4/19/17 (Wed) - I will stay sober and present this weekend

I am not going to say "I will not drink" because that is not doing something which feels like I am missing out - going without something.  I am going to say "I am staying sober" like I am giving myself a gift, like it is my choice and I am adding something instead of taking something away.

I was sitting outside last nigh,t in the dark letting my dogs out and started thinking.  I really do enjoy the feeling of being sober.  So I started thinking about why. Besides the obvious reason of not having a 3 day hangover I was thinking about my actual feelings while drinking,. Comparing how I feel when I drink to when I don't. It is so hard to articulate. When I drink I feel a sense of urgency. Although I feel relaxed, I feel a little impatient. Maybe impatient with conversations/situations/ people.  Too impatient to wash my face or do the dished before I go to bed. I also feel a little hyper but also super lazy and out of it. I get hyper like around making dinner for guests or dominating conversations but also lazy like I just want to sit in my chair and continue to drink. It is so hard to explain how it makes me feel and why I like it.  I am not so sure I actually like it while I am doing it.  I just really like it before I start and am thinking about it. And then i just get ind of out of it and don;t want to stop.  What is it I like so much about being buzzed?  Maybe it is that I can just not think about all the chores and things I should or could be doing. Maybe it is just to shut of my brain for a little while and not think. Maybe it is to socialize without getting bored with conversations.  Maybe it is two fold - to fight boredom but also make me not think about the responsibilities of life.

Anyways - when I was sitting outside last night (sober) I was trying to pinpoint what I like about the feeling of being sober.  I like that I take care of responsibilities (even stupid stuff like laundry or house cleaning) which I will totally put off if I spend a weekend drinking and then the following week recovering. I like that I feel calmer inside myself.  That irritable, impatient, uncomfortable (I can't find the right word) person calms down for the most part. She only comes back out when the weekend comes and I can't drink.

I think the thing I like the most about being sober (besides not having debilitating hangovers and being depressed and anxious and exhausted and out of shape) is the feeling of being present.  While sitting outside last night my thoughts were on the wind in the trees, the moon in the sky, the dogs sniffing around, the smell of dampness in the air. If I were drinking last night I would have either not even let them outside before bed or certainly not sat down outside and just enjoyed the moment.  I feel like I enjoy things when I drink, but how much can I really enjoy them if all my senses are numbed and I am not present.

Distracted - that's the word I feel when I drink. It some sort of weird distracted feeling in my own head - not with outside things. Like I'm not really paying attention to anything or anyone around me. I sort of am but not really. It feels very selfish.  It is a difference between feeling distracted and being present.

I don't know if any of that makes any sense. I suppose I am just still in analysis paralysis when the simple answer is just don't drink (whoops - just stay sober).  I heard someone say once - Why have I stayed on this burning bridge for all of these years trying to figure out why it is burning?  Why don't I just get off the bridge? It is all so stupid!