One of the reasons I keep this blog is to be able to examine my journey. Well, it appears that my journey is a whole lot of bullshit talking without a lot of actual action and/or change...
After all of that writing and thinking and pondering and analyzing and problem solving and list making and convincing....I drank Saturday!!!!! I am so stupid. I was going to abstain all of April. I have except for twice. Here were my excuses both times. Two Saturdays ago we went out to dinner with my sister at a nice restaurant - big trigger for wine btw! I told myself that I had drank so many weekends during February and March (after abstaining in January) bc I wasn't taking my naltrexone. So I was going to try it (taking the 1/4 pill an hour before and then allowing myself 2 (max 3) drinks. I had used it before Christmas and it really was helping. Well if you remember, I had 1 beer and 2 glasses of wine and felt like hell the next day. Couldn't seep all night and was exhausted Sunday swearing I was taking a break (it pisses me off, btw, that I feel this bad after only 3 drinks!!!!). Well, this last Saturday I talked myself into drinking by saying, "Maybe it was the wine. Maybe it would be different with beer." So I drank 3 beers (one light and 2 IPA 8%). Well, guess what? I slept 3 whole hours of the 7 I was in bed (anxious, heart racing, sweating) and felt like shit yesterday - after 3 beers!!!! I wasted another weekend day sitting on the couch and am waking up on one more Monday feeling tired.
I don't know why it has to come down to enjoying my weekends at the expense of feeling depressed/anxious the rest of the week or being in a better place overall but having crappy weekends.
I do know that when I am not drinking at all, I will go to bed and wake up with a smile on my face probably 80% of the time. When I am drinking on the weekends, that never happens. I do get a smile on my face later in the day when it is almost time to drink but usually I wake up the a frowny, furrowed brow, grumpy face.
I wonder if maybe the 10 drinks I had this weekend were just too much for me, that I have to be really careful about the amount I consume. Maybe that is enough to make me grumpy, depressed and anxious.
I do know that I told myself that I was only going to use alcohol in social situation where I just felt extremely awkward not to be drinking. I don't want to have to avoid these thing and isolate myself, which is what always causes me to give up my abstinence goals.
With alcohol I was doing pretty good. I even went to a couple of socials events, didn't drink and still had fun. Everyone was so proud of my, and I was proud of myself, but just felt lifeless.
I have come to realize that it isn't necessarily the "buzz" that I miss so much...i don't really miss feeling a little out of it and not 100% present which I have really enjoyed this last 255 days. It is the anticipation of the environment of the "buzz." I used to live for the weekends. I would look so forward to doing things and being social. It almost gave me energy. I know I was probably just looking forward to feeding my addiction, but I really have not missed that "buzzed" feeling. I really do miss looking forward to something. Everything just seems so boring and drab and lifeless.
I have been overall much happier with my own sense of well being these last few months, but have also sort of slipped into this depressed boredom.
Last night we went to dinner with my sister and her boyfriend. We have all had our differences in the past and I was so looking forward to this "rekindling" of our relationship. We got there and she was having a glass of red wine, and I found myself literally overcome with jealously and anxiety. I couldn't even carry on a conversation. It just hit me out of the blue. I could tell they were uncomfortable with the fact that I wasn't drinking. I was uncomfortable. I so desperately don't want it to be like that. I look around the really nice steak restaurant and see all the table enjoying a glass of wine and I suddenly get pissed off. I want to have a glass of wine dammit! I want to sit here, have a nice adult dinner with my sister and enjoy a glass of wine, dammit! I couldn't even focus! It was crazy! Before you knew it, I had ordered and was enjoying a glass of red wine.
I don't know how I feel about it. On the one hand I slept like crap...I had hot flashes all night. That hasn't happened in about 7 months so I know it was the alcohol and I am more tired than usual today. I know that I feel much better when I don't drink, but I am not emotionally beating myself up. i promised myself last night that I wouldn't do that if I chose to have a glass of wine. I am a little disappointed that I didn't make it a year and am not sure if I will drink again.
I am feeling a little bit if that "bury it and move on" feeling. Like I just don't want to look at it, talk about it, feel it, examine it, SEE it. I just want to forget about it and do better next weekend. But ..... that is not how I am going to get better. I promised myself I would no longer be in denial and really look at how I am doing so......
Wednesday - had 1 beer .... wasn't even going to admit that. I don't know why. It just sounded good, I was cooking, the thought popped into my mind and before even letting myself think about it, I had one open. Broke a rule - no drinking on weekdays.
Friday - had 2 - not that big of a deal, but I am starting to get that "It's Friday! Let's have a beer!" feeling again early in the afternoon. That's concerning. I bought my first bottle of wine since before Christmas for my friend who just went through something pretty tough with her daughter. I think that might have just been an excuse. I could have just bought her beer. Had one glass of wine with dinner.
Saturday - Had one beer early evening by myself - another rule broken. Kind of like pre drinking since I knew I was getting together with my neighbor. Brought that bottle of wine over to my neighbors and had wine on her front porch - HUGE rule broken - no partying with wine. Still ate dinner and drank lots of water, but ended up having 5! The scariest part of that was that at 10:30 when the wine was gone, I almost opened up a beer. I really wanted to, but I didn't. I went home and went to bed. I could sit here and say that it was still progress, but that would be a lie.
Sunday - Another neighbor came over and "made me" come have a beer with her. Another rule broken - nothing on Sunday if I already drank on Fri and Sat.
Total for the week 9 - UNACCEPTABLE! What is more worrisome to me than the number is the way my head feels like it is slipping back into those "whatever, bury it, don't see it, do better next time" feelings. I also woke up Sunday morning feeling a little guilty. I do not want those feelings back. I guess I need to figure out what to do this weekend.