I am a 51 year old wife, teacher and mother of 2. I have a 21 year old son and a 25 year old daughter. New intro...I am sober and love it! It isn't always easy but it is always worth it!
Old intro...I am fighting this damn drug called alcohol. I have been a weekend binge drinker for 30 years. I binge 2-3 times a month on a Friday or Saturday, but alcohol kicks my butt every single day of my life. I am sick of it!
Sunday, August 16, 2015
8/16/15 (Sun) - Fail
Well, I drank too much last night and have a hangover.....not much else to say.
I don't know why I keep putting all of these promises to myself on this blog when I don't seem to be able to keep any of them. Just ridiculous....
I know how hard it it...but I also know that if you label yourself as a failure you'll live up (down?) to that expectation. Don't beat yourself up. I think moderation is the most difficult thing to achieve. If you're anything like me, once you have that first glass you want more. And more. And more.
I know a lot of people don't approve of it, but I got through my first few days by drinking AF beer. I found that I didn't want more than one of them, but somehow it took the edge off. Probably all in my head, but that's okay. It worked. Once I got through the first few days it was easier. I know I can't have JUST ONE glass of wine, so I don't have any.
I totally agree. I've tried moderation, and now I've been abstinent for 347 days. Moderation is much harder. It's exhausting, the constant arguing with yourself. I tried all the tricks too: delaying the first drink, drinking something else I didn't like as much so I wouldn't go overboard, drinking water in between drinks, all while plotting how to keep that buzz going...on and on. And the truth is, once I stopped putting alcohol in my system, it became very clear to me that it was making me anxious and depressed on top of everything. Here, I thought I was drinking to ease the anxiety, when all along, it was the drink itself causing it! Thinking about never drinking again is scary. But once you get some sober time, I'm telling you, it's like a veil is lifted and all the bullshit your addiction tried to give you about non-drinkers being boring, and you'll never have any fun again and how you'll never be able to stop...you see that it wasn't real, it was the addiction. It plays tricks on your mind and convinces you you're a failure and you are in such a compromised state that you believe it.
I do hope you keep trying and find your way to peace. I'm not going to say that abstinence is the only answer for everyone, but I know it was for me, and I don't think you sound that different from me. A lot of us are making this journey, as scary as it is, and we're finding good things on the other side.
I just read this after I wrote about my deep dark existence today. It was perfect timing! Thanks for taking the time to write me. I am going to read it again when my head is a little clearer.
Don't give up. Something about your posts so calls to me. I had so many plans and rules and attempts at cutting down on my drinking. And I just could never follow through with them. And it crushed me every time.
Keep trying. It is so hard to get through the first alcohol free weekends, but eventually the relief comes and from that the strength to do what feels right for you.
Thank you. I know it feels better not to drink. I just don't know why I can't completely commit to it. Complete sobriety just scares the daylights out of me.
Of course it does. It scared all of us. Deeply. But the alternative is loss of health, mental distress, depression, potential loss of job, embarrassment and death.
So one day I decided facing that fear might just be the bravest thing I have ever done. And it is.
I want to be that brave...i soooo desperately want to be the shining light of sobriety....the one everyone else looks at in awe...the one that is happy without it
I know how hard it it...but I also know that if you label yourself as a failure you'll live up (down?) to that expectation. Don't beat yourself up. I think moderation is the most difficult thing to achieve. If you're anything like me, once you have that first glass you want more. And more. And more.
ReplyDeleteI know a lot of people don't approve of it, but I got through my first few days by drinking AF beer. I found that I didn't want more than one of them, but somehow it took the edge off. Probably all in my head, but that's okay. It worked. Once I got through the first few days it was easier. I know I can't have JUST ONE glass of wine, so I don't have any.
Anyway, keep on trying. We're rooting for you.
I have considered AF beer as a replacement.
DeleteI totally agree. I've tried moderation, and now I've been abstinent for 347 days. Moderation is much harder. It's exhausting, the constant arguing with yourself. I tried all the tricks too: delaying the first drink, drinking something else I didn't like as much so I wouldn't go overboard, drinking water in between drinks, all while plotting how to keep that buzz going...on and on. And the truth is, once I stopped putting alcohol in my system, it became very clear to me that it was making me anxious and depressed on top of everything. Here, I thought I was drinking to ease the anxiety, when all along, it was the drink itself causing it! Thinking about never drinking again is scary. But once you get some sober time, I'm telling you, it's like a veil is lifted and all the bullshit your addiction tried to give you about non-drinkers being boring, and you'll never have any fun again and how you'll never be able to stop...you see that it wasn't real, it was the addiction. It plays tricks on your mind and convinces you you're a failure and you are in such a compromised state that you believe it.
DeleteI do hope you keep trying and find your way to peace. I'm not going to say that abstinence is the only answer for everyone, but I know it was for me, and I don't think you sound that different from me. A lot of us are making this journey, as scary as it is, and we're finding good things on the other side.
I just read this after I wrote about my deep dark existence today. It was perfect timing! Thanks for taking the time to write me. I am going to read it again when my head is a little clearer.
DeleteDon't give up. Something about your posts so calls to me.
ReplyDeleteI had so many plans and rules and attempts at cutting down on my drinking.
And I just could never follow through with them. And it crushed me every time.
Keep trying. It is so hard to get through the first alcohol free weekends, but eventually the relief comes and from that the strength to do what feels right for you.
Hugs
Anne
Thank you. I know it feels better not to drink. I just don't know why I can't completely commit to it. Complete sobriety just scares the daylights out of me.
DeleteOf course it does. It scared all of us. Deeply.
DeleteBut the alternative is loss of health, mental distress, depression, potential loss of job, embarrassment and death.
So one day I decided facing that fear might just be the bravest thing I have ever done. And it is.
I want to be that brave...i soooo desperately want to be the shining light of sobriety....the one everyone else looks at in awe...the one that is happy without it
Delete