4/29/18 (Sun) Waste of time

I was thinking this morning about what a waste of time alcohol is. Of course it causes the waste of a day with a hangover, but I'm talking about more than that. I look around my house/yard and see many unfinished/never started projects that need to be completed.  I look at myself and realize I have let myself go physically, I look at my relationships and realize I don't put as much effort in as I used to. I used to do all of those things and drink on the weekends. That isn't possible for me anymore.

Drinking has such a profound effect on my ability to accomplish anything in life. I'm not talking about a bottle of wine on a Saturday. Of course that has an impact with the hangover, anxiety, regret. etc. But even 2 beers on a Friday night now has the power to keep me in this funk. I feel like I am mentally stuck in this place between wanting to drink and not wanting to drink. I think it is called mental discord when you know what the right choice is, but you keep choosing the wrong one. I think my biggest reason for wanting to drink is to be included and have fun. Right after I type that, I think that isn't actually true. If that is the case, why did I sneak a beer last Thursday, all by myself, sit on the couch so I could see my husband pull up and then dump it real quick before he "caught" me? He, honestly, wouldn't care, but I didn't want him to know. Most of the time I drink to have fun, hang out with friends and feel included, be part of the group. But that time was not to have fun or feel included. That time, as with many others, was by myself just because I was craving it.  I have developed an addiction caused by the many years of putting an addictive drug in my body. It is a scientific fact, not something I can debate with myself.  I have created this addiction that can not be undone. It may not be may fault, I may be predisposed to addiction. It might be my fault. Who knows? Who cares? It doesn't really matter. What is done is done. I am pickled and I can't go back to drinking like I used to. It would be like reversing my age or undoing menopause...impossible.

Maybe I tell myself my reason for continuing to drink is to have fun and be included, when in reality I am just addicted and craving my drug of choice. It is my addicted brain using all the tricks to get me to drink. I am not going to lie, I really don't believe all of you who say it is "fun" to be sober. I'm sure it is a better life with less anxiety, depression, insomnia....but more "fun". I seriously doubt it. I think I really believe that, so my brain uses it to get me to drink...to satisfy it's addiction to a drug.

All these years of being stuck and struggling have just wasted so much time and energy. I know that if I continue the same pattern, nothing changes. I have to take a leap of faith, try hard and see if this "joyous" sobriety is really possible. I have to get through this spring and summer without drinking. I have to do it differently this year. I need to get some stuff done!

4/28/18 (Sat) Spring - New Beginnings

Instead of looking at spring as a time to celebrate and party, I am going to look at it as a new, fresh beginning.



I like this quote because it is going to take courage to stay sober in the face of all the pressure I perceive from the outside world. I know nobody really cares if I drink or not, I just put too much pressure on myself to fit, feel included and be liked. I need to be brave.



I tell my daughter all the time, "Do what you can do today to be the best version of yourself. Don't worry about tomorrow, or next week, month or year. Just do today what you can do today to move you in a positive direction."

4/27/18 (Fri) Let's be clear

Just to be clear...I know that I struggle with alcohol....I am not in denial....and I am not going to a meeting. Just because I am trying to be healthier in all areas does not mean I am denying the fact that I am alcohol dependent. And...I have tried just stopping drinking and just worrying about that and sitting around eating ice cream and feeling sorry for myself and being lazy.  It lasted for awhile but I became isolated and bored. While this plan is ambitious (I realize) it is trying something different and it did work FOR ME when I quit smoking.

4/26/18 (Thurs) SMART Goals for May

We set SMART goals for students in education all the time.  We don't just say, "He/she needs to read better or get better at math." That goal wouldn't get us very far because it isn't specific about what they need and how we are going to accomplish the goal. SMART goals are very specific courses of action, such as having the student in a intervention reading group five days a week for 30 minutes with the interventionist using a specific research backed reading program. We make sure that it is possible given the structure of the school day. We make sure that the skills we are working on are actually what the student needs (comprehension vs decoding). We make sure the goals are small steps that are reasonably attainable by the student and there is a time limit (2-4 weeks) at which time progress is assessed and, if the goal has been met, a new attainable goal is set until the student is where they need to be.  If progress is not made, we change the course of action. We don't just keep doing the same generalized thing all year if it isn't working hoping that somehow the student will improve.

