Tuesday, May 30, 2017

5/31/17 (Tues) - How I feel in relation to how much I drink

Drinking in excess (having hangovers) - I feel terrible, completely derailed
Drinking too much but not enough to have a hangover - I feel lethargic, unmotivated
Drinking some but moderating well - I feel good, somewhat motivated
Not drinking at all - I feel great

The difference between successfully moderating and not drinking at all is becoming apparent the more non drinking days I have under my belt.  It is a difference between feeling good and feeling great.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

5/24/27 (Wed) Addiction is so weird

It is so weird to me that what is making me the most sick, is what I crave.  Last night after a horrible hangover this weekend that I still hadn't fully recovered from. Even though my stomach hurt, I was exhausted, bloated, depressed....the thought came into my head to just sit down and have a beer probably to forget how bad I was feeling.  How dumb it that?  Alcohol is what was making me sick but the thought came into my mind to use it to make me feel better.  It completely dumbfounds me how my brain can work that way. I wonder if it is like a heroine user who has to have their fix to feel better. They have to get that drug into their body bc they are so addicted to it.  They physically and mentally won't feel better until their drug has been reintroduced to their system. I watch Intervention and I just don't understand how they can't see how stupid it is. Am I doing the same thing? The only difference is that alcohol is a legal, advertised, socially accepted, almost expected, romanticized drug.
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Tuesday, May 23, 2017

5/22/17 (Mon) Dear addicted me

I really, really, really want to stay sober for 356 days. When those craving hit, I need to be able to ride them out and get through them.  When they hit, I am going to read this letter to myself to try to help ride them out.

Dear addicted me,

Remember how desperately badly you want to get off this roller coaster ride of alcohol induced high highs and alcohol caused low lows.  That will NEVER happen if you drink today.  If you drink today....nothing changes....nothing will EVER change. Even if you don't drink too much today and don't experience the debilitating suffering and self hate that comes with a hangover tomorrow, you will remain in your depressed, exhausted, anxious, obsessed, judgmental, oversensitive, grouchy, irritable, unmotivated, out of shape, overweight, loud, sarcastic, unhappy, disappointed. inpatient, stressed, selfish, trapped state of mind.

Remember you have tried and tried and tried and tried to control, manage, manipulate, rationalize, excuse, minimize, analyze your weekend binge drinking and you always, always, always eventually over do it. Maybe not today or next week but probably within the next month at most you will be right back where you were on May 21 (after drinking 15 drinks in 2 days) - on vacation, in bed, nauseous, stomach cramps, unable to get out of bed and enjoy your stay, your family, your trip - beating yourself up once again for your inability to control how much you drink. This is not the person you want to be.

Remember the quiet, calm, gentle, strong, rested, balanced, in shape, thin, confident, kind, peaceful, accepting, patient, nonjudgmental, flexible, happy person you know you can become. She is in there. Give her a chance.  It is time. Give it time. Give it 365 days. What can it hurt?

Remember the role model you want to be for your family. How you want to show them that you can do this and be happy. That there is another way to live and you found it. That you are strong enough to do this and live a happy, sober life. Remember the quiet, unassuming, non judgmental, beacon of light you want to be for all of our friends and family who drink too much. How you want to show them through example (not talking) that it is possible to find happiness without pouring alcohol down your throat.

Remember that you really, really, really want to be free from the mental, emotional, physical grip that this stupid drug has on you which will not happen if you drink today. Nothing will ever change if nothing changes.  If you drink today...nothing changes so nothing will change. You will never be able to control what alcohol does to your brain.

You can get through this day without drinking. The craving will pass.  Do something else - take a walk, read a book, eat something, watch stupid reality tv, take a nap, work out, anything besides drinking for the next 30 minutes.  It will pass - you know this - you quit drinking for 9 months and were a much happier version of yourself. You do not need alcohol to be happy. You do not need alcohol right in this moment to be happy. It is an illusion of happiness. It might relax you, make yo less uncomfortable around others, relieve your boredom, quiet those screaming voices in your head demanding alcohol...but it will not make you happy.

You deserve this...give it a chance...believe all of those people who keep reminding you that life is better without this stupid drug addiction.

It is time...it is my time to become the person you know you can be. Do this for yourself. Love yourself enough to do this for you...not for anyone else...for you. Give yourself this gift. Just be patient and give it a chance.

