, healthy food, no sugar, low sodium ... gym - maybe/maybe not.  Don't really feel like it right now.

I was looking back at my row - 36 drinks in 11 days ... 5 reds in 13 days  ...  4 abs in 20 days  ....  not were I want to be

Feeling positive ..  just need to keep myself calm ....  I tend to get pretty geared up when thinking about drinking

4:00 - I think I am seriously depressed today.  I have now learned that alcohol has a chemically depressive effect on me.  I was going to get back to normal today, and all I feel like doing is going back to bed and sleeping ...  maybe crying first.  I don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, do anything.  Hoping tomorrow will be better.  

I am going to try to use some of my time constructively by reading/studying my RD book.

  • Continuing vigilance is the price of continuing success
  • My expectation or belief about what alcohol will do for me are essential in determining how I will respond to the drug (the placebo effect).
  • Expectations, and not the alcohol, cause much of the positive mood change.
  • As tolerance develops, the stop button is diminished or lost.
  • BAC should be kept under .055% (1 in 1 hr, 2 in 2 hrs, 3 in 5 hrs, 4 in 8 hrs)
  • I have taken enough of the drug that it is interfering with my higher thought centers - the place where we are able to defer immediate gratification in favor of long term benefit - lizard brain.
  • Avoid "drinking thinking" - rationalizing having more.
  • Realize that halfway through the third drink I will have negative consequences because of physical limitations that my body enforces as opposed to a rule that my intellect tries to enforce.  
  • No more than 9 a week, 3 at a time, no more than 3 days a week (12 oz beer 5%, 5 oz. wine)
  • I have the power.  All I have to do is find it, strengthen it and use it.
  • You get all of the positives from drinking a small number of drinks.
  • Tools - measuring, counting, eating, thirst management, first few minutes count, delaying, diluting, alternating, sipping, putting the glass down, timing, self-talk, bring alternatives, focus on the fun, think about tomorrow, find the stop button
  • Settle in to a situation, get comfortable with it before rushing to the first drink - this has a tendency to dictate how the whole event will go.
  • Sometimes an overpowering desire for alcohol is really just thirst.
  • Try not to center on the alcohol as the main or only source of enjoyment in a drinking situation. Look around at what else is going on and put alcohol in the back seat. You will more open to what others are saying, better at making conversation, and more able to appreciate and take part in socializing.
  • Make alcohol just one aspect of an enjoyable experience.
  • Focus on the long term as opposed to the short term.
  • When the buzzer (stop button), sounds you have to listen to it.
  • Do I want to keep a moderation mind set or let loose with no concern about consequences?
9:00 - I am starting to feel better.  Did a lot of studying, resting.  Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow feeling much more rested.

7/5/11 (Tues) - First Day of Blog - Need a Change - Terrible Hangover

10:00 - I feel terrible today.  I drank too much again last night.  My heart is palpitating,  I cannot focus on anything.  My head feels dizzy.  I feel very shaky. I cannot understand why I can’t control my struggles over alcohol.  I have been trying for so long.  I really don’t know if I am powerless or if I do have power but am just not trying hard enough.  
I had a dream last night that we were at a bowling ally and I really wanted a cigarette.  I looked at the menu, and ordered one (even though I knew I shouldn’t).  I knew the kids were with me and they would not approve. I did it anyway - just pushed those thoughts away.  When I walked away from the counter, I had a beer in my hand instead - it was morning.  Is that dream telling me that it is time to stop?  That maybe I am powerless, and if I don’t stop soon it will just get worse?  

I have been trying to moderate for 10 years now.  Some months I do better, but overall, still the same if not worse.  I am still binge drinking almost every weekend, and now I am wanting to drink during the week and start earlier in the day on the weekends.  I hardly ever go 4 days in a row without drinking.  I drink by myself, I hide it.  I plan activities, gatherings, parties just so I can drink.  I think about it constantly.....am I drinking today?  How much?  When will I start?  What will the plan be?  It is consuming me.  That’s weird, because I am actually consuming it.  

I am not being a good role model to my children.  Two days ago I was trying to talk to my son and he said, “Mom, I don’t even know what you are saying.”  I could be in denial and say he just wasn’t understanding me, but maybe I really wasn’t making any sense.  My daughter waits until I have had a couple of glasses of wine to ask me if she can do something.  I am entirely to sensitive, probably because I know I have a problem, I just don’t want anyone else to think badly of me.  I think it (my addiction) is slowly becoming something too big for me too handle.  I am so confused, depressed, angry, defeated....I do know that I will not poison my body today.  

6:00  I have wasted this whole day.  I am so tired, more like exhausted.  I have eaten crap all day and done nothing.  I do know what is going to happen.  I will feel better tomorrow and thoughts will start creeping in that say, “You can moderate.  It isn’t that big of a deal, just do better.  Pay attention...count...stay hydrated ..... use the tools, etc.”   By Friday, I will have fully convinced myself that I am fine and will drink, probably more than planned. Then I will drink again on Saturday, maybe on Sunday, and will start this cycle over again for the millionth time.  

 I am going to make a list of the reasons I do want to quit.

No more hangovers - no wasted days
Feel less depressed - not guilty about letting myself down
Be more calm - in a better mood with family
Get to the gym on a regular basis
Focus on my weight/health goals
Have less anxiety - feel good about myself and my choices
Fin peace that I will never find on the path I am on
Be less sensitive - feel good about myself so I won’t worry so much about what everyone else thinks

I am going to journal everyday about how I feel.  How it is going.  Maybe getting my feelings out will help.