I do feel like every time I go through this type of hangover, it does serve a purpose. It pushes me a little closer to giving it up altogether. I see that light down the road, I just can't seem to get to it. Its more like I feel it down there - calling to me - pulling at my heart. I am 47 yo and sometimes I wonder what my purpose is? What is my message to the world? What will be my legacy? What kind of a difference can I make? Maybe sobriety could be it. I could be the inspiration for my family and friends that it can be done with grace, dignity and joy. That I could be completely sober and be at peace, grateful and full of love. Sometimes I truly believe in my heart that the light way down there is where I will eventually wind up. I guess the question is how many ditches do I have to climb out of before I make it? That, I guess, is only for me to decide.
They always say you get to choose your bottom, I don't know why you can't choose how many ditches you jump into. Because, remember, you jump into them of your own accord, you're not pushed.
ReplyDeleteThis was an idea that I stumbled on right around the time I decided to stop drinking for good: numbing and blurring your emotions with alcohol is the opposite of gratefulness and love. You can't truly be grateful for the day if you're constantly feeling like it's not good enough until you put alcohol in it. In two weeks, I'll be at 1 full year without a drop of alcohol. Am I 100% at peace all the time? Of course not. But you know, I find that I do feel a lot less anxious. I also feel more prepared to handle what life throws at me, and that is a big change. You don't have to hold your sobriety up as some kind of inspirational beacon to others to make it worthwhile. And if you think any of us does it with 100% grace, dignity and joy, we're doing a good job of faking it. I am a hot mess sometimes, and yes sometimes I get angry that I can't just zone out and drink, but I know it's not good for me, and I choose myself and real emotions, as messy as they sometimes are, over a temporary buzz. That is the joy in sobriety. Feeling my emotions and knowing they are real and authentic, and being present in my life is the reward. I only have one regret, and that is that I ever started drinking in the first place. You have nothing to lose, but then again, no one could have told me giving up alcohol would be a good thing until I tried it myself.
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