Sunday, July 12, 2020

7/12/20 - Emotional Hangover

There is a little bit of new drama in my life I am working through right now. I have two sisters. We have always been super close or fighting. Rarely have all three of us been in a good place with each other at the same time. A few years ago we found out some things about one of my sisters that caused a huge divide in our family. She chose to move to another state and not talk to any of us for years. I developed a pretty good relationship with my other sister during this time. It wasn't perfect as we are very different but we weren't fighting. We had grown a bit apart over the past couple of years bc I was no longer drinking. I think drinking gave us common ground as we are both pretty different. When we were drinking we could look past that little bit of comfortableness that was there when we were hanging out. Anyways, we were good.  There are six cousins involved and my children were sad that they couldn't have a relationship with the two cousins that had moved so I decided, after four years, to reach out to the estranged sister so that they could see each other. No one else was going to do it. It was pretty hard. We had some very difficult conversations where we were both honest about our feelings. We each apologized for what we thought we should and agreed to let the rest go. This sister and I are much more alike and I really did miss her and her kids. I am so glad we have a relationship again and she doesn't drink that's a plus.

The conflict between my sisters is pretty deep and goes probably 30 years back. I don't know if they will ever be able to work things out. They can both be pretty stubborn. The problem is that the sister I have had a relationship with for the past four years now won't talk to me bc I made up with our other sister. She feels completely betrayed by me. She feels, "How could you make up with her after everything she has done to me. You turned your back on me and my kids. If you have a relationship with her, you can not have one with me." While I completely understand that I hurt her with my decision I do not regret it. I did what I felt was best for the kids and frankly for myself. I was sick of the conflict and drama. I just wanted to get along with everyone. If they had their conflict and chose to never makeup, that was their choice, but I chose to be happy, peaceful, not angry or resentful, and have a relationship with everyone in my family. I don't understand why she can't see that and still choose to have a relationship with me. We had a long conversation via text, as she won't speak to me in person, Friday night and yesterday morning. I have practically begged for her forgiveness and taken responsibility for hurting her but tried to make her see that she can choose to forgive me and have a relationship with me. She just won't do it. She says she has "made peace" with her decision and that she now needs to protect her family. I really don't understand that. Protect them from what?

I tried and tried and tried and cried but she isn't going to change her mind. I am heartbroken. I now have to come to terms with the fact that while I have a relationship with one of my sisters, I now do not have one with the other. It sucks! I don't understand why it has to be this way. Why can't I have a relationship with everyone? I talked to my daughter, son, and husband about it and I asked the question, "If I had to pick, who would I chose?" They said, "You chose the one that doesn't make you chose." I think that makes a lot of sense. I feel it is pretty selfish of her to stop speaking to me just bc of the decision I made. And she blames me for causing drama...I don't think so. I feel like she is being a little selfish and immature.

So today I woke up sad, confused, exhausted, headachy, and pretty numb. I don't know what else I can do. I will not choose. I chose both of my sisters. If she ever chooses to have me back in her life I will absolutely be happy about that with no hard feelings about some of the things she has said to me. I have to come to terms with the fact that she has to make that decision and that she maybe never will. I may never have a relationship with her again which is incredibly painful, but I can't do anything about it. I am a fixer but I can't fix this. The only way to fix it with her is to stop speaking to my other sister and in my heart that fixes nothing bc then I am still not in a relationship with one of them. It is only fixed for me if I have a relationship with both of them. I need to come to terms with the fact that I can't fix this and let it be. Hopefully she will change her mind in the future.

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