It is your choice...drink and remain in this miserable place or don't drink and try something different.  It is only your fault if you drink - not the month, the time of year, the ending of a school year, the day of the week, the vacation, the party,  the sun, the friends, the neighbors, the traditions, what others think or say or feel - it is up to you to choose to stay in this prison and only you can choose to free yourself from it.

Please, please,  please, please do not drink today,  You will feel so much better tomorrow. You can do this. You are strong enough, you are good enough, you deserve it.

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Friday, May 19, 2017

5/19/17 (Fri) Chasing the buzz

Last night I think I truly understood this phrase.  I has a glass of wine...that wasn't doing it....had another...still wasn't working...was getting grumpy and tired....had my favorite IPA beer next...all of a sudden I got the buzz I had been chasing and I heard my voice inside my head say, "There you are...that's better." Then I had another.  It was kind of weird to hear myself say that to myself. Almost like I needed it. I needed to feel that buzz to have a good time. I really did feel like I was chasing something that I couldn't quite catch, and when I caught it it was such a relief - my whole insides just relaxed and I could hear myself say, "Yup, this is it. This is why I drink. This feels good." It was a little like an out of body experience.  If that's not addiction, I don't know what is.

That's a little scary...maybe a lot scary...

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

5/16/17 (Tues) Obsessed with alcohol

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I think I have kind of an OCD obsession with thinking about alcohol.  It takes up a majority of my brain space. I am either thinking about not drinking (researching, planning, reading, worrying, dealing wit fear of failure/boredom/unhappiness,  blogging), thinking about drinking (planning, when, where, how much, what kind, how to moderate, excitement of anticipation - kind of this hyper giddy feeling), drinking (hypo mania/socially hyper or zoning/checking out) or recovering from drinking (exhausted, irritable, anxious, depressed).

It is definitely interfering with my ability to be a productive person and get things done. I usually only drink on the weekends but I think about it, obsess over it, analyze it EVERY SINGLE DAY!  It's actually kind of ridiculous.  I feel trapped in this mental prison. I know the only way to unlock the door to free myself is abstinence. Even successful moderation will not take away the mental obsession.  I have reached a mental point where it is the only option. I truly do not believe I am physically addicted. Yes, my neurotransmitters have been damaged enough to be depressed, anxious, worried obsessive about it - maybe that really is a kind of physical addiction - my brain is a physical part of my body. And actually I do have horrendous hangovers (heart palpitations, insomnia, anxiety, exhaustion) for days after even just 4 drinks - so maybe that is also a form of physical addiction. I mean I don't drink most days of the week and I don't get the shakes or hallucinations. Who knows if I am physically addicted.

I am 100% sure I am mentally addicted/obsessed with all of it.I know that my obsession does cause anxiety which does lead me to compulsive/binge drinking which gives me relief in the moment which then causes more anxiety which feeds the obsession.

So why can't I make that final decision to stop and stick with it?

Sunday, May 14, 2017

5/14/17 (Sun) Mother's Day

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I was going back in my posts to previous Mays.  I ran across one post in May 2012

Today is Saturday of Memorial Day weekend, traditionally a pretty heavy drinking weekend - warm weather, 3 day weekend, school is almost out - YEAH!!!  So last night I had one beer in the sun - the whole reason I chose to start drinking again.  It was nice, but I felt a little guilty bc one of my neighbors who knew I quit drinking saw me drinking.  We went inside and my neighbor, yes that neighbor, asked if I wanted a glass of wine.  I said, "Sure, why not."  I only had one but it was probably more than one bc she uses fish bowls for wine glasses.  Then dh was starving so we went to dinner and I had one more beer.  We called it an early evening at 10:30 and I came home.  Not an epic failure, I never really felt too drunk, but today I am completely wiped out!  I am starting to wonder if my body can handle any type of alcohol consumption at all any more.  That amount of alcohol in the past would not have even fazed me!

So, 5 years later I am still out of shape, struggling, wondering if I can drink normally, successfully moderate, or quit for good and still be happy. Alcohol, 5 years later, is still my #1 obsession.  I know now, without a doubt, my body does not like to have alcohol put in it. I guess I need to decide if I am going to spend the next 5 years doing the same thing.  I know in my heart that if I don't just quit drinking and see if it makes me happy, I will be in this same spot 5 years from now.  I know this without any doubt at all.  Even if I can control my drinking for awhile, I always end up drinking to much (which anymore is just like 5 drinks), having a hangover, beating myself up, allowing myself the next week to recover which means not working out or being motivated in any other area of my life.  And then just doing the same thing the next weekend. Even if I only have that 5 nighter once a month, it still affects me the other three weeks of the month - physical, mentally, emotionally. 

