7/13/20 - Exhausted today but have a plan

I do not feel very good today. I feel kind of like when I used to drink. Last night I went to bed and my brain felt swollen like my ears were full. It is a weird feeling that I used to get all the time while suffering a hangover. I woke up at midnight with a terrible headache and had to get up and take some Tylenol. My weekend was very "bipolar-ish". I was texting with my sister Friday and Saturday (like 50 texts) which caused me an extreme amount of anxiety. I went from being sad and crying to angry to anxious. I spent the last three days in an obsessive manic talking spree to anyone that would listen...my husband, daughter, son, my other sister. Hours spent on the phone analyzing, discussing, obsessing, rationalizing, contemplating. Basically, the sister who is now mad at me told me that she will not have a relationship with me as long as I have a relationship with my other sister. Up to this point, I had just been waiting, for four months, as she needed time to come to terms with the fact that I had reached out to our other sister after a four-year estrangement. I just wanted to have a relationship with both of them. I was just sick of all the drama. Friday she told me she didn't need any more time and that she had "made peace" with the situation. That was heartbreaking to hear. How could she just throw away our relationship just bc I wanted to make up without our other sister. The two of them have a lot of pretty deep hurt, anger and conflict but it doesn't involve me. She felt like I should have "had her back" and that I betrayed her and out relationship by reaching out. I, btw, told her before I did it. It wasn't behind her back. I do not regret the decision I made bc my original motivation was to make amends for the six cousins involved. I was tired of them suffering because of adult problems. In the process, my sister and I made up.

I can't change the way she feels. I have tried/begged for her to forgive me and choose to still have a relationship with me. She will not. I can't change that. I can hope that someday she will come around, but I can't force it. There is nothing else I can do.

I just need to let it go!

There is a pretty big difference in the way I handled the situation after two years sober than how I might have before. In my texting with her, I was much more level headed. I didn't get super defensive, I ignored particularly hurtful things she said just to bait me into a reaction. I treated her with respect and kindness. I did say that I  thought she was being a bit selfish and immature but that is the only negative thing I said. I was just trying to get her to see that she does not have to look at herself as a victim. That she can choose to let go of her anger and still have a relationship with me.

What I still need to work on is to stop obsessing and letting myself get into this super anxious state that consumes me. I am beginning to be able to recognize my physical symptoms of anxiety now that I am not drinking and blaming it all on having a hangover. I get that swollen head feeling, I get kind of dizzy, I get super distracted, I talk at a frenzied pace...I just can't stop talking about it. I get a little bipolar where I either feel completely worn out, want to go to bed and do nothing or I am super hyper and a bit manic in my behavior. It is exhausting.

I need to let it go!

I need to get back to taking care of myself. Meditating, working out, doing yoga, reading, sleeping, drinking water, eating healthy and just thinking positively and having gratitude for the good things in my life. I need to focus on what makes me happy and content and peaceful. Things will work out...they always do.

I will let it go.

I am going to start this journal that I bought last January called Master Your Life by Kristen Race. It is all about doing something for 90 days and changing your routines, habits and mindset.  It's kind of like a daily planner/habit tracker/gratitude journal. I have started and stopped this journal four or five-time since January never holding to my commitment. I start school in a little over four weeks. I am going to commit to the next 30 days to do this planner every day. I am going to focus on my mental and physical health. I have got to get myself back.

Today I am just going to do as much as I can as I do not feel super great. I will meditate, work out, fill out my journal, make dinner, eat healthily, drink water, and maybe take a nap. That is enough for today and it is better than binge-watching 90 Day Fiance while eating popcorn and cereal all day.