I did not post any of this last week bc I did not want to admit that I drank last weekend and also trying to figure out if I was going to continue to drink. When drinking, I don't post often bc I don't want to hear it...the reminders, the encouragement to not drink...blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong...I appreciate the reminders and need to hear them, I just don't want to hear them if I am drinking (probably bc I know they are right). I still wrote, I just didn't post.
4/7/18 - (Sat) Drank one "giant" margarita and one beer last night
Went out to dinner (Mexican) came home and played a game (with ds and her husband)
Feelings today - fun, had a good time, woke up with a bit of a headache and kind of out of it but slept fine. Not mad I drank but also not glad
4/8/18 - (Sun) Drank 2 glasses of wine with sister at her house. Then drank a beer while dh drove for us to meet up with some friends (kind of getting that feeling of needing more and not wanting to wait until the restaurant) and the one more beer at dinner. My dh only thinks I had 2, my sister only thinks I had 2, my friend only thinks I had one. I know the truth. I had 4, slept terrible, had a really painful stomach ache all night (like a knife jabbing in my stomach) and woke up in the middle of the night with an anxiety attack. When I woke up with the heart racing and hot flashes, I said to myself, "Here we go again...I deserve this." Super tired today.
I read this statement in someone else's blog which is so true.
"the way my brain feels about alcohol once it's in my blood is stronger than my brain's ability to make the right decision."
Feelings today - I need to stop drinking again. I don't like the way I feel while drinking (I just think I'm going to like feeling buzzed) and I hate the way I feel afterwards.
4/9/18 - (Mon) Felt awful yesterday. Didn't do anything. Cried a little. I don't even like to drink anymore, but I keep doing it.....Back to sobriety. I feel so much better when I don't drink. Just gotta figure out a way to get through the weekend/springtime/social cravings. Spring is the worst season for me. I haven't stayed sober though the spring in 30 years. I need to get serious again and not be so loosey goosey with my sobriety. Anne is right. Something changed right after the work meet up. It seems that that one beer just opened up the door for all of the denial and rationalizing to come back in. My thinking changed. I just need to keep that door tightly closed and get back to it not even being an option.
4/10/18 - (Tues) Feel better today. Rereading This Naked Mind....again. I really like the scientific stuff - the actual reason my brain is so messed up and what alcohol physically does to me. It makes me believe I am not imagining all of my problems or just making them up.
4/11/18 - (Wed) I am not posting because I want to drink this weekend - just being honest. I even saw two different neighbors today and they both said, "We should get together this weekend! It's been a long time." One of them even used the words, "Tie one on...like we used to." I really want to just try to moderate harder. I just really don't want to live without alcohol. There I said it...even with the negative consequences. I want to have fun and enjoy my life. I just want to drink when I want to drink, stop all the posting and obsessing and just not worry about it. Like it used to be. I was so tired today. I watched tv for like 4 hours, ate popcorn and a sleeve of Oreos. What is wrong with me?
4/12/18 - (Thurs) My brain is really telling me to go ahead and drink this weekend. It's even trying to figure out how to make that happen without my kids knowing. When I drank that Margarita last weekend, my ds told my dd and she called and gave me shit. While sober I have told her to do this...that I don't need someone enabling me and telling me it will be ok and that I'm not that bad. I always feel really guilty when she finds out. Kind of bc it isn't her problem and I don't want her to spend energy worrying about her mom. That is the way I spent my childhood and it didn't serve me very well. Also, I feel guilty bc I just want to be the best person I can be and for her to be proud of me and I know that is not the case when I drink. Anyway...I am really battling the "I want to drink voice" calling to me for this weekend. I was so hyper today. Ready to sell my house and move. A million thoughts running through my head and I can't focus on anything. I think I have bipolar. Jeez!
4/13/18 (Fri) Just when I am pretty much sure I am going to drink this weekend, I get a picture in my Facebook feed from 4 years ago (that would be April 2014). We had gone to the mountains. The picture was of me and dh sitting at a ski resort drinking while the kids were skiing (on a Friday afternoon with the sun shining...perfect...). In the picture we look so happy and I was, at that moment...sitting in the sun at a fancy resort drinking a beer like I was so cool.
However, I continued to drink until we left to go to the hotel (a super nice hotel with a gondola that goes to the ski area, personal ski concierge, an outside pool facing the ski area and a spa). We usually can't afford this place but they were having a deal that weekend. Things were not as expected at the hotel (the pool was shut down for maintenance and the gondola was closed bc it was too late in the season), I was drunk, and I made a complete idiot out of myself. One of my most embarrassing moments that I can remember. One of the only times I have felt kind of black out, raging, out of control, tunnel vision, unaware of my behavior and that everyone was probably looking at me kind of drunk. My family was embarrassed.
Not a good memory but came at a good time. I needed the reminder of what happened four years ago and that it was four years ago and I am still dealing with this shit! Now I have decided I am not drinking this weekend. Such a stupid mental roller coaster.
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