6/24/20 - Struggling a bit...blah...

I am struggling a bit with a lack of motivation, no inspiration, and some depression. I have gotten myself in a terrible habit of not doing anything productive during the day. I feel like I am just floundering. I don't know if it is because we have no vacations planned... I really look forward to going somewhere every summer. I don't know if it is because I really miss my daughter and don't know if I will see her before September.  I don't know if it is because I have been at home since March with very little human contact other than family. On top of that, I have one sister that isn't even speaking to me and has actually said some pretty hurtful things because I made amends with my other sister which is bothering me. I am so tired of all the drama...family drama, political drama, societal drama, this damned virus. Even though I am incredibly sick of it, I find myself becoming addicted to the news and tv in general. I find myself on a screen constantly either to check my news feed, to watch stupid tv, to mindlessly scroll through social media (which always makes me feel inadequate) or shopping, researching, and analyzing something on the internet. More times than not, I also then find myself eating crappy food while doing so.  And then I can't sleep which just makes me more tired the next day. I feel just a lack of joy for life. I have all these big plans to change and get myself in shape and finish projects, but the days just seem to pass and I do nothing but sit. I don't know how to get myself out of this lackluster spot. 

I think what I need to do is not "think" my way out of it but "do" my way out of it.  This is what finally allowed me to stop drinking. I went to therapy and IOP...even if I didn't feel like I wanted to. I need to get up and work out, do my projects, get stuff done...even if I don't feel like it. 

I just feel so blah. I need to shake this feeling because it is getting really depressing.