I am so sick of myself!

This is a post I wrote from December 23 - two days before I quit - I think I need to keep reminding myself how desperately badly I wanted this.

I am so sick of myself!

So I haven't posted in a while.  I decided I was getting too caught up in the thinking about the problem.  Obsessing about the latest obsession (my alcohol issues) was just making it worse.  I decided it just "play it by ear."  Let it be the way it used to be - no drinking during the week, moderate on the weekends (although that is kind of a joke bc I rarely moderated on the weekends).  I had a terrible week over Thanksgiving, swore it would be different, had a couple of really good weeks, and now have fallen off the deep end AGAIN!  For me that means not being able to go more than 4 days without drinking, some days (during the week) only drinking one or two, bingeing with 5-6 on the weekends and waking up with a HO. Since winter break started, I have had 3 bingeing nights, 3 days spent with a HO and only 2 days abstaining.   I think I have a problem.  I may be that dreaded A word and I may need help.  I just can't seem to get a handle on this alone.  My mind is going back to when I would wake up in the morning, trying to plan the next neighborhood get to together just so I could drink.  I am not the same as I used to be when I drink.  I think I might have really embarrassed myself last night at the party.  i don't think I said anything out of line, but anymore I just get so fricking loud.  Maybe I have always been, it just is annoying coming from a middle aged woman.  I know for a fact I embarrass my teenage children by telling stories about them.  This has got to stop!  I can't live like this anymore. I am broken, disgusted with myself, incredibly lonely in this self imposed prison of addiction (even though I am surrounded by people who love me) and just exhausted from it all!  I need help!  I am crying as I type - please don;t let anyone see...