Why can't I use this system in my own life.  When I quit smoking (which took me three years and was so incredibly hard), I had to finally change everything in my life - not just the smoking. For the first 6 months of my last and finally successful attempt, I stopped drinking (bc I liked to smoke when I drank and lost my resolve), I worked out everyday, I ate healthy, I got a lot of sleep, etc. My focus was on being healthy and smoking didn't fit into that lifestyle.  And it worked. I was working so hard at being healthy, I didn't want to put that poison in my body.  It was still hard to handle all of the nicotine cravings and I cried and screamed and withdrew from the world, but I did it.

I am currently 20 pounds over weight. I'm only 5'4 so I can definitely tell. Every fall, I tell myself I am going to work out all winter so I don't have to spend then next summer in yoga pants as I am too embarrassed to put on a pair of shorts. I don't think I have had a swimming suit on in at least five years. Well, after 7+ years of that goal, it still hasn't happened. I blame part of that (actually a lot) on alcohol. I am so busy worrying about drinking or not drinking, or hungover, or depressed and isolated when abstaining, that I haven't really had much mental real estate to lend to anything else for the last 10 years.

What if I make some SMART goals for the month of May. What if I get really specific about what I want to accomplish, work really hard and see how I feel at the end of the month. Just focus on today, today and get done what is on my list. I will make a calendar with my goals for each day and cross off when each goal is accomplished.

So I made a google doc here  to keep track of my progress.

Specific
Body - cardio or weights 6 days a week in the morning
Mind - meditate or yoga 6 days a week in the afternoon/evening
Diet - eat three healthy meals and two snacks every day, nothing after 6:30 pm, limit sugar/junk food
No Alcohol for 6 weeks
Reread "The Naked Mind" and Alan Carr's book to remind myself of the toxic, addictive nature of alcohol

Measurable
Cross off each item at the end of the day
Log each Sunday about how I am feeling (once a week instead of obsessing every day)
Track body composition

Attainable
Yes - I can do this for 6 weeks. There is no reason why I can't. I have the time and equipment.
Meal plan/shop every Sunday for the following week
Set my alarm for earlier in the morning (and actually get up)
Use the Headspace App to learn how to meditate
Use Daily Burn for workouts and yoga
Use Couch to 5K for cardio
Limit the amount of time on computer and tv
Get on mmabsers and seek support for alcohol cravings

Relevant
Absolutely - when is working on improving health irrelevant
Hopefully - working on all areas of health will help with remaining sober

Time Bound
6 weeks

My ultimate goal is to be the best version of myself which includes not drinking for 6 weeks. I will use these smaller SMART goals to get there.

I'm not going to lie - it gives me a little bit of anxiety to even post this and make it public as there is part of me that knows I am going to want to drink this month and will be upset with myself that I even made this plan and published it because then I will feel like a failure.  If I don't make any goals, then I have nothing to fail at. While that doesn't get me anywhere it is less scary. I think I am so sick of failing that it is easier to not even try. Just keep doing the same things hoping things will get better.

4/25/18 Sleep Paralysis and Interesting Article

I had a terrible case of sleep paralysis last night.  I was kind of half awake/half asleep laying in my bed. Someone was in my house and I was so scared. As hard as I tried, I couldn't move.  I was trying to scream, to wake up my dh but all I could make was this grunting sound because I couldn't move and it felt like my tongue was stuck in my throat. It felt like this went on forever. It was terrifying - someone was in my house and I couldn't do a thing about it.  Of course, I got up and started researching the causes.  Sleep deprivation is surely my cause. I don't think I have gotten more than 5 hours of sleep since last Saturday. This always seems to happen after a hangover and it only takes 3 drinks for me to have a hangover. Just another terrifying reason to quit drinking.

While looking around, I found this:   What It’s Really Like To Be An Alcoholic

I found myself reading about someone who is obviously an alcohol (unlike me) and finding so many similarities.  Some of these are:

Example: An alcoholic gets emotional: angry, sentimental, happy, etcetera. Those emotions emit via diatribes that don’t make sense, like when I got upset at my family because — from my drunk perspective — they didn’t care about the “state of world affairs” and were content to go on living their blissfully ignorant lives, la la la. Did I tell you that this occurred one year on Christmas night? I called my mom a bitch when she told me to shut up already.  The next morning I apologized to everyone, but this kind of damage goes unrepaired, really.

Alcohol withdrawal sucks. Your blood pressure spikes, and if you’re me you can actually feel it. It’s like the blood pumping up my carotid artery and into my brain vibrates against my skull so I hear the pulses in my ears and they won’t go away. You get night sweats. You have insomnia, because you’ve relied on alcohol to put yourself to sleep and either voluntarily or not you’ve now deprived yourself of your “sedative.” You lay awake reading and writing. This is excellent for your productivity, but not so good for getting to work the next day after a sleepless night.

