Monday, February 13, 2017

2/13/17 (Mon) - Scratch that - very disappointed

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Had a very productive day yesterday and then proceeded to drink 4 hard seltzers while cooking dinner.  Very disappointed in myself.

I wonder why my drinking creeps up on my when I am feeling good.  You would think that if I were feeling positive about sobriety and/or not drinking too much over the weekend, it would encourage me to stay the course. Instead I drink bc I feel good about not drinking. It doesn't make sense.

I know this happened with my dad, which is why I went to 7 different elementary schools.  We would move for a fresh start, he would do really well for awhile, then he would drink, lose his teaching job and we would have to move again.  I could never understand why he would go back to drinking when things were going so well.

It is almost like the addiction does not allow you to see that things are going well BECAUSE you are not drinking not in spite of it. And it gives you this false sense of confidence that you can try to drink moderately again. Man - alcohol sure does mess your mind is a bizarre thing.

Still striving for sobriety...

Sunday, February 12, 2017

2/12/17 (Sun) - Better than last weekend - will continue to post and work on my goals

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I drank Friday night.  Not much - 2 glasses of wine and 2 hard seltzers.  I did not have a hangover, did not drink last night (didn't even want to) and felt fine this weekend - no hangovers.

I struggle with posting when I am drinking.  I usually just stop posting for a couple months. Things slowly get bad over a few months and then I come crawling back, completely defeated, and try again. I just don't want to. I don't know if it is because I am kind of ashamed and feel guilty that I am not keeping my sober goals or if it is because I just would rather not analyze it, think about it, or blog about it when I am drinking.  I know that if I am not blogging about it, reading about it, thinking about it I will progressively, slowly get worse.  I want to be 100% sober and I know that will not happen if I bury my head in the sand, look the other way and ignore it. I used to think that I was giving myself the obsession - it was just my latest selfish preoccupation and that if I just stopped thinking I had a problem then the problem would go away and I could successfully drink moderately - like everyone else.  I have finally learned that I do have a problem and I can't pretend I don't or dismiss it as being all in my head (as in making a big deal out of nothing which then becomes a big deal).

This is a big deal and I know deep down in my heart that I want to be the inspirational, peaceful, patient, content, truly happy sober woman that I know I can be.  I know that. I know I ultimately want that more than being able to successfully moderate - partly because I am not sure I can successfully moderate over time and partly because I feel better and am better when I am sober.

So...I will continue to post no matter what the weekend was like. And I will continue to analyze and read and think and try.  I am not going to give up this time.  I will get there.  It is just up to me how long it will take....

Monday, February 6, 2017

2/6/17 (Sun) - Drank this weekend but craving sobriety

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I did drink both Friday and Saturday nights this weekend.  I don't know why. I just figured January was over so why not.  I did moderate and didn't have much of a hangover either day.  I did not drink at a Super Bowl party yesterday even though most people there were drinking quite a bit and getting pretty rowdy.  I did not have a hangover yesterday and I still just didn't feel like drinking. I didn't even crave it.  I was worried I might, but I didn't. I didn't even have a problem telling people that I wasn't drinking when they asked.  I just didn't care what they thought (which truth be told - they could care less). It just felt good, right, comfortable to say, "I'm not drinking because I just feel so much better when I don't."

Even though this would have been a successful weekend in the past and I would have been proud of myself this Monday morning, I just still don't think I want to drink anymore. I am more tired today than I have been on any other Monday morning in January bc I didn't sleep well bc of drinking.  I also just get so hyper when drinking that I feel like I used up a lot of energy this weekend (coupled with lack of good sleep) that leaves me just feeling a bit depleted and drained today.  I am definitely becoming more and more aware of the impact alcohol has on my physically (tired, low motivation) and mentally (a little down, loss of joy) even when I am able to successfully moderate. In the past I have judged my success by the lack of a hangover.  No hangover - success.  Now it is more about - feel good - success.  I don't think I feel good when I drink even a small amount of alcohol.

I feel like I am getting to a place where even successfully moderating doesn't even sound appealing- like that jealousy of people that moderate - that desire to successfully moderate - that pissed off feeling that I can't - doesn't even appeal to me any more. I can honestly say that I think sobriety is becoming more of something I crave rather than successfully moderating - and I am saying this without a hangover.

I don't think I have ever said that I crave sobriety before - getting closer and closer to the prize! 100% peaceful, joyful, energetic sobriety :)