I really want, on this last Mother's Day of my 40s, to give myself a gift - the gift of sobriety - the gift of figuring out who I am and what I want without alcohol in my life. To be good to myself, to care about myself, to put myself first in this area, to cherish my own life, happiness and sense of peace. To be strong enough to be able to do this. To believe all of you who tell me it is better. To be able to weather the cravings and the social situations and the summer vacations and other's judgement and my own judgement and the drama and negativity and self doubt and sensitivity - all without alcohol making me feel terrible about myself.  I want to eat better, sleep better, work out, take care of myself and be truly happy inside my own self.  I want to be at peace inside my own brain. 

I want to wake up smiling and joyful and well rested and ready to take on the day.  I want to spend my days productive and positive and unselfish and joyful I want to end the day peaceful with the feeling of accomplishment and proud of myself and grateful.

The thing stopping me is fear - fear of failure, fear of difficulty, fear of struggle, fear of boredom, fear of judgement, fear of feeling left out, fear of not being happy without it, fear of being different, fear of making others feel uncomfortable, fear of having to deal with difficult family situations without it, fear of not being fun anymore, fear of vacations sucking, fear of not enjoying sitting in the sun in the spring on a Friday after work, fear of never looking forward to the weekend, fear of never having a nice glass of wine with dinner again, fear of never going to breweries with my friends again, fear of never having fun anymore, fear of never feeling that buzzed, relaxed, social, having fun feeling again, fear of the sadness of loss or it in my life, fear of failure.

I now I need to do this, I know I want to do this, to give myself this gift on Mother's day but I am so scared.........I am so scared to once again make that commitment that I know I will fail.  I always fail. I know deep down that I can do this I am just so scared to try, to give it a chance. It gives me anxiety to think about it.  

I guess it is up to me - spend the next five years the same as the last five or be brave and try something different.

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Saturday, May 13, 2017

5/13/17 (Sat) Tired

I am so tired. I am actually socially exhausted.  I am starting to realize that the bopping around talking to everyone (had a neighborhood graduation party to attend last night) with  alcohol induced hyperness is exhausting. Maybe I am not as social as I think I am because it is draining me. I am really just sick of talking to anyone about anything. When I am socially hyper because of alcohol I can feel how my brain is just going a mile a minute, not slowing down, talking to anyone about anything as quickly and loudly as possible.  It hurts my brain to think about it.  It is certainly not a calm, relaxed, in control feeling. Last night I actually had the thought, while drinking, the only reason I am still here is so I can keep drinking. THE ONLY REASON. It't exhausting.

 I do not have a hangover today but just feel blah, tired, out of shape, unmotivated, a bit depressed. I didn't sleep well. I know how much better I would feel by not drinking.....I just need to do it.

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I have got to find something else to plug into other than alcohol which gives me energy for maybe 10 hours on the weekend but zaps it the other 158 hours of the week.

