Saturday, August 18, 2012

Darn it :(

I have to admit, I had thoughts of just "calling the whole thing off" - not blogging, not posting on my support group list, just living my life like a "normal" person, not thinking about this all the time.  I decided that doing that wold not help my situation.

In the spirit of always being true to myself on this blog and truly keeping a record of event and my felling around them in an effort to analyze what happened, I am going to come clean.

School started for me on Wednesday, it was a long three days getting my classroom ready.  I was SