Tuesday, November 28, 2017

As simple as that 11/28/17 (Tues)

During my hangover this weekend I was watching My 600 Hundred Pound Life. There was this woman who must have weighed 550 pounds. She couldn't get out of bed and was just eating all kinds of fried food and sweets.  My dh came in the room (who has no patience for stupid tv) and said, "Well just look what she is eating! No wonder she weighs that much. She just needs to stop eating junk food." I thought to myself that he is right but then I thought about myself.  I am not any better. Alcohol is ruining my ability to live up to my potential, to find peace and true happiness, to feel good about myself and what do I keep doing....drinking. Maybe I just need to stop putting the alcohol in my mouth! Maybe the answer is as simple as that 😀

Monday, November 27, 2017

New week - starting over 11/27/17 (Mon)

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Well last week was a disaster.  I definitely did not live to my potential. I got hardly anything done and was on an emotional roller coaster all week (either excited to drink, hyper/hiding drinking or depressed and crying).  Disappointed that I am starting all over again but also relieved that I have once again come to this decision to be the best person I can be...to myself and everyone around me.  I can not be the best version of myself while I am drinking.  I think it really has started to negatively effect my relationships.  I think I would have to not only check that box now (in the "do you have a drinking problem" questionnaire) but also the box that asks if you ever sneak drinks, hiding the evidence.  I think I would also finally also have to check the box that asks, "Has your life become unmanageable?" I would definitely need to say that yes. Emotionally, my life was unmanageable this past week. This past Thanksgiving was my emotional rock bottom.  Time to pull myself out of my this hole I dug for myself, work out, eat healthy, read self-help books, go to bed early, drink water, and once again learn to find happiness in sobriety.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Emotional Rock Bottom - need some help 11/25/17 (Sat)

Yesterday was terrible.  I didn't feel too bad physically except a bit of a stomach ache, super tired and craving shit food. I think I drank a root beer for breakfast had chili rellanoes for lunch and a hamburger for dinner.  I never eat like that and today I am bloated and my eyes are practically swollen shut from crying and eating too much salt.

My debilitating hangover was emotional. I was an emotional mess.  I know the majority of it is the alcohol.  In the last month that I have unsuccessfully attempted moderation, I have gone right back to the over emotional, over sensitive, irritable, unmotivated, grumpy version of myself. I am even getting super paranoid that people are talking behind my back saying awful things. I told myself that if I could just drink, I would be happy again. Even during the first fifteen days in which I only drank 3 weekend nights, I still felt a little down, insecure and sensitive.

Outside I was "I am fine. I got this. Don't worry about me".

On this surface level inside, I was "Finally, I can enjoy my life again. I can have fun. All of a sudden I can look forward to the holidays, our trip to the mountains, my birthday, next summer, visits to breweries, going out to dinner, getting together with my sister, sitting in the sun.  I can do this. I just need to be careful and try harder to moderate. I can have the best of both worlds."

But somewhere below that surface level of thought I knew I was disappointed in myself, knew that this was not a good idea, knew my kids would be disappointed and worries, knew my dh would not like it, knew how many times I had tried this in the past, knew that I had to delete my sober counter on my phone which had accumulated 134 (almost 5 months) of sober days.

10/29 (after 134 days of sobriety) Drank at dinner with extended family that was here for a funeral after I had just told them the day before that I don't drink anymore. Had two glasses of wine with my sister on the back deck of her new house (just on a whim - just because I wanted a glass of wine - damnit!), went to dinner and had 2 more big glasses of wine.  Got loud and dominating during dinner.  My whole personality changed - I felt like a crazy person had taken over my brain.  I did not make a fool of myself (although I did wonder the next day if other people in the restaurant were watching us as we were all loud and if anyone knew me) but also was not proud of my loud behavior.  I really want to be the respectful, quiet, listening, communicating type instead of the loud, interrupting, dominating, not listening, kind of hyper out of it type that alcohol turns me into. It was a really nice restaurant and I barely remember what I had for dinner.  Salmon I think, but I can not tell you if it was good or not. I was way to focused on the fact that they had Kim Crawford on the wine list and that I could drink it again. That I had given myself permission to once again enjoy life. I was really giving myself permission to once again act like an idiot.

