Well...it is 2:30 in the morning and I have only gotten 4 hours of sleep. I feel terrible and have to go to work today.
This was Easter weekend and I had 16 drinks over the course of the weekend. Friday I started at 4:00 and only had 3 light beers but I had promised myself I wasn't going to drink at all this weekend as I drank too much last weekend. Saturday probably had 7 beer (some high content IPA beers) and yesterday more than a whole bottle of wine.
The first thing I wanted to do when I got up is go back on my blog and look at how bad the past Easter weekends had been. I don't think I have ever been sober (except when pregnant) during the spring. It is so hard for me. Why do I always want to look back and analyze how bad I have been for so long? Am I still trying to convince myself that I need to quit? How many more weekends, months, years am I going to spend fighting this? I am tired. I give up. I give in. You win, alcohol. You have beat me. I can't control you. I am back to planning and plotting my next drinking evening - trying to get people together, hosting parties, rationalizing, craving, sneaking, getting that insatiable need of wanting more even though everyone else is done, texting people to come over just so I can keep drinking,
I need a break. My body needs a break. My brain needs a break. My soul needs a break.
I know it is easy to say "I quit" at 2:00 in the morning when I can't sleep after a bad weekend. I know I will feel differently by Wednesday when that open bottle of wine is calling to me. If I can hold off until Friday, I am 100% positive I will have changed my mind and want to drink.
I need to figure out how to fight my addiction voice on Friday when it tells me I can drink, that I am fine, that I will just try harder to control the beast.
Don't tell me I need to get help. I am not getting help. I can do this on my own. Maybe I can't do this on my own. Maybe that is why I have been trying for so long and failing. What is wrong with me? I am not going to AA - too much stigma - probably too many memories of of my father and AA and it still didn't help him - his addiction killed him.
I am a strong, intelligent person. I can do this on my own. I know I can, I just need to try harder. I just need to want more from my life. I need to not care what everyone else thinks. I need to give sobriety a fighting chance. I want to be free of this obsession and see what a great life I can have alcohol free. I do believe all of you happy sober people out there. I just need to believe it can happen for me. I want to enjoy my life without alcohol.
I CAN DO THIS!!! I WILL DO THIS!!!
You CAN do this!! Start by taking it one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestions: Think positive - think about some upcoming events and how lovely it would be to be sober and present at them. Envision your life alcohol free.
Play it forward - if you take that first drink what is going to happen?
Reflect back on your drinking - how does it make you feel? Why would you want to try that again?
Best of luck. This is a hard journey, but you CAN do it. Hugs
Thank you . You are right. I need to think about how great it feels to be sober rather than missing the buzzed feeling.
DeleteThere are many people who get sober all on their own.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that helped me the most was some real life support.
I met some great people in recovery who I could meet with and gain their wisdom.
Have you read Belle's book?
She gives some great ideas for people who don't want to go to AA.
I am with Stratta15...the other super powerful thing that helped me and continues to help me is to think through the end of the drink.
Because it is never one drink and it feels yucky, and even worse.
xo
Wendy
Think through the end of the drink...I will try that. Right now I think I go with - I want what I want and I want it now. Seems a little immature
Deletek, you know I had the same aversion to going to AA meetings as you have. You don't have to go, not yet, maybe not ever. But, that doesn't mean you have to do it on your own, there are plenty of online communities for support. Blogging is amazing and it's enough for some people to get and stay sober, but it wasn't enough for me. It took daily interaction, more than daily, several times throughout the day, acclamations of intent to others so I would be accountable. It took communicating with others and getting support throughout the day. It's there for you. Do whatever it takes. I don't want to see you regret anymore Easters or Christmas's, I don't want you to have anymore 2:00 am's awake and miserable. But we can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results.
ReplyDeleteJoining a support group isn't a one-sided thing. You don't just ask for support, you give support. You are a teacher, you must find great satisfaction and joy in serving and giving to those kids. Giving is a big part of recovery. As I said in my blog today, I try to help people recover so I stay sober. Telling them that I am sober and happy, makes me stay sober and happy. Doing this is as integral to me staying sober, as the support I get from others.
You have so much to give.
Which were your favorite online groups. I was thinking maybe WFS as they all seem super nice and maybe SMART bc is seems very logical.
DeleteAlso, I really - deep down in my heart - want to be the sober person telling everyone how great it is.
Deleteeveryone can do this on their own, but no one has to. That's the secret. We can make life easier by asking for support. And, like KM says, we quickly see how we can return that support. Nothing is a show of weakness. It is all a two way street.
ReplyDeleteAsk yourself how what you have been doing is working for you. If it isn't, choose something different.
The freedom and relief available is so much better than any wine could ever be. My heart breaks for anyone still trapped in addiction. It is such a dark place.
Hug
Anne
I hear you - what I am doing has not been working but those thoughts don't seem to matter at 4:00 on a Friday afternoon.
DeleteI stumbled across your blog and it spoke to me; my struggle with alcohol so much resembles yours. I have a romantic image of drinking which is so far from reality. I love the buzzed feeling of the first glass or two of wine but once I have that wonderful buzz my body doesn’t want it to end so I consume way too much aka a broken off switch. For the past decade, I’ve tried to moderate and I have, for a few days or months but eventually a massive hangover is in my future. I’ve tried adding ‘rules’ like you to my drinking – no drinking on work nights or alone, etc. but I end up breaking them.
ReplyDeleteI know what I plan to do the next time I have an urge to drink…. read your blog!
Keep it up; you can do it.
You do sound exactly like me - same struggles. Maybe we can help each other.
DeleteHave you listened to the bubble hour?
DeleteYou will hear your story over and over again.
It's scary how similar we all are...how we cling to the thought drinking is a reward or fun, long past it is.
Hug. Give yourself a chance. Try not drinking.
What is bubble hour?
Delete