Sunday, August 23, 2015

Deep dark hole



Deep dark hole is what I google searched this morning.  I feel like total dog shit this morning.  When I woke up, after 4 hours of drunken sleep, I thought about the percocets in my closet.  We have a bunch since my dh has had a couple surgeries and he never takes them.  I thought, "Mabye I should just take a couple to put me to sleep for a few hours until the hangover wears off."  That is how desperate I am for this day to be over.  That is just a sad existence.  I didn't and won't take them but it kinda scared me that I even thought about it.  Another thing that entered my mind is that I could see how people (I was specifically thinking about celebrities like Robin Williams, Whitney Houston and her daughter, Michael Jackson) could actually just take a handful to make the pain and suffering end for that moment.  I bet they weren't thinking about not being around ever again, but that they just wanted relief from the physical, emotional, debilitating, devastating anguish they were feeling right in that moment.  That thought also scared me a little.

Well..I'm not going to do that...I have too much to live for...I'm going to eat something and go back to bed. I just wanted to at least record how I am feeling today. When I do try to get my shit together, it helps me go back and read how bad I was feeling.

3 comments:

  1. Hey, I recognize that place you're in, get the hell out of there. I pm'd you on gmail with my phone # if you need to talk.
    You know, k, I knew for years that I was going to eventually quit drinking, I knew I was going to have to, I just kept putting it off. I can think of at least five of my friends who died in their forties from drinking, I wonder if they just kept thinking, I''ll quit later."

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have been there too.
    I love sh I could help you.
    Quitting drinking is scary. Drastic and unbelievable worthwhile.
    From the sober wide I remember my desperation and fear. That black hole of self doubt.

    It is the booze. All of it. Give yourself a few months of sobriety and you will see that.
    It is so,worth it. Life is beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was sober for 8 months and it was worth it but not easy

    ReplyDelete