Night terrors: these aren’t nightmares, as you don’t achieve REM sleep. That’s because, as previously mentioned, you cannot sleep. But you sometimes do get into a weird half-awake/half-asleep state in which you think you can see everything in the room in which you lie. The details are extraordinary. There’s the television, the coffee table, the remote. You feel the fabric of the couch beneath you. But you cannot move. You’re paralyzed. And what’s more awful is that you hear the footsteps (someone’s, but whose?) approaching from behind. Then you feel whoever that is touching your shoulder, pushing against you. You’re so goddamn scared because you cannot see who or what this is because you cannot move to see the person or to make him stop, or to get away, or to fight back. Then your eyes snap open to the living room, empty except for you laying there. You return to your book, the lines of prose running by like armies marching east. When you doze, repeat at this paragraph’s beginning. The process continues till morning.

Another thing that sucks is trying to find drinking time. Unfortunately, most people, myself included, are fairly responsible, have jobs and families, and work hard to maintain the personal and professional relationships that help perpetuate these scenarios. Because such work has to be put into such relationships, necessarily that time has not been diverted to drinking. But, if you’re an alcoholic (and don’t go fooling yourself thinking that only true alcoholics are the people who are f-cked up down at the park, in the ragged clothing, homeless, with the red wrinkled faces) then a good portion of your thinking per day goes into how you will get your drink on. You’ll think things like, if I go to the bar today, then I won’t get the emissions test done on the car, but I could get that done tomorrow. I mean, the registration’s already expired, so what does one more day matter? You’ll think: my wife leaves work at 5:30 p.m., so if I’ve got time after I’ve finished teaching, I can stop by the bar for a beer and a shot, then go to the grocery store to pick up the “casual” beers I’ll drink with dinner.

The good news is that there are millions of people like you! Most people can’t fess up to the fact of their alcohol abuse. Your own family is this way: they can’t admit that there’s a history of alcoholism on both your father’s and your mother’s sides, nor can they accept it when you tell them that you have a drinking problem. They say, You have a job! You’re responsible! However, you have at least accepted the truth and you’re able to at look yourself. Hence the sleepless nights: because I try so hard to not drink so much. 

Ok...I just realized I could relate to most of the article.  It either applies to me or I could see it happening not to far in the future.  Scary

4/23/18 (Mon) Letter to my weekend self - READ EVERY DAY FOR THE NEXT MONTH! (Day 2 of 40)

READ THIS EVERY DAY FOR THE NEXT 40 DAYS!!! AND BELIEVE IT!!! DON'T CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT IT ISN'T TRUE AND THAT YOU CAN DRINK AND IT WILL BE DIFFERENT! DRINKING IS NEVER GOING TO GIVE YOU DIFFERENT RESULTS! GONE ARE THE DAYS OF CAREFREE, GUILT FREE, DEPRESSION FREE, ANXIETY FREE, HANGOVER FREE DRINKING! YOU CAN NEVER GET THOSE DAYS BACK! THAT SHIP HAS SAILED! OTHER PEOPLE CAN DRINK - YOU CAN NOT! GET OVER IT, GROW UP AND DO BETTER! YOU WILL GET THROUGH MAY WITHOUT ALCOHOL!!! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! THIS MONDAY WILL BE EXACTLY THE SAME IF YOU MAKE THE SAME CHOICES! YOU CAN'T KEEP DRINKING AND EXPECT THAT MIRACULOUSLY THE RESULTS WILL BE ANY DIFFERENT! I AM PRETTY PISSED AT MYSELF!

Dear Friday/Saturday me,

Please don't drink this weekend. You are sitting here at 4:00 am on Monday morning feeling bloated, puffy, exhausted and disappointed in yourself. You once again decided drinking would be a good idea and have, once again, paid a steep price. Just a reminder - you were up Saturday night from 3:30-5:30 with a stomach ache, extreme anxiety, hot flashes and heart palpitations. You laid on the couch, ate quesadillas and drank ginger ale, feeling awful, watching Dr. Phil for two hours before you could go back to sleep. Is that any way to live? Were those glasses of wine worth it? You are still not working out because you are recovering from the choices of Saturday night. You have stepped back onto the hamster wheel of feeling terrible on Sun-Wed. Then, just when you body starts to get rid of all the toxins, you start convincing yourself it would be a good idea to re-poison yourself this weekend. You are never going to get in shape, find mental freedom and be the best version of yourself if you continue to poison yourself every weekend.