11/11 (2 weeks later) invited my sister over for dinner and played cards.  Went ok. Stayed away from the wine. Only drank beer - 2 high alcohol ones and one light. Did lie to dd about having 3  - told her I only had 2. Was a little bored because I would much rather have the buzz of wine. Beer makes me fat and tired.  Wine gets me much more hyper - which I like.

11/12 Had 2 beers on the back porch in the sun with dh. Thought - this is nice. Seems like the only time him and I can have real conversations with him is when I am drinking.  I don't know why. I guess maybe I don't have the patience when sober which is not good. We have drank together our whole lives and it is the only way I know how.

Thanksgiving Break (let the downward spiral begin)

11/16  (Wed) - drank 2 in secret- one was slamming a cherryrita in the garage (which I don't even like) but knew dh would be home soon and needed to get as much alcohol in my body before I couldn't.

11/17 (Thurs) same thing as last night - slamming in the garage and hiding the cans.

11/18 (Fri)  I honestly can't remember but do know I drank

11/19 (Sat) Went to dinner with ds and her family. Nice restaurant - had 2 huge glasses of wine. Went to brewery after - had an IPA (high in alcohol) and went to a movie. Got in a stupid fight with dh about how expensive the wine was and how he doesn't like me drinking whine bc it makes me mean. My kids knew and I am sure thought, "Great! Mom is drinking again so they are fighting again about stupid stuff." I feel terrible when my kids aren't proud of me.

11/20 (Sun) hangover - felt really guilty

11/22 (Tues) same thing - slamming in the garage and hiding the cans.

11/23 (Wed) same thing - slamming in the garage and hiding the cans.

11/24 (Thurs - Thanksgiving) Probably drank 1 1/2 bottles of wine over the course of the day. 

Yesterday - overly emotional. ultra sensitive, cried much of the day.  Had a conversation with ds about how he and his sister are becoming emotionally exhausted with "dealing with me." Of course he said it way nicer and more sensitive than that, but that was the idea.  I just got these overwhelmingly guilty feeling of being a bad mom and sharing way to much of my struggles with them.  He suggested I go see someone - someone that isn't worried about me (ie him and his sister) and could give me objective feedback.  From the mouths of babes - as they say. 

Today - just feel like an emotional wreck. I am a mess and I think I need some help.  My marriage is a mess, my self esteem is a mess and I worry I am negatively impacting my relationships with my kids as well.  I am going to go get some help.  I told my dh and he is terrified.  He doesn't believe in counseling and thinks it will just make me leave him.  I told him that is not my intention - no guarantees but my goal is to be happy with my current life. To find happiness in myself so that I can hopefully be happy in my life and marriage.  I told him I have to. He thinks that if I just quit drinking - everything will fix itself.  I told him that I don't know if I can stop drinking (and be happy sober) until I try to fix myself. 

I feel like I have hit emotional rock bottom.

I am scared - scared to deal with my shit - scared of where this path will lead - scared I will end up hurting people - scared it won't work - scared I won't ever truly be happy.....

but like I told him - nothing changes if nothing changes so I'm going to try. I don't know what the future hold but I am sick of living like this. He cried but understood.

Not I just have to do it....

Happiness in Sobriety 11/25/17 (Sat)

Anne commented below that I read this blog entry.  I did and am including the link because I want to be able to access it later as a lot of it really spoke to me.  The more I read, the more I realize that all of our struggles are so similar and that most people that struggle with alcohol have the exact same thought process as me.  I am not that different or special and if all these other people can find happiness in sobriety, then so can I.

The Importance of Being Uncomfortable in Your Own Skin

She says:

Every time you drank, no matter how little, you became a slightly altered version of yourself. And then you began to prefer that version; you maybe even thought it was the real you. I certainly did. I would have sworn I never felt so myself, never so in love with life, than when I was couple glasses of wine deep. But the truth is every time I drank, and every time you drank, we bypassed the part of us that can actually sharpen, grow, engage, and connect. We took the elusive shortcut to those things because it feels like it’s working, but it never really does. It never gets us all the way there. And in the meantime, the real us gets left behind in the dust.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Day 1 11/24/17 (Fri)

Welp...once again I have to admit that I do not have control of how often or how much I drink.  I have drank 7 days of the last nine and last night my sister and I opened our second bottle of wine at 10:00 and drank the whole thing in about 90 minutes.

