I was a a training for work yesterday and although they were talking about teaching related stuff, I kept thinking about how it also applied to my quest for sobriety. There were three things I wrote down:
When changing, you move through four steps
unconscious incompetence - you don't even know you have a problem
conscious incompetence - you know you have a problem
conscious competence - you work really hard on the problem
unconscious competence - the problem is resolved - no longer takes huge amounts of effort
I think I have been back and forth between steps 2 and 3 for a long time - usually in step 2, trying to be in step 3, hoping to someday be in step 4.
"People have built quite successful careers describing the hill, measuring the hill, walking around the hill, taking pictures of the hill and so forth. Sooner or later, somebody needs to actually climb the hill." from Six Secrets of Change by Pfeffer
I have worn a deep path around the "sobriety hill" not only doing those things but also trying to figure out the grass on the hill, why it grows there, when it was created, if I can change it, if it even needs changing, who else has been on the hill, if they climbed it, how they climbed it, how long did they stay on it, what kind of animals live on it, have ever lived on it, if there is another way around it, if I can get to the top without actually climbing it, do I even need to get to the top, is it even fun up there, etc.....you get the point. Who gives a shit! Just climb the damn hill already! Also I feel like it is more of a mountain as shown above rather than nice little grassy hill.
We often lose focus when the business of daily school (life) happens. We shift into a reactive role. responding to chaos, rather than proactively working towards goals that might address some of the underlying reasons for the chaos." -Aguilar
I totally get that, except the chaos of drinking is in my brain. When tomorrow night arrives (or maybe even tonight - you know Thirsty Thursday) the chatter, negotiating, convincing, screaming, chaotic voice in my head will begin telling me to drink - that I'm not that bad and I can moderate if I just try harder. I need to have a plan to get through that.
It is true. A person needs to move through the stages...but the shift from contemplation into action is where the change occurs.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you know enough about the hill to see there is no way around it. No way to remove it. No way to tunnel through it.
You need to go over it.
It seems scary looking at it from the bottom, but once the hard part is done and you get to the top you will see just how beautiful the view is.
Don't drink today. Start the climb.
Anne
Thank you for continuing to tell me how great it looks from the top. If you guys weren't constantly telling me, I wouldn't believe it.
DeleteYou admitted yourself that you are kindling, how bad do you want to get? The next time you quit will be worse, and the time after that will be worse than that one.
ReplyDeleteThere comes a time your chances to climb the mountain are gone. But right now? You can climb this one, then the next one, then the next one. Don't waste your life trying to climb his one mountain like so many people do.
I hear you Kary - if I don't ever climb it - then I will never know what is on the other side.
DeleteGirl, you know mountains. The minute you get to the top, you spot another beautiful one to climb and because you reached the top of this one, you know you're strong enough to climb any one you want.
DeleteThere came a time when I had to be really uncomfortable in order to get sober.
ReplyDeleteI had to live with the urges, cravings, but they did go away.
I did have a plan.
The tricky part is that I had to give some things up for awhile, but I also knew that in the long run, my life would be saner, happier, and just as joyful.
xo
Wendy
I know it would be saner - but happier? Please keep telling me that :)
Delete