Be kind to yourself this weekend. Care about yourself enough to not drink. You can get though Friday, Saturday and Sunday without any alcohol. You can do it...you have done it so many times before...you know it is possible and you know you can have fun without it and you know you will be proud of yourself and feel so much better come Monday morning. It's time...it's time to do spring differently. Let's not drink for at least 40 days 4/22-6/1. You have never had a sober May. Spring is the hardest month for you to stay sober, but you can do it!  Some things are going to be difficult - end of year parties that you have to attend bc they will be for you since you are leaving your school, sunny afternoons with invitations to breweries, family barbecues (like one you have to host this weekend), vacation plans, school getting out for the summer...but you can do this!

Get back to a place where you see alcohol for the toxic, addictive drug that it is. Stop romanticizing it and making it something that it isn't (the secret to weekend fun and happiness). You don't need it. It causes more hours of suffering than it does enjoyment. Being physically exhausted, emotionally disappointed and mentally obsessed/anxious lasts for 160 hours  - from 3:30 Sunday morning until probably Wednesday morning after finally being able to sleep while the "fun" of drinking only lasts six hours.  It's not worth it.

Do you want to spend yet another spring/summer feeling the way you feel, sitting here, after two terrible nights of sleep, still struggling, still out of shape, still not being the best version of yourself, still feeling depressed and overwhelmed and anxious and not happy? Or...do you really want this summer to be different? Nothing changes if nothing changed.

Pleeeeaaase..do not drink this weekend. Do it for yourself :)

Sincerely,
Monday morning me

4/20/18 (Fri) - More reasons to not drink this weekend

Yesterday I went to a meeting at my new school.  I just didn't feel like myself. I felt a little hyper, maybe a little too talkative (because I was a bit nervous) and just a little weird. I felt a bit manic. I was pretty revved up most of the time and really had a hard time focusing on what was being said, just really hyper in my brain. I woke up at 2:30 this morning and felt extreme anxiety about any impressions I might have left with these new teammates.  I didn't feel this way yesterday, but I had very similar feelings to what I have after an embarrassing night of drinking.  Of course I couldn't go back to sleep so I got up and am writing.

This really did help my resolve to not drink this weekend for two reasons. 

1.  I know that my drinking over the last month has again increased my general anxiety.  I am sure I was fine yesterday and did not embarrass myself. I am just having heightened anxiety because I am once again in the grips of this cycle of either drinking on the weekends (Fri/Sat), recovering from drinking/deciding not to drink (Sun/ Mon), not sure what I should do (Tues/Wed) or convincing myself to drink (Thurs/Fri/Sat).  I have been here many times and I know if I continue convincing myself to drink on the weekends (not mater how little) nothing will get better. I also know that after an extended period of sobriety, my brain seems to calm down. It stops frantically looking around, being distracted, worrying about everything, being hyper sensitive, cycling through manic stages and being obsessed.  I know, with 100% certainty, that alcohol is not good for my brain/mental state - even if is is only 2 beers on a Saturday - it is not good for me.

2.  Being that all of these people are new colleagues, I have the opportunity to establish a "new" me in terms of I don't drink and still have fun. None of these people already know me in that way so I don't need to fight against anyone's idea of who I am because of the past. I don't have to give reasons why I used to be the life of the party and now I don't drink.  They don't know me in that way so it is a great time for a fresh start.  I also don't ever have to go out with these people and then feel embarrassed the next morning for my behavior (dominating conversations/being loud/maybe even gossiping).  I can be in 100% in control of my behavior at all times and be fully present.

One thing that is super hard about that, though, is changing how I want other's to see me. I have always actually been proud of being the girl that people want to party with - always being included in the social plans, even having that bond of laughing the next Monday about how much fun we had staying out until 2:00 am drinking. (We never talk about the fact that I had totally ignored my family, drove when I shouldn't have, felt like complete garbage the next day, had to wrack my brain trying to remember if I did anything to embarrass myself - no, we never talk about that) Do I want to be seen as "Oh she doesn't drink? Why? Does she have a problem? Well, that's boring and weird"? I am having a hard time with this new image I guess, being totally honest, I am worried people won't like me. I won't be with the "popular " kids, I won't fit in, I will make others uncomfortable, I will be boring. It's so stupid to admit, but I have always been way to concerned with being liked and fitting in with the "popular kids". Even now at 50 years old I know that I change my behavior to fit in with these people.  Why do I do that? Why do I care? Sometimes I don't even really like who these people are but I will begin to act like them just to fit in and feel "cool". I also have a very bad case of FOMO. I am really not even sure of who I am anymore.

