Thursday, April 20, 2017
4/20/17 (Thurs) - Climbing the mountain
I was a a training for work yesterday and although they were talking about teaching related stuff, I kept thinking about how it also applied to my quest for sobriety. There were three things I wrote down:
When changing, you move through four steps
unconscious incompetence - you don't even know you have a problem
conscious incompetence - you know you have a problem
conscious competence - you work really hard on the problem
unconscious competence - the problem is resolved - no longer takes huge amounts of effort
I think I have been back and forth between steps 2 and 3 for a long time - usually in step 2, trying to be in step 3, hoping to someday be in step 4.
"People have built quite successful careers describing the hill, measuring the hill, walking around the hill, taking pictures of the hill and so forth. Sooner or later, somebody needs to actually climb the hill." from Six Secrets of Change by Pfeffer
I have worn a deep path around the "sobriety hill" not only doing those things but also trying to figure out the grass on the hill, why it grows there, when it was created, if I can change it, if it even needs changing, who else has been on the hill, if they climbed it, how they climbed it, how long did they stay on it, what kind of animals live on it, have ever lived on it, if there is another way around it, if I can get to the top without actually climbing it, do I even need to get to the top, is it even fun up there, etc.....you get the point. Who gives a shit! Just climb the damn hill already! Also I feel like it is more of a mountain as shown above rather than nice little grassy hill.
We often lose focus when the business of daily school (life) happens. We shift into a reactive role. responding to chaos, rather than proactively working towards goals that might address some of the underlying reasons for the chaos." -Aguilar
I totally get that, except the chaos of drinking is in my brain. When tomorrow night arrives (or maybe even tonight - you know Thirsty Thursday) the chatter, negotiating, convincing, screaming, chaotic voice in my head will begin telling me to drink - that I'm not that bad and I can moderate if I just try harder. I need to have a plan to get through that.