Friday, May 12, 2017

5/12/17 (Fri) Parentless

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It is a hard thing to come to the realization that you never really had any loving parents growing up and still don't.  I KNOW my dad loved me, he just loved drinking more.  He was a pretty severe alcoholic and died a few years ago just when we were starting to reconnect.  It was heartbreaking. I KNOW my mother loves me but has always been too consumed her own life (being married to an alcoholic, trying to raise three young girls on her own, getting remarried and acting like it was finally "her time" even though we were only 12, 10 and 8 years old, now being completely codependent on all of my sister's difficulties and her husband's Alzheimers.  I understand a lot of that and don't blamer her.  I really do think she was doing the best she could at the time. I don't think she was raised with very much love and compassion.  She is from a Russian family who settled in Kansas on a farm when my grandfather was a child.  I remember my grandfather (whom she was closer to than her mother) being very grumpy, staunch and hardly ever smiling and laughing. Certainly not loving. My grandmother was loving but not overly and not enough to overshadow the serious, hardworking, old school feeling of the farm.  When my mother's family moved to the city, she changed high schools and from what I understand was pretty popular - on the cheer team, etc. Maybe she was a mean girl in high school like my sister. My sister never had to be wrong in high school or college. She was the popular girl all boys wanted to date and all girls wanted to hang out with.  She was so mean. She would say the cruelest things - making fun of overweight people, peoples, clothes, hair, acne, mental disabilities - just to get a laugh from her friends.  No doubt she is quick witted and I could see why others laughed but it was so mean spirited and may times directed at me throughout my whole childhood.  Maybe my mom was like that. Maybe that is why they "understand" each other.  Once my sister grew up, she still has always thought she is the shit - fake boobs, botox, fake eyelashes, fancy cars, etc. But now she is a divorced mother of 2 special needs kids who was living her life in questionable way.  I don't think she can handle that her image is broken, that everyone can see the real her, that she does't have this perfect, rich, fabulous life that she always made fun of me for not having.  My mom can not just be thankful for what she has and be happy.  She is always the first one to point out the "it could be worse", but she doesn't live by it herself. It is really actually pretty sad. Neither one of them are truly happy with the way their life turned out but can't see that not only did they cause a lot of it, but it is all in your perspective. Everyone has their own shit to deal with.  It is how you choose to look at it that determines your happiness.  It all comes from the inside, not externally.  They do not see that.  It is always everyone's else's fault. I am trying to break that cycle with the way I handle things and the relationship I have with my children.  I do struggle in certain areas (especially my weekend drinking) and am always trying to do better, but my children know how much I love them and think I am a nice person....so at least that is an improvement.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

5/11/17 (Thurs) Emotional detachment

Thank you so much Anne and Wendy!!! I just looked up loving detachment and narcissistic parents. OMG! I feel like I am reading about my own life.  I am going to continue to look into this as it seems something that could be good for me. This could be my answer to dealing with both my sister and my mother who are exactly the same and have taken advantage of me for years.

Here are just two quotes I found that speak to me:

"the best way to deal with a dysfunctional parent is how you would deal with a neighbor's barking dog. First, put up a fence to keep it from trespassing and crapping on your property. This also keeps it from biting you. You might try being nice to it, but you choose how much energy to put into that before ignoring the dog becomes your best option. On the one hand, your mother built the bed you can now make her lie in. On the other hand, most dysfunctional people had their dysfunctions abused into them. Compassion for her is not unjustified, but martyrdom is. Give your mother the time, support and affection you can afford, and take control of how you react to how she reacts. Reward good behavior, ignore counterattack after protecting yourself. Find the tools to support yourself. Do your best and let that be good enough." 

"That was a turning point for me where I was able to disengage from her on an emotional basis. This is not the same as divorcing her but it protects you from being hurt because you can now love yourself and accept yourself. Disengaging emotionally from her means you no longer need her to love you. When you reach that point, dealing with her is so much easier. You will have to stand up for yourself, set boundaries and stick to it. I also hold her accountable for the things she says and does. She does not hurt me anymore because I have no emotional attachment, I only do what I have to do to provide for her care and see that she can be independent. It takes practice doing this but it works."

5/10/17 (Wed) My responsibility

I am not without insight as to the baggage I bring to family problems...but at least I realize and admit I hold some responsibly and have really been working on it them over the years.

I have been way too sensitive.
My constant need for approval has made me take things the wrong way and make everything about me in terms of always thinking that someone's mood, actions or comments are in direct relationship to something they think about me.  When I read The Five Agreements I understood that this is a very selfish and self sabotaging way to look at the world. Most of the time the way people act has nothing to do with me and by thinking it does, I am creating problems and drama where there wasn't any before. I try to remind myself that what other people think of me is not my business.  All I can do is try to be the best person I can be. If they have a problem with me they can tell me about it or I am not going to worry about it.  I am still super sensitive to mean people though.  I can't stand sarcasm or hurtful jokes - probably because I was the butt of these jokes at the hands of my youngest sister most of my childhood and teenage years. I believe sarcasm is mean spirited and is actually the truth disguised as a joke.

I have been way too controlling and inflexible.
I am very good at planning and organizing and when things don't go exactly as planned, I have gotten really upset.  This isn't so much true at work but definitely true especially during family vacations that included my sisters and my mother.  I wanted to create this tradition for my kids of going on one family vacatio n a year with all the aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins. I planned it for months, trying to find the perfect mountain town, the perfect house, the perfect schedule. More often than not, the trip turned out to be a disaster. Someone was grumpy, someone was fighting, most of us were drinking too much.  I had a really hard time letting go of the idea of that trip and continued planning it for around 10 years.  Finally, my kids were older and my sister's kids were younger so I told them I was done. If they wanted to continue the trips, they had to plan it. Needless to say, the family vacations have stopped.