I was already trying to figure out how to go to dinner with my sister tonight so I could drink. My mind starts making plans, setting things into motion that will allow me to drink - almost on an unconscious level. I kind of know I am doing it, but don't want to admit that it is just so I can drink. I have always done this. I was always the party planner, the hostess,  the one who got all of the social activities started.  I think it was just my way of having an excuse to drink and having other drinkers around me - even better if they drank more than me. It also helped me feel liked and "popular". I surrounded myself with fellow drinkers and constantly created drinking events just so I could drink and not feel guilty. It was always just an excuse.

One last reason to not drink this weekend.  I ran across this article this morning:

Scientists Explain How Anxiety Can Cause Alzheimer's Disease

I know that drinking causes extreme anxiety in me.  I wonder if alcohol can also increase the chances of developing this disease  by causing anxiety.

4/17/18 - Packing dream again

I had terrible dreams again last night about trying to pack for a flight. Everyone else was already packed and ready to go. I couldn't find the right suitcase, couldn't find the clothes I was looking for and was having a panic attack trying to get finished before someone said, "Let's go." I was literally ripping through my drawers looking for clothes, running frantically up and down basement stairs looking for a larger suitcase. It is an extremely stressful dream that wakes me up with my heart still racing.  I have had this dream before and sure enough, on March 10, I found where I had written about it.  I looked up what is could mean and found this last time:

DREAM:  “I dreamt of being booked on an airline flight, but missed the flight.”  “I dreamt of getting ready for a big road trip but had trouble deciding what to pack.”COMMENTARY:  These dreams often show our hesitancies, attachments, or beliefs that are somehow limiting us or stopping us from taking a step in our lives or a step toward a deeper way of living. It could be our need to be prepared that stops us (e.g. we are busy packing or deciding what to take with us)

I found his this article today Dreams about packing

In the dream last night, I was packing to go to a place I had just been (like in the last month) and I couldn't find any of the clothes I packed last time. I definitely think this is related to chaos, difficulties making decisions, fear of failure, not knowing how to overcome a problem, feeling unprepared for an upcoming journey, etc. 

Maybe I will get some restful sleep tonight...

4/16/18 (Mon) Groundhog's Monday

4/16/18 (Mon)  Exhausted, depressed. I feel like I live my life in the Groundhog's Day movie and it sucks!

I ran across this article by Belle "How not to quit drinking"



I actually found in pretty fascinating. I feel like I am doing the hardest part over and over and over. Just like when I quit smoking. I would "quit" every morning. Then, something bad would happen during the day (or I would just make something up and over dramatize it) and I couldn't quit that day. I would buy cigarettes on the way home, make myself sick smoking most of them and quit the next morning. Sometime I would get a few days strung together but rarely a weekend.  It took me over two years of this torture to quit...and I had to quit drinking for 6 months to do it.  I pretty much withdrew from society and focused on not smoking.  With cigarettes I knew without a doubt I wanted to quit. I hated everything about smoking and none of my friends smoked.  I was just so incredibly addicted to nicotine that I had a hard time not giving in to the cravings.  I did day 1 over and over and over and it was ridiculous.

I think what is harder about alcohol is that almost all of my friends drink. Almost all social events involve alcohol. I just have to want it for myself and stop doing day 1 over and over and over.

And....I need to use tools and strategies to do it...it can't just be about wanting it more and "willing" it into reality.

4/15/18 (Sun) I don't even know what to say anymore

First of all - I understand it is ridiculous I am posting this and I understand that I have been fighting this for too long and I understand that life can be better sober and I understand that maybe I should get some outside help.  I am just posting to be accountable to myself.

Coming clean...I am so embarrassed to admit that I drank again last night.  4.5 drinks total and feel like garbage today. I had been thinking about drinking all day yesterday - really all last week.  I had a beer while making dinner (certainly not a special occasion) then another and another. When I got my fourth, I asked myself, "Do you really want to drink that? You know you will feel crappy tomorrow if you do. No. I do not." So I got up and dumped it out. Then I started to panic that I didn't have anything else to drink so I got another one and drank it. 3 of the 4.5 were hard seltzers so I was sneaking bc they look like water. I think my husband thought I only drank 1.   I'm going to throw the rest away.

I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND ANOTHER SPRING/SUMMER FIGHTING MYSELF!!!!!!

