Sunday, August 5, 2012
Last night we watched a movie. dh and his friend had a couple beers, neighbor called wanting me to have a beer. I was fine with my seltzer water. I just kept saying to myself - I don't need a powerful, addictive drug to enjoy this movie.
When I went to bed I swear my heart was actually aching, even into my back and my left arm. It wasn't summersaulting, but I didn't feel great. Maybe I was just imagining it after all the talk last night?? I decided to ignore it and get some sleep - which I actually did for the first time in couple months except for the times they are alcohol induced and then it isn't good sleep.
I had a dream that I snuck a pint of really good micro beer. dh saw but no one else. He didn't say anything. He would really like for me to be a "normal" drinker - it's just easier that way. Anyway, we went to dinner, to a place that I have given in in the past, with a group of people. The waiter was doing the rounds for drinks and I said sure, making no eye contact with my dd (Last Wednesday she asked me if I was OK. She said that she thought I had drank a lot the night before. I told her I was and that I was taking a break until Halloween. She said she thought that was a good idea).
Well, she got my attention, gave me that "Mom - you said you were taking a break, are you sure?" look. Then I am not sure what happened. On the one hand I remember drinking the beer and feeling very disappointed but just pushing the thought away, ignoring my dd and laughing with my friends. On the other hand I remember saying that I changed my mind and didn't want one. I felt proud but also like a fake because I had snuck one earlier. And so begins the dreams...
My heart is beating rapidly just typing all of this. Is it better to share and feel anxiety or just push it all away and stop obsessing about it (stop being that tortured soul)?