I can be too distracted in my own head
I live in this person torture chamber inside my own head. In fact it is the wee hours of the morning right now and I am up because I can't sleep.  I worry about everything. I have a constant small amount of anxiety. I feel stressed a lot of the time. I have spent too many weekend in days in bed recovering from a hangover. I have put alcohol before my family in terms of being overly concerned with who I am going to drink with during the weekend.  I am a good mom.  No one will ever tell me otherwise, but I could have been even better without weekend partying and hangover recovering. I just get so obsessed with things - usually drinking - but it can be other things like career choices, vacation, planning, vacuum purchasing, etc. Many times this is a major distraction keeping me from doing what I should be doing (I should be working out right now) and then adds to my anxiety.  I think this might make it hard to love with me sometimes.

I can be judgmental
This one I need to clarify. I am not judgmental of other peoples opinions or thoughts or of them in general. I am a very compassionate, empathetic, accepting, caring person. I always try to see others' perspectives except when it is about or towards me.  I have had a really hard time accepting that when in a conflict with me, other's many not see a situation or a conversation or even the world the same as me.  I have spent way too much time talking - trying to get other people (this really only applies to family - not coworkers or friends) to see my side in a conflict, to justify how I am right and the other person is wrong.  I will just talk things into the ground until my sister or mom finally see it my way.  The sister that is not talking to me once said, "Everyone doesn't see things the same way as you."  I thought a lot about that statement. It really is true. She sees it her way. I see it my way and if we can't meet somewhere in the middle, it will never get any better.  In the past I have fought like hell to get them to come all the way over to my side of a conflict and then I just give up and give in so that everyone can just get along.  In the meantime, I am allowing everyone to treat me like crap because they know how much it affects me ( I will cry/text that I then delete for days or weeks over a family conflict - completely obsessed) and that I will eventually give in.

At least I have some insight about my shortcomings and am working on them.  These are really hard things to change because in doing so I sometimes feel like I am becoming a cold hearted bitch. That proverbial 50 year old (not quite but almost) that has the attitude - be nice to me or don't talk to me. I am done putting up with other people's crap.  I get a lot of family puch bask. My mother is losing her mind over the fact that I won't fix the problem and tells me I don't even care because I chose not to talk to her about it any longer. My sister has completely shut me out because I won't come crawling back begging her to talk. She can usually wait me out. I have my own sense of guilt over not making things right - even though they weren't my fault this time. These are really hard habits of behavior to break. But at least I am trying.  My mom and my sister don't have any insight into what they are dong to make the situation worse.  My mom is irreparably ruining what little relationship she has with me over a conflict that has nothing to do with her.  She would say, "It has everything to do with me! It is tearing me apart! No one cares about our family or the how much this hurts me! I guess I will just go to my grave with a broken family! I don't even have a family any more." Those are all direct quotes.

This is sad to say, but one of my biggest goals in life is to not be my mother, and to not have my daughter say that about me.  I have an amazing relationship with my 23 yo dd and 18 yo ds.  I have loved them unconditionally and have always been compassionate, protective, attentive, supportive and positive with them.  Sometimes, I see a bit of my mother come out of me in terms of guilt tripping them and being a little passive/aggressive but I try really hard to recognize it and change my behavior.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

5/9/17 (Tues) A reason, a season, a lifetime

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My middle sister (the one that is speaking to me) uses this phrase all the time in regards to people coming in and out of her life....even family.  Is used to think she was so cold hearted.  How could she just write off family members and say that she doesn't need that in her life.  I have worked so hard my whole life to make sure everything was ok in my extended family of one mother and two sisters.  I had this picture perfect idea in my head kind of like some big Italian family that may fight and yell and scream sometimes but then everything is out in the open and the all still loved each other and got together all the time and had fun.  First of all, we are not Italian. Second, my family is far too passive/ aggressive and reserved for that. My youngest sister never truly says how she feels. She says she never gets mad, but she most certainly does. Then she just treats you like crap until you finally say something (weeks or months after whatever you did to make her mad) and she acts like you are the one with the problem and she is, "sorry you feel that way." If you really make her mad, she doesn't speak to you for months or years and then just talks to my mom about it, making sure she looks good like she didn't do anything.

