Thursday, August 2, 2012

Total fail!

Ok so it happened!  I am not going to try to cover it up, explain it away or deny it...I am right back were I was last December when I decided I was going to quit forever and did for something like 85 days.  When I decided to try again, I made a deal with myself that it would only be occasionally and would never have a hangover.  Well I have had hangovers and I have been drinking every weekend and once in a while during the week.

The vacation actually went pretty well in terms of family drama.  There was a couple of little tifs but they were over pretty quickly (no one packed up and left which is a good thing!)  I did not get overly sensitive, did not start any fights, did not cry or yell and was only really trashed on the last night but...

I felt like I was "chasing the buzz" the entire trip.  I would wake up too late, not feeling well because I slept terrible and had too much wine the night before.  I consistently was awake from 2:30 - 4:30 tossing and turning with heart palpitations, and extreme worry and anxiety. I would get up, isolate and try to pull myself together (I would have rather been up hiking around, in the pool, at the gym, etc.)  I am pretty good at faking it around other people.  I had to take Tylenol every morning and forgot mine so I would tell my mom I slept on my neck wrong or that my eyes were red and watering because of the chlorine in the pool last night, etc.  She even asked me how I was doing with my drinking and I told her great!  That was a bunch of bullshit!  i just didn't want to talk about it bc I was either drinking or hungover.

By about noon I would start to feel better and start thinking about that beer with lunch, which I never do at home but use vacation as an excuse to drink during the day.  I even found myself sneaking that lunch beer.  Having some excuse to go back up to the room so I could slam one down and then join everyone else.  NO ONE else was drinking at lunch.  One morning my sister even talked me into a bloody mary.  She asked and I said no bc I don't drink vodka and I don't drink in the morning.  Then, 5 minutes later, the pool service guy came, she asked me again and I said OK.  By the time we were thinking about dinner, I had had 2-3 beers, mostly in secret and was not happy with my buzz level.  i would wait for the wine until I got back from the store.

Cooking dinner seems like an easy way for me to hide my wine consumption.  I am busy, everyone else is busy, I don't feel like people are watching.  I am not really even paying too much attention - cooking, talking, laughing, drinking..... Others are also drinking but of course not as much as me...

Now I am starting to get that wine buzz that is so much better than beer and I want to keep that going.  I start drinking it faster than usual and we play cards or go to the hot tub or watch the olympics.  I probably have 2-3 glasses of wine to everyone else's one.  I pretend that no one notices how many times I get up to get more, but I am sure they all do just don't want to say anything.  I get a couple of looks from my kids, but I reassure them that I am fine.

So that was what every day looked like, but the last night was the worst. I had been thinking for awhile about taking another break after vacation - no more parties, holidays, vacations, school starting, etc. so I think I had the "one last hurrah" in my head.  I used to do that all the time when I quit smoking.  for two years I would smoke (while drinking) so much I would make myself good and sick every Saturday and quit every Sunday.  i think I did the same thing Tuesday night.  I got sloppy drunk.  I spilled my wine, my daughter said I got annoying.  I felt like I was OK, but looking back I probably was pretty drunk.

The scary part is that at midnight when we went back to our room to go to bed, my kids and nephew are getting their beds ready, dh is in the bedroom getting ready for bed, and I am slamming the last two glasses of wine left in a bottle in my room in the bathroom.  I am talking gulping it down (warm white wine no less) while now one is watching right before I am going to bed!  I think that might be a problem...

Sooo....I am not drinking from August 1 - October 31 (at least).  i know I am going to feel pretty crappy for the next 5-6 days (I always do after a particularly bad weekend).  So for the next 4 days I am just going to lay low, take care of myself and read Allen Carr's book.  Starting Monday I am going to make other healthy changes (gym, diet, water, rest, etc).  I think this "break" needs to be different that the last time.  Since I am undecided about whether or not it will be forever, I am not going to be depressed about the "never again" aspect.  I am going to try really hard to have a positive attitude, to really just be ok without drinking for awhile.  I am also going to do a better job of "putting in the work".  I am going to read some books about it, post on my lists and keep my blogg updated.

Question - for those of you that have successfully absed for a long period of time .... what is the single most helpful thing you did to change your mindset from a place of - what I can't have (that beer or glass of wine) to what I am gaining  from not drinking?  It has to be more than just telling myself. What did YOU DO to help?  I would really appreciate any advice.

1 comment:

  1. Hi ksusier, i've been reading your blog for a while now. We have the same sober date! I first stopped in April then began drinking again, and have just stopped again as of August 1. You're doing so well and it's so interesting to read the parallels of what we're both going through. Cheering for you! Imogen x

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