My dh and I got in a pretty big fight last night. I have not been the nicest person to him - I know that. I think I try to put on such a strong image for everyone else, that get a little lazy around him. I act like my pissy, annoyed, depressed, grumpy self that I don't let the rest of the world see. He said he was tired of it. I said that I am going through some pretty tough shit right now! He asked if I have been going through it for years?!? I think maybe I have, in one way or another. He said, "I used to be a drug addict! (he smoked pot in HS) Just get over it!" I was hurt, pissed and shocked! How dare he say that to me! This is hard! I walked out of the room...he slept on the couch...
And then I thought about what he said. Maybe he is right. Maybe I just need to get over myself. I chose this road! I longed for this road! I used to imagine the strong me that didn't drink, was a fantastic role model, lived without regrets and was happy. All of that is true except the happy part. Why? This is what I have wanted for so long! What is the problem?
I did notice that when my thoughts were - I am never drinking again - I was happier, more at peace, more accepting of the idea.
Somewhere in the last couple of weeks, my thoughts shifted to - I will wait at least 120 days and then decide if I want to try again - my positive attitude changed - grumpier, angry, depressed, anxious.
I wonder why?
Cant feed both beasts girl. One or the other, it will tear you up. I got in a fight with C today to. Relationships are hard, especially when I want to drink and he is doing so good. Two weeks ago I tried to talk him into sharing some wine with me. He never liked wine in the first place. I was convincing, I thought. Turns out he wants better for me and duh, I should want better to. Its fucking hard.
ReplyDeleteNice informative blog, thanks for sharing.
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