Sunday, April 21, 2013

4/21/13 (Sun) What's the point of life?

I have been struggling for quite some time with finding the point of everything.  You get up, get ready, go to work, come home, make dinner, go to after day after day.  On the weekends...clean the house, do the laundry, go to the grocery store, pay the bills...week after week after week.  What is the point?  Is this all there is to life?

I really don't think anything was really that different when I was drinking except I got together with friends on Friday and Saturday nights and drank.  It just gave me something to look forward to.  They are all still drinking on the weekend and it is just wither too hard for me or I get bored with being around them.

I don't know if it is a mid life crisis, empty nest (my kids aren't gone but often are gone doing there own thing), pouting about not being able to drink, I don't know...I just know I am incredibly bored and starting to get seriously depressed.

I know alcohol isn't the answer, but I can't figure out what is.

BTW - I didn't drink last night.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Confused - 2 glasses of wine at dinner

So I had those two glasses of wine last weekend and decdided that I was only going to drink on special occassions, so that I don't make everyone else feel uncomfortable when they are around me.  I really did enjoy the wine but I don't know why.  Maybe just because it satisfied my craving.  It really didn't make me feel all that buzzed or happy or anything.  It did make me feel included, not different, adult-like, maybe sohpistcated (to be able to sit there at a nice restaraunt with a glass of wine as opposed to my stupid grapefruit selzter).

Boy did I feel it that night, though.  Hot flashes all night.  Did not sleep well, so was tired on Sunday.  I did noticed that that spacey feeling that I hadn't had in so long was back on Monday and Tuesday at work.  I don't know what my deal is with alcohol, but my body seems to have a bad reaction to it.

So, of course, the flood gates had been opened.  My "mental real estate" was once again being taken over by thoughts of alcohol - happy because I could go on vacation and have a drink...I could go out ot dinner and have a drink,...I could sit in the sun and have a drink.....I could finally enjoy my weeneds again.  Yeah!  I am happy again!  I just need to keep it under control.  It is all about moderations and control.

Friday night rolls around. I don't want to drink.  I want to do something.  Can't sit in the sun with my friends..will want to drink.  I could go to the mall with my daughter - she is going out with her boyfriend. I could do something with my son - he is going to the mountains with his cousin.  my husband is at work for 3 more hours.  It is 4:30 on a Friday and I am alone and BORED!  I know I will have a beer - in this smug sort of - I am an adult, I can do what I want, I am fine - attitude.  Without another thought, I was sitting on my couch with a beer.  Was this a special occasion?  Hell no!  I only had one but I still just sat there getting more and more tired.  So tired that all I ate for dinner was a bowl of cereal.  Then I went to bed - wow that was exciting!

I am really confused.  If I am drinking to fight boredom, it just made me more bored yesterday.  Why can I just not be a totally happy, at peace sober person?

What does alcohol do for me that makes it so hard to give up?

Sunday, April 14, 2013

4/14/13 (Sun) Drank- after 255 days sober

Well, I had been sober for 255 days yesterday.  The last time I posted I was my birthday in January.  Since then, things had been going pretty well, except my lack of energy.  I had been sober for 8 and a half months and I just could not seem to get my energy back.  I couldn't get to the gym, I couldn't get things checked of my to do list on the weekends...I just had no drive, no purpose, no energy at all.

With alcohol I was doing pretty good.  I even went to a couple of socials events, didn't drink and still had fun.  Everyone was so proud of my, and I was proud of myself, but just felt lifeless.

I have come to realize that it isn't necessarily the "buzz"  that I miss so much...i don't really miss feeling a little out of it and not 100% present which I have really enjoyed this last 255 days. It is the anticipation of the environment of the "buzz."  I used to live for the weekends.  I would look so forward to doing things and being social.  It almost gave me energy.  I know I was probably just looking forward to feeding my addiction, but I really have not missed that "buzzed" feeling.  I really do miss looking forward to something.  Everything just seems so boring and drab and lifeless.

I have been overall much happier with my own sense of well being these last few months, but have also sort of slipped into this depressed boredom.

Last night we went to dinner with my sister and her boyfriend.  We have all had our differences in the past and I was so looking forward to this "rekindling" of our relationship.  We got there and she was having a glass of red wine, and I found myself literally overcome with jealously and anxiety.  I couldn't even carry on a conversation.  It just hit me out of the blue.  I could tell they were uncomfortable with the fact that I wasn't drinking.  I was uncomfortable.  I so desperately don't want it to be like that.  I look around the really nice steak restaurant and see all the table enjoying a glass of wine and I suddenly get pissed off.  I want to have a glass of wine dammit!  I want to sit here, have a nice adult dinner with my sister and enjoy a glass of wine, dammit!  I couldn't even focus!  It was crazy!  Before you knew it, I had ordered and was enjoying a glass of red wine.

I don't know how I feel about it.  On the one hand I slept like crap...I had hot flashes all night. That hasn't happened in about 7 months so I know it was the alcohol and I am more tired than usual today.  I know that I feel much better when I don't drink, but I am not emotionally beating myself up.  i promised myself last night that I wouldn't do that if I chose to have a glass of wine.  I am a little disappointed that I didn't make it a year and am not sure if I will drink again.

On the other hand it I know that I can have a glass of wine once in a while, I sure am looking a lot more to summer and the vacations we have planned.

I am sorry to let you guys down, but "it is what it is" as they say and I always promised to keep it truthful in my blog.