Choice A: What do I lose by not drinking:
Choice B: What do I gain by not drinking:

A.  Not getting excited for the weekend because I can't drink and have fun
B.  Getting excited for sleeping well, feeling good, getting in shape, being productive.
B.  Learning how to have fun without a drug.

A.  Not looking forward to vacations and worrying about not drinking.
B.  Looking forward to a relaxing, fully present vacation.
B.  Learning how to have a nice vacation without the use of a drug.

A.  Not feeling comfortable in all social situations.
B.  Being 100% present in all social situations and not embarrassing myself.
B.  Learning how to enjoy social situations without a drug.

A.  Worrying about what other people (especially my new colleagues) will think.
B.  Not caring about what other people think.
B.  Being a role model in terms of being able to socialize and have fun without a drug.

A.  FOMO - worried I won't get invited places and life will be boring
B.  Realizing a  boring sober life is better than living with the obsession that comes with addiction.
B   Learning how to make life fun without a drug.

Sometimes I just want to stop worrying about it, writing about it, reading about it, obsessing about it. I am just so sick of it.  What I am learning now is that if I stop thinking about it, I drink. That attitude always helps me rationalize drinking. I know that worrying and writing and reading helps me to stay sober. Hopefully, if I worry and obsess and write and read and STAY SOBER for long enough, eventually I won't need to obsess and write and read and think about it constantly. I know that if I push it all down, I will continue my weekend drinking which only exacerbates the worrying and obsessing and writing and reading.

Lastly, I am not proud of myself when I drink. As much as I tell myself, that I am fine and can handle it, there is a part of me that feels ashamed because I do know I have a problem and I am addicted and am continuing to use my drug of choice despite it making me sick. I am causing my own sickness.

Maybe I will find a SMART meeting group in my area. I am not giving up!

4/7/18-4/14/18 - Mental Roller Coaster

I did not post any of this last week bc I did not want to admit that I drank last weekend and also trying to figure out if I was going to continue to drink. When drinking, I don't post often bc I don't want to hear it...the reminders, the encouragement to not drink...blah blah  blah. Don't get me wrong...I appreciate the reminders and need to hear them, I just don't want to hear them if I am drinking (probably bc I know they are right). I still wrote, I just didn't post.

4/7/18 - (Sat) Drank one "giant" margarita and one beer last night
Went out to dinner (Mexican) came home and played a game (with ds and her husband)
Feelings today - fun, had a good time, woke up with a bit of a headache and kind of out of it but slept fine. Not mad I drank but also not glad

4/8/18 - (Sun) Drank 2 glasses of wine with sister at her house.  Then drank a beer while dh drove for us to meet up with some friends (kind of getting that feeling of needing more and not wanting to wait until the restaurant) and the one more beer at dinner. My dh only thinks I had 2, my sister only thinks I had 2, my friend only thinks I had one. I know the truth. I had 4, slept terrible, had a really painful stomach ache all night (like a knife jabbing in my stomach) and woke up in the middle of the night with an anxiety attack. When I woke up with the heart racing and hot flashes, I said to myself, "Here we go again...I deserve this."  Super tired today.

I read this statement in someone else's blog which is so true.

"the way my brain feels about alcohol once it's in my blood is stronger than my brain's ability to make the right decision."

Feelings today - I need to stop drinking again. I don't like the way I feel while drinking (I just think I'm going to like feeling buzzed) and I hate the way I feel afterwards.

4/9/18 - (Mon) Felt awful yesterday. Didn't do anything. Cried a little. I don't even like to drink anymore, but I keep doing it.....Back to sobriety. I feel so much better when I don't drink. Just gotta figure out a way to get through the weekend/springtime/social cravings. Spring is the worst season for me. I haven't stayed sober though the spring in 30 years. I need to get serious again and not be so loosey goosey with my sobriety.  Anne is right. Something changed right after the work meet up. It seems that that one beer just opened up the door for all of the denial and rationalizing to come back in. My thinking changed. I just need to keep that door tightly closed and get back to it not even being an option.

4/10/18 - (Tues) Feel better today. Rereading This Naked Mind....again. I really like the scientific stuff - the actual reason my brain is so messed up and what alcohol  physically does to me.  It makes me believe I am not imagining all of my problems or just making them up.

