Well this weekend didn't go that great. First off, I did not have a hangover and that is my true measure of progress. but ..... my numbers were not great.
I am feeling a little bit if that "bury it and move on" feeling. Like I just don't want to look at it, talk about it, feel it, examine it, SEE it. I just want to forget about it and do better next weekend. But ..... that is not how I am going to get better. I promised myself I would no longer be in denial and really look at how I am doing so......
Wednesday - had 1 beer .... wasn't even going to admit that. I don't know why. It just sounded good, I was cooking, the thought popped into my mind and before even letting myself think about it, I had one open. Broke a rule - no drinking on weekdays.
Friday - had 2 - not that big of a deal, but I am starting to get that "It's Friday! Let's have a beer!" feeling again early in the afternoon. That's concerning. I bought my first bottle of wine since before Christmas for my friend who just went through something pretty tough with her daughter. I think that might have just been an excuse. I could have just bought her beer. Had one glass of wine with dinner.
Saturday - Had one beer early evening by myself - another rule broken. Kind of like pre drinking since I knew I was getting together with my neighbor. Brought that bottle of wine over to my neighbors and had wine on her front porch - HUGE rule broken - no partying with wine. Still ate dinner and drank lots of water, but ended up having 5! The scariest part of that was that at 10:30 when the wine was gone, I almost opened up a beer. I really wanted to, but I didn't. I went home and went to bed. I could sit here and say that it was still progress, but that would be a lie.
Sunday - Another neighbor came over and "made me" come have a beer with her. Another rule broken - nothing on Sunday if I already drank on Fri and Sat.
Total for the week 9 - UNACCEPTABLE! What is more worrisome to me than the number is the way my head feels like it is slipping back into those "whatever, bury it, don't see it, do better next time" feelings. I also woke up Sunday morning feeling a little guilty. I do not want those feelings back. I guess I need to figure out what to do this weekend.
Another worrisome thing is that you've opened the floodgates for your friends to rush back in on. "k's back! Time to Party!" "Aw, C'mon k, you know you want one more?" "I'll have one if you will."
ReplyDeleteOh yes, I know those friends, they're relieved that you're showing signs of weakness because now they don't have to look too closely at their own drinking. It's time to prove to them how serious you are about this. If it were me, I would abstain from drinking with friends for awhile, they can be too dangerous. Have a glass of wine or beer with DH during a nice dinner. What am I talking about? "If I were me," right. I never could do that, that's why I have to abstain.
All my wishes for the best for you, as always. Kary
Thanks Kary! You are definitely right about the friends. I am going to try to keep my distance this weekend. Relax at home with the family!
DeleteIt was truly only a matter of time -- this is what happens when people with drinking problems (I am one too) try to moderate -- I can't tell you what to do and I have no right to -- but I can only hope that you see what all of these broken rules in a row mean. You'll break the hangover rule very soon, I can almost guarantee it, if you keep going like this. I don't think you would have posted about this if you weren't asking for help. Please help yourself!
ReplyDeleteI hear ya Anonymous - Loud and Clear!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I have a LOT of respect for you and being so 100% honest. You are doing yourself and your readers a service by being so. Hang in there and take care of yourself!
ReplyDeleteAs long as you keep being honest with yourself and (since it's helping you evaluate things) with this blog then you're going to be okay. Either you'll find a way to happily moderate, or you'll realize that it's not working and you'll quit. Either way it goes, I'm behind you 100%
ReplyDeleteKeep on keepin' it real, sister!
Lulu (Luluruns)
Thanks Lulu! I didn't know you were reading my blog. Honesty does suck! It is sooo much easier to look the other way and pretend not to see things.
ReplyDeleteyeah, well...I worry about you! If this were a nature show you'd be that wildabeast who has wandered from the safety of the herd...then the camera man switches to a scene of lionesses walking along in the tall grass.....
Deletetake care,
Lulu
Thanks Anonymous!
ReplyDelete