Thursday, August 20, 2015
8/20/15 (Thurs) - Loss of stamina/need to do better
Man, this going back to work thing (teacher) is a killer! I am exhausted at the end of every day! I really need to get my stamina back up. I know that is not going to happen if I drink too much this weekend.
I am tired of myself. All this internal conflict, fighting, drama I have with this drug. Am I going to drink? How much? When? With who? It all usually starts on Thursday night. I start making my weekend plans. Already I have a family dinner this weekend and I know that I purposely made it for Saturday instead of Sunday so I could drink. I can't change the date now so I am just going to have to remind myself that over drinking this weekend is not going to help my stamina at all. In fact, it will make it worse next week.
I am not going to drink anything on Friday or Sunday and limit my drinking Saturday to 3 glasses of wine at the most. I am going to make sure to take my naltrexone and try to delay the first glass of wine for as long as possible.I am also going to send any left over wine home with my sisters so I am not tempted to drink it on Sunday.
As I type this plan I feel a sense of anxiety, right in my throat. I can't explain it - this I now I 'm going to want to drink and and going to anyway. I just felt myself sigh.....with this sense of "Yeah right! You and your big plans. I don't even know why you bother anymore. You never honor your commitments anyway."