Thursday, March 31, 2016

3/31/16 (Thurs) Selfish/not drinking this weekend/30 days

It is interesting to me how selfish drinking really is.  I am not going to drink this weekend and it changes the way I think about it.  When something comes up like taking my nephews to church for my sister or doing something my mom needs done, my thinking shifts.  When I know I am going to drink, my thoughts go to, "Well, I am not going to want to sleep in, or what if an impromptu neighborhood party happens, of what if everyone wants to get drinks after work on Friday, or what if is sunny Friday after snowing all week and I want to sit outside with a beer, or I don't want to be responsible for driving." It's not like it's fully conscious thoughts its more of an underlying thought of keeping my options open just in case an opportunity to drink comes up. Its about not making any "non drinking" commitments to anyone just in case.  It all is a bit selfish.  And stressful.  And exhausting.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

3/30/16 (Wed) Has my flame gone out?

Yes....My flame is barely a flicker.  Every time I drink excessively I feel like my wick barely even has a bit of smoke coming off of it.  I takes me 4 days to get it back to a low burning level where I actually want to participate in my pwn life.  My BIGGEST problem is that when I finally start feeling better (which happens to be the next weekend - welcome to the world of a weekend binge drinker), that is exactly when I feel like drinking again.  Why do I time and time and time again forget how lousy I feel after drinking and how long it takes to recover?  I am not a stupid person - I have a masters degree, am a teacher of 20 years, have a loving family, a nice house and great friends.  Why can't I figure out how to stop the insanity.  Scratch that...I know how to stop the insanity....the real question is....why don't I?

Monday, March 28, 2016

3/28/16 (Mon) Spring Break Failure - drank 8/12 days - did do 30 in January but then started again

This is how I feel today.  First day back to school after a terrible Spring Break.  I have drank 8 out of the last 12 evenings.  The ONLY days I did not drink were because I had such a bad hangover I couldn't.  I am utterly and completely exhausted.  I didn't drink at all in January, but since then it hasn't been good.  Only on the weekends except for this week, but EVERY Friday, Saturday and usually Sunday I am drinking and with a vengeance.  Back to going upstairs in the hotel to "make popcorn" but also guzzle another beer (after I've already had 5) getting obviously more drunk than everyone else....back to getting another beer at the ski lodge bar and guzzling it while my kids were skiing and my sister was in the bathroom.  I'm talking an IPA draft beer in 10 minutes...back to already having 2 bloody marys by 1:00 pm because it is sunny and we are skiing...back to only sleeping 4 hours EVERY SINGLE time I drink - I wake up heart pounding, sweating, feeling like a "f"ing idiot...back to no energy, no motivation, no real inner peace and joy just all of the internal chaotic bullshit noise that that is either screaming and plotting for the next drinking occasion or beating myself up for the last one.  Just plain ridiculous!