My middle sister really will say how she feels (probably the only one) but does not forgive easily.  If she is mad at you, you certainly know it and why but she is mad for a long time.  She just writes your off. I appreciate her honesty but don;t make her mad.

My mom is the perfect image of a martyr. She so desperately wants to me the matriarch of the family but to get that king of respect you need to act in a way that deserves it. She thinks she is just owed that amount of love and respect, when she has NEVER been the caring, nurturing, protective, positive mother that I have needed. She constantly complains about how hard her life is and how nobody calls her or cares about her. When I do call her, all I get it negativity and complaining, but  I am not allowed to complain about anything. If I ever do, she blows right over and talks about how something in her life is worse or how bad other people have it that I don't even know. If she does acknowledge my bad day or whatever, she just points out something like - at least you only have 2 more weeks until summer break. She never really just hears me and listens and sympathies with me. She never has. Even as a young child, when I was sick, I would call her at work and tell her I didn't feel good. She would say, "Are you going to miss school? I can't come home from work?". Never any caring in a way I needed. She of course thinks she is this perfect mother who is just so mistreated by her family. Plus, she expects me to fix everything in the family and just rides my ass with guilt in a crying, feel sorry for me kind of way until I make everything right even if it wasn;t my fault.  It is all so much drama and so ridiculous.

to be cont......gotta go to work

Monday, May 8, 2017

5/9/17 (Mon) Disastrous Saturday

Keeping true to my promise, I will post even though I don't want to.  I have drank the last 2 weekends.  This last Saturday I had my family over for dinner....if you have been following my blog for awhile you know these can be a little tricky to navigate.  One of my sisters if still not talking to me and my other sister (for around a year and a half) for reasons that we are unaware of.  She just got super pissed and shut everyone out.  I have no idea (I swear I don't) what caused her to act this way.  I suspect part of it is that we found out some things about her she didn't want anyone to know about and now it is easier for her to distance herself by shutting us out and making it our fault.  I have spent my whole life, trying to make things right and keep tings together in this family - apologizing first, forgiving and forgetting, doing things for my mom to make things better, always taking the responsibility to make sure everyone is ok and not fighting.  Not his time...I didn't do anything wrong this time. For once, it is going to need to be in my sister's hands to make this right.  For once in our lives, she needs to call me and tell me she misses me and she wants me in her life and she is sorry for being such a bitch to my whole family.  Just this once...

My mom can't handle it. First off, she has always favored my sister (the youngest of three girls).  I don't think she loves her more but my sister sure as shit can get away with more because she has not ever been the doormat that I have been.   My mom is used to it with her - walks around on eggshells, worried she will make her mad and shut her out as well. My sister's response has always bee, "I'm sorry you feel that way" when discussing a conflict. She never takes accountability for the part she plays.  If you want her in your life, you have to be ok with that, or she just shuts you out. It is not a give and take relationship. My mom knows that and therefore treats her with kid gloves. My mom thinks she can say whatever she wants to me and I will not only take it, that I will feel guilty so that I will make thinks right with whoever is fighting at the time. And she is right. She guilt me into it because I feel bad for her. Not this time...  For once in my life...not this time....

My sister's son got super sick and OMG! I knew that my sister and therefore my mother would use it as a excuse to try to make me look like a horrible person.  My mom told both me and my daughter that none of of care out my nephew and that we have no family - as the rest of us are at my house to celebrate her birthday!  This made my daughter cry and I lost it. Are you kidding me! I invite you over to celebrate you and you (not once, not twice, but three times) bring up how nobody cares about her or her feeling and that if my sister came over at least it would be the start to having a family!  What are we? Nothing? Nobody? And don't you dare tell me I don't care about my nephew!!!  How about my sister is too selfish to even call me so that her son has his family, who loves him, around!

I had not been drinking when this happened the first time. But I sure as shit did after that.  She just stressed me out so much that my response was to grab a beer and another and another.

I am not sorry about what happened with my mother.  For once in my life - I will stick up for myself, and I will not allow her or my sister to treat me or my family that way. I did nothing wrong and this is not mine to fix....go make someone else feel guilty!

What I do feel bad about is using alcohol to medicate myself during an extremely stressful afternoon and evening. And of course I paid the price with my own self induced guilt ridden, crappy feeling Sunday.

I just don;t know what will happen with my family and it is scary and sad but I do know I need to find a different way to deal with it.