Back to Day 1

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Thanksgiving - drinking out of control 11/23/17 (Thurs)

Well I have officially fallen off the wagon. I have drank the last 5 of 7 nights between 2-5 drinks. I am waking up around 3:30 am with that internal shaky, heart pounding, anxious, sweaty feeling again. I am waking up tired, bloated, grumpy and wanting to isolate again. I am wanting to quit again. I said I wanted to be able to drink occasionally...this is not occasionally.

I posted this last Thanksgiving

I am so tired...there has to be something better than living the high highs and the low lows that comes with drinking.  I just don't seem to be able to give up the high highs even though the low lows have just become impossible to deal with.  It isn't really even all about the terrible hangovers and wasted days that I suffer at the hands of wanting the high highs.  It is also the numbness, sadness, lack of motivation, irritability, anxiety, insecurity that comes with the all the times between the high highs and the low lows.  Just my day to day life has become uninspired, a kind of what's the point, monotonous, lackluster, blah, just going through the motions kind of existence.  Unless it is Thursday, Friday or Saturday (when I look forward to drinking) I just really have a hard time enjoying anything in life anymore. 

It's almost like I live in this fog of existence.  I just don't look too closely at anything...my dirty house, my lack of working out, my laundry that needs to be done, my poor eating habits, my grumpiness towards other people, my insecurities about everything.  I just kind of go through my day uninspired, just trying to get through it so I can go to bed.  Unless I am looking forward to drinking, actually drinking or suffering a hangover, this is how I feel most of this time.

I have also found that I have a new reason for drinking - to just numb out even more.  Sometimes when I drink on the weekends, it isn't to have fun, party, socialize.  Sometimes it is just to sit on my couch, by myself, drinking, watching tv and numb out.

This was November 2011

Last night I did have 2 glasses of wine.  I haven't drank during the week for a few weeks.  That open bottle in my fridge was calling my name.  What did it do for me? nothing.  How did it make me feel?  not really any different since I had shot my tolerance through the roof with this last weekend.  How did I sleep?  terrible - two glasses of wine and I was having hot flashes and just could not get to sleep.  It was almost like I had not drank enough to make me immediately fall asleep (only to wake up later) but just enough to not be able to go to sleep at all.  I am really nervous about the rest of the week and the upcoming Christmas break.  At the beginning of this week, I told myself that I am exhausted, out of shape, eating crappy, depressed and stressed out!  I needed to just spend this week recharging my batteries.  Instead I am falling back into old patterns of drinking, not sleeping well, running around doing things  (I think I have ADHD and the alcohol calms me down), not eating well and making excuses not to go to the gym.  I always think that if I can just get to the gym,  everything will fall into place.  Drinking last night (even just 2 glasses) killed my motivation this morning because I did not sleep well.  Maybe stopping drinking, will help everything fall into place. 

In my craziest, most wonderful dreams, I just tell everyone that I don't drink and I am so relaxed, content, proud with that decision.  Why can't I just do it???

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Monday, November 20, 2017

Shut Up!!! (Mon) 11/20/17

I feel like my has multiple personalities:

