Monday, July 13, 2020

7/13/20 - Exhausted today but have a plan

I do not feel very good today. I feel kind of like when I used to drink. Last night I went to bed and my brain felt swollen like my ears were full. It is a weird feeling that I used to get all the time while suffering a hangover. I woke up at midnight with a terrible headache and had to get up and take some Tylenol. My weekend was very "bipolar-ish". I was texting with my sister Friday and Saturday (like 50 texts) which caused me an extreme amount of anxiety. I went from being sad and crying to angry to anxious. I spent the last three days in an obsessive manic talking spree to anyone that would husband, daughter, son, my other sister. Hours spent on the phone analyzing, discussing, obsessing, rationalizing, contemplating. Basically, the sister who is now mad at me told me that she will not have a relationship with me as long as I have a relationship with my other sister. Up to this point, I had just been waiting, for four months, as she needed time to come to terms with the fact that I had reached out to our other sister after a four-year estrangement. I just wanted to have a relationship with both of them. I was just sick of all the drama. Friday she told me she didn't need any more time and that she had "made peace" with the situation. That was heartbreaking to hear. How could she just throw away our relationship just bc I wanted to make up without our other sister. The two of them have a lot of pretty deep hurt, anger and conflict but it doesn't involve me. She felt like I should have "had her back" and that I betrayed her and out relationship by reaching out. I, btw, told her before I did it. It wasn't behind her back. I do not regret the decision I made bc my original motivation was to make amends for the six cousins involved. I was tired of them suffering because of adult problems. In the process, my sister and I made up.

I can't change the way she feels. I have tried/begged for her to forgive me and choose to still have a relationship with me. She will not. I can't change that. I can hope that someday she will come around, but I can't force it. There is nothing else I can do.

I just need to let it go!

There is a pretty big difference in the way I handled the situation after two years sober than how I might have before. In my texting with her, I was much more level headed. I didn't get super defensive, I ignored particularly hurtful things she said just to bait me into a reaction. I treated her with respect and kindness. I did say that I  thought she was being a bit selfish and immature but that is the only negative thing I said. I was just trying to get her to see that she does not have to look at herself as a victim. That she can choose to let go of her anger and still have a relationship with me.

What I still need to work on is to stop obsessing and letting myself get into this super anxious state that consumes me. I am beginning to be able to recognize my physical symptoms of anxiety now that I am not drinking and blaming it all on having a hangover. I get that swollen head feeling, I get kind of dizzy, I get super distracted, I talk at a frenzied pace...I just can't stop talking about it. I get a little bipolar where I either feel completely worn out, want to go to bed and do nothing or I am super hyper and a bit manic in my behavior. It is exhausting.

I need to let it go!

I need to get back to taking care of myself. Meditating, working out, doing yoga, reading, sleeping, drinking water, eating healthy and just thinking positively and having gratitude for the good things in my life. I need to focus on what makes me happy and content and peaceful. Things will work out...they always do.

I will let it go.

I am going to start this journal that I bought last January called Master Your Life by Kristen Race. It is all about doing something for 90 days and changing your routines, habits and mindset.  It's kind of like a daily planner/habit tracker/gratitude journal. I have started and stopped this journal four or five-time since January never holding to my commitment. I start school in a little over four weeks. I am going to commit to the next 30 days to do this planner every day. I am going to focus on my mental and physical health. I have got to get myself back.

Today I am just going to do as much as I can as I do not feel super great. I will meditate, work out, fill out my journal, make dinner, eat healthily, drink water, and maybe take a nap. That is enough for today and it is better than binge-watching 90 Day Fiance while eating popcorn and cereal all day.

Sunday, July 12, 2020

7/12/20 - Emotional Hangover

There is a little bit of new drama in my life I am working through right now. I have two sisters. We have always been super close or fighting. Rarely have all three of us been in a good place with each other at the same time. A few years ago we found out some things about one of my sisters that caused a huge divide in our family. She chose to move to another state and not talk to any of us for years. I developed a pretty good relationship with my other sister during this time. It wasn't perfect as we are very different but we weren't fighting. We had grown a bit apart over the past couple of years bc I was no longer drinking. I think drinking gave us common ground as we are both pretty different. When we were drinking we could look past that little bit of comfortableness that was there when we were hanging out. Anyways, we were good.  There are six cousins involved and my children were sad that they couldn't have a relationship with the two cousins that had moved so I decided, after four years, to reach out to the estranged sister so that they could see each other. No one else was going to do it. It was pretty hard. We had some very difficult conversations where we were both honest about our feelings. We each apologized for what we thought we should and agreed to let the rest go. This sister and I are much more alike and I really did miss her and her kids. I am so glad we have a relationship again and she doesn't drink that's a plus.

The conflict between my sisters is pretty deep and goes probably 30 years back. I don't know if they will ever be able to work things out. They can both be pretty stubborn. The problem is that the sister I have had a relationship with for the past four years now won't talk to me bc I made up with our other sister. She feels completely betrayed by me. She feels, "How could you make up with her after everything she has done to me. You turned your back on me and my kids. If you have a relationship with her, you can not have one with me." While I completely understand that I hurt her with my decision I do not regret it. I did what I felt was best for the kids and frankly for myself. I was sick of the conflict and drama. I just wanted to get along with everyone. If they had their conflict and chose to never makeup, that was their choice, but I chose to be happy, peaceful, not angry or resentful, and have a relationship with everyone in my family. I don't understand why she can't see that and still choose to have a relationship with me. We had a long conversation via text, as she won't speak to me in person, Friday night and yesterday morning. I have practically begged for her forgiveness and taken responsibility for hurting her but tried to make her see that she can choose to forgive me and have a relationship with me. She just won't do it. She says she has "made peace" with her decision and that she now needs to protect her family. I really don't understand that. Protect them from what?

I tried and tried and tried and cried but she isn't going to change her mind. I am heartbroken. I now have to come to terms with the fact that while I have a relationship with one of my sisters, I now do not have one with the other. It sucks! I don't understand why it has to be this way. Why can't I have a relationship with everyone? I talked to my daughter, son, and husband about it and I asked the question, "If I had to pick, who would I chose?" They said, "You chose the one that doesn't make you chose." I think that makes a lot of sense. I feel it is pretty selfish of her to stop speaking to me just bc of the decision I made. And she blames me for causing drama...I don't think so. I feel like she is being a little selfish and immature.

So today I woke up sad, confused, exhausted, headachy, and pretty numb. I don't know what else I can do. I will not choose. I chose both of my sisters. If she ever chooses to have me back in her life I will absolutely be happy about that with no hard feelings about some of the things she has said to me. I have to come to terms with the fact that she has to make that decision and that she maybe never will. I may never have a relationship with her again which is incredibly painful, but I can't do anything about it. I am a fixer but I can't fix this. The only way to fix it with her is to stop speaking to my other sister and in my heart that fixes nothing bc then I am still not in a relationship with one of them. It is only fixed for me if I have a relationship with both of them. I need to come to terms with the fact that I can't fix this and let it be. Hopefully she will change her mind in the future.