So I had those two glasses of wine last weekend and decdided that I was only going to drink on special occassions, so that I don't make everyone else feel uncomfortable when they are around me. I really did enjoy the wine but I don't know why. Maybe just because it satisfied my craving. It really didn't make me feel all that buzzed or happy or anything. It did make me feel included, not different, adult-like, maybe sohpistcated (to be able to sit there at a nice restaraunt with a glass of wine as opposed to my stupid grapefruit selzter).
Boy did I feel it that night, though. Hot flashes all night. Did not sleep well, so was tired on Sunday. I did noticed that that spacey feeling that I hadn't had in so long was back on Monday and Tuesday at work. I don't know what my deal is with alcohol, but my body seems to have a bad reaction to it.
So, of course, the flood gates had been opened. My "mental real estate" was once again being taken over by thoughts of alcohol - happy because I could go on vacation and have a drink...I could go out ot dinner and have a drink,...I could sit in the sun and have a drink.....I could finally enjoy my weeneds again. Yeah! I am happy again! I just need to keep it under control. It is all about moderations and control.
Friday night rolls around. I don't want to drink. I want to do something. Can't sit in the sun with my friends..will want to drink. I could go to the mall with my daughter - she is going out with her boyfriend. I could do something with my son - he is going to the mountains with his cousin. my husband is at work for 3 more hours. It is 4:30 on a Friday and I am alone and BORED! I know I will have a beer - in this smug sort of - I am an adult, I can do what I want, I am fine - attitude. Without another thought, I was sitting on my couch with a beer. Was this a special occasion? Hell no! I only had one but I still just sat there getting more and more tired. So tired that all I ate for dinner was a bowl of cereal. Then I went to bed - wow that was exciting!
I am really confused. If I am drinking to fight boredom, it just made me more bored yesterday. Why can I just not be a totally happy, at peace sober person?
What does alcohol do for me that makes it so hard to give up?
I still have those thoughts of "maybe someday I'll let myself drink on special occasions," dancing through my head but I know myself and my drinking well enough, after 30+ years I should say so, to know that pretty soon every day will be a special occasion.
ReplyDeleteI think you're still dancing with the myth of booze, k. In your mind, you still believe booze is giving you something, when it isn't and it hasn't for a long time. I still have those times in anticipation of an event I think, "This would be a lot more fun if I was drinking," or "This would be a lot easier to tolerate if I was drinking." but when I'm actually at the event, in the middle of it, I don't miss drinking at all, I don't even think about it. It's always before, and that's getting less and less.
Last night I was sitting with a couple and they were talking about their last roadtrip and all the bars they stopped in and how drunk they got and I felt really wistful. But as they were telling me these stories, he was eating cupcakes and drinking milk and she was drinking water. I've spent all week with this couple and I've seen her have one beer. Drinking is not an every day experience for them, it is a "special occasion" for them. I wish I were them, but I'm not.
Hey Miss, come back... we're still listening
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