OK, glad I feel better today. Yesterday I was so tired, wanted to isolate, ate crappy, had a stomach ache and let's admit it - had a hangover.  I do remember why I quit - because I was tired of feeling this way.  The only way to get to this supposed "life is better sober" side is to go though a period of not drinking. How long? who knows? a year? two years? never? I don't know. It isn't guaranteed I will ever be happy (with or without alcohol). But I have to try. I have to give sobriety a chance. I have to try. I have been weekend drinking for so long that I really do know it is not the road to happiness. But not drinking doesn't seem to be the road either. Maybe I just haven't given it enough time. Maybe I could just try harder to be an occasional drinker. OK that's bullshit and I know it. I have tried that for the last ten years. I know that once I decide I'm drinking again, it eventually becomes every weekend and more often than not over drinking and hangovers followed by just a lethargic, depressed way of living. Why can;t I just moderate? because I have a brain that is physically addicted to alcohol. Once it is in, I want more. One drink becomes three (which is enough for a hangover) - one night a weekend becomes two or three, one weekend a month becomes every weekend. Every. Single. Time.  Why can't I be happy without alcohol? because of what the anonymous blogger ingeniously wrote, "because is it the story I am telling myself." I still believe I need a drug to be social, excited, happy fun - to basically enjoy life. IT IS A DRUG! Dumb-ass!  You are addicted to a drug and it sounds incredibly asinine to say I can't be happy without it!  Ok back to quitting. Ok wait - maybe January 1. It will be hard to do over the holidays now that I drank again. Ya but do I want the holidays to be spent as I have spent many of them in the past? Yes having fun drinking, but also over drinking, exhausted, depressed, anxious? Are you willing to waste another December on all this bullshit. Maybe February 1 since I have a big birthday in the middle of January. Yes that's it quit for good in Feb.  That sounds like a good plan. A good plan? That sounds like a rationalization of a drug user.  I feel like I have multiple personalities living in my brain constantly fighting with each other.


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Sunday, November 19, 2017

Life kinda sucks either way..just being honest 11/19/17

No denying it....I have broken my sobriety and am so confused.  I drank three weekends ago with my sister.  I drank two weekends ago, again with my  sister and I drank last night....with my sister.  Not only that, Thursday night I drank two beers in secret before anyone got home from work and two more Friday night in secret.  Here I was sneaking around the house, peeking out the window watching for any cars to pull up so I wouldn't get caught.  Thursday, I told myself just one but I couldn't stop myself from having the second. And then I felt a little disappointed when everyone started coming home.   I just don't even know where to begin.  I am so confused. Today I am disappointed in myself and just confused. 

When I think about drinking in the future - it all seems so good. I hear myself say - finally - I can now enjoy my life again. I can go out of town, or out to dinner, or hang out with friends, or go to that brewery. Finally! I don't have to be bored or different or depressed or left out. I can actually look forward to things again. I can have fun...be fun again. Not drinking sucks!

And then sitting here in the quite of the morning, writing about my failure, I remember how drinking was never fun except while doing it (or anticipating doing it). I remember the reasons I wanted to quit. I remember that it takes joy from me, steals my energy, my self worth, my motivation for getting in shape, my sleep. It gives me anxiety, heart palpitations, insomnia, depression and makes me act in ways that I don't like.  Drinking sucks!

It seems my life will either be fun, exciting, social, accepted but anxious, exhausted, obsessed


my life will be boring, depressing, uneventful but rested, less anxious, in better shape.

Both options suck. They are both depressing and I honestly don't know which one to choose.  I really want to choose moderation where I drink only occasionally  - not an all or nothing thing.  Why can't I just have that?

I really am beginning to hate my life and I hate that I am saying that! I hate alcohol and I love alcohol. I can't happily live with it and I can't happily live without it. It sucks!

Monday, November 6, 2017

Rough weekend 11/6/17

I have to say that this last weekend was a little rough.  I think the fact that I did drink last Saturday just opened up the doors for thoughts about trying to moderate.  My "I'm just not drinking.. period... deal with it" wasn't there this weekend.  I had a hard time at my sister's house (yes, the same sister as last weekend) on Sunday. Other people were drinking and something as stupid as the fact that I really liked her new wine glasses made me have some bad cravings.  I didn't drink but was pretty bummed about it. I was having thoughts of maybe after another month I could try again. My daughter asked me if I was proud of myself for not drinking and my response was, "I guess...whatever...it is what it is."  I really missed it last weekend. My dh went to a neighborhood party. I didn't go bc I was just grumpy all weekend and I knew they would be drinking.  I really wanted to be there drinking and socializing and having fun.  I just kind of felt sorry for myself.  I was just down, grumpy, mad, tired. Maybe next weekend will be better. I know that alcohol brings so much suffering into my life that it isn't worth those few hours but it sure felt like it would be. It's so easy to forget the suffering or think that this time will be different.  Why do I just forget all of that when a weekend night roles around and I want to drink?  It's the voice that caused me to give in .  Damn addiction voice!