4/11/18 - (Wed) I am not posting because I want to drink this weekend - just being honest.  I even saw two different neighbors today and they both said, "We should get together this weekend! It's been a long time." One of them even used the words, "Tie one on...like we used to." I really want to just try to moderate harder. I just really don't want to live without alcohol. There I said it...even with the negative consequences. I want to have fun and enjoy my life. I just want to drink when I want to drink, stop all the posting and obsessing and just not worry about it. Like it used to be. I was so tired today. I watched tv for like 4 hours, ate popcorn and a sleeve of Oreos. What is wrong with me?

4/12/18 - (Thurs) My brain is really telling me to go ahead and drink this weekend. It's even trying to figure out how to make that happen without my kids knowing. When I drank that Margarita last weekend, my ds told my dd and she called and gave me shit.  While sober I have told her to do this...that I don't need someone enabling me and telling me it will be ok and that I'm not that bad.  I always feel really guilty when she finds out. Kind of bc it isn't her problem and I don't want her to spend energy worrying about her mom.  That is the way I spent my childhood and it didn't serve me very well.  Also, I feel guilty bc I just want to be the best person I can be and for her to be proud of me and I know that is not the case when I drink.  Anyway...I am really battling the "I want to drink voice" calling to me for this weekend. I was so hyper today. Ready to sell my house and move. A million thoughts running through my head and I can't focus on anything. I think I have bipolar. Jeez!

4/13/18 (Fri) Just when I am pretty much sure I am going to drink this weekend,  I get a picture in my Facebook feed from 4 years ago (that would be April 2014). We  had gone to the mountains. The picture was of me and dh sitting at a ski resort drinking while the kids were skiing (on a Friday afternoon with the sun shining...perfect...).  In the picture we look so happy and I was, at that moment...sitting in the sun at a fancy resort drinking a beer like I was so cool.

However, I continued to drink until we left to go to the hotel (a super nice hotel with a gondola that goes to the ski area, personal ski concierge, an outside pool facing the ski area and a spa). We usually can't afford this place but they were having a deal that weekend. Things were not as expected at the hotel (the pool was shut down for maintenance and the gondola was closed bc it was too late in the season), I was drunk, and I made a complete idiot out of myself.  One of my most embarrassing moments that I can remember. One of the only times I have felt kind of black out, raging, out of control, tunnel vision, unaware of my behavior and that everyone was probably looking at me kind of drunk. My family was embarrassed.

Not a good memory but came at a good time.  I needed the reminder of what happened four years ago and that it was four years ago and I am still dealing with this shit! Now I have decided I am not drinking this weekend. Such a stupid mental roller coaster.

4/8/18 - Can someone answer this question for me?

Why, when I don't even like the way I feel when drinking anymore (I am 100% sure I like the way I feel when sober better) and I hate the way I feel afterwards, do I still want to drink?

Is it possible? 4/5/18

Is it possible that I have felt like complete shit since last Saturday bc I only drank 6 beers the previous Sat, Sun and Mon? I have just been out of it since being back from vacation. I come home from work and just sit on the couch binge watching Netflix and eating a bunch of crap.  I thought I was just down in the dumps for some reason. Maybe a sugar/junk food hangover. It sure has felt like an extended week long hangover even though I never had more thatn 2 beers at a time and never really felt buzzed at all. Even last week on Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri I didn't feel bad. But as soon as I got back from vacation, I just took a downward spiral. Have kind of been in a dark place. Not wanting to do anything. Really kind of depressed. To the point that I have been fantasizing about just drinking this weekend. Just getting a bottle of wine, going over to my sister's house and drinking it with her....just getting a beer, sitting on the back porch with dh and drinking with him...just taking out neighbors out to dinner (for a favor they did for us), ordering a glass of wine and drinking it with them, just going to fa brewery with neighbors (which I haven't been able to do more months).  Like really just giving up. Trying to tell myself it is just my obsession that is causing the problem.  I feel crappy anyway this week, and it can't possibly be from those couple of beers a week ago (when I felt perfectly fine the days following) so maybe my depression isn't from the alcohol anyways. Maybe I just think it is. Maybe if I work out and eat well, the depression will get better and then I can still drink.

My dh said something at my sister's house last Sunday. We went over there for Easter dinner. I didn't drink (didn't even want to) and my sister said, "Tell me again why you aren't drinking." I told her because it makes me feel bad. She asked, "Just a couple of glasses of wine gives you a hangover?" I said, "It does make my stomach hurt and effects my sleep, but it is more than that. It makes me depressed and increases my anxiety." A comment my dh said has kind of been rolling around in my brain this week.  He said, "You just think it does." He really does mean well, and he supports me whether I want to drink or not. He usually prefers me not to bc he know how unhappy it makes me, but I also think he likes it when I drink with him, so he just usually doesn't say anything about it either way.  Maybe ii is his own justification for his drinking (not really that much but still every weekend). He needs to believe it is all in my head and that alcohol could not have that kind of profound effect on my mental state. He wasn't coming form a bad place when he said it, but it did stick with me. Maybe I am just being over dramatic about the whole thing. Those five little words are trying to convince me to drink this weekend.

I woke up this morning with a question. Is it possible I mentally feel crappy this week because of those 6 beers? Not just bc I think I do, not bc I am obsessing about it, but bc physically/mentally the alcohol put me back into that depressed state? Not bc I am mad at myself and upset I broke my sobriety, or having a hangover but bc alcohol really is poison to my body and sends me to a dark place - PHYSICALLY - like I am not just imagining it or making things seem worse than they are bc of my obsessive thoughts - but scientifically because it is physically, actually, scientifically, measurably neurologically altering my neurons - it's not my imagination? I'm not making it up? It is actually happening. I wish I could physically see the damage it causes. It would make it easier to believe.

Want vs. Like 4/3/18

I was watching a video by Annie Grace (This Naked Mind) last night and she was talking about the difference between wanting vs liking alcohol. I found it very interesting bc I think what she is saying is so true for me.

At the beginning of my drinking career, I wanted to drink and I liked it. I had fun while drinking. I laughed, it gave me energy, I did silly things while drinking with friends my friends - it was a really good time for quite a few years.

I never thought about it before, but I don't think this is the case anymore.  I do still want to drink, but I don't think I actually like it anymore. I started thinking about the last year or so - after I have that beer or glass of wine I can honestly say that I really don't like the feeling anymore. I really don't like the "out of it" way I feel when buzzed. It makes me super tired, less able to focus on the present moment and actually kind of yucky - not to mention the aftereffects of stomach aches, insomnia, heart palpitations, anxiety and depression. I can honestly say with 100% certainty that I like the feeling of being sober better than the feeling of being buzzed. I don't think it is about actually liking it while I am drinking anymore. It is more about wanting it. Wanting the the anticipation of drinking. Curing the worry about events not being enjoyable without it.

It's pretty interesting to think about. I "want" something that I don't even "like" anymore. If I didn't like chicken anymore and it made me sick, I would stop eating it. Drugs suck! They are so self destructive. They make you crave something that is making you miserable.

Back from vacation 3/31/18 (attempt 16)

Long day of traveling yesterday, got home super late and am exhausted today. Have a lot to do and tomorrow is Easter so have family commitments.  Feeling a little down this morning. Maybe because vaca is over, maybe bc I miss my dd already, maybe bc I am still out of shape and ate pretty poorly while gone, maybe bc I drank and am disappointed in myself.  Maybe just bc I am tired.  Probably a combination of all of it.

Oh well, just gotta get my stuff done for the day, go to bed early and hopefully feel better tomorrow. The bad news...I drank.  The good news....only 7 beers and have quit again.  At least I am not giving up...

I will not give up on myself. 

I will do the best I can today to be the best version of myself for today. 

Back to my goal of 365 days of sobriety.  I really need to give it a year to really feel what sobriety feels like and see if all those craving disappear and are replaced with joy and gratefulness.

I try to keep track every time I attempt sobriety so just for record keeping:

2012-2013
Attempt 1 - 87 Days - 12/26/11-3/17/12
Attempt 2 - 255 Days - 8/1/12 - 4/14/13
2014
Attempt 3 - 17 Days - 1/1/14-1/18/14
Attempt 4 - 7 Days - 8/11/14-8/17/14 
2015
Attempt 5 - 64 Days - 1/3/15-3/5/15
Attempt 6 - 30 ?? Days - 9/28/15-??
2016
Attempt 7 - 30 Days - 12/30/15-1/30/16
Attempt 8 - 10 days - 3/28/16-4/10/16
Attempt 9 - 4 days - 4/11/16-4/16/16
Attempt 10 - 30 days - 6/6/16-7/4/16
Attempt 11 - 14 days - 9/4/16-9/18/16
2017
Attempt 12 - 20 days  -1/1/17-1/21/17
Attempt 13 - 7 days - 4/17/17-4/24/17
Attempt 14 - 125 days - 6/25/17-10/29/17
2018
Attempt 15 - 77 days - 12/29/17-3/15/18
Attempt 16 - 3/27-18-

Hopefully this will be the last time I type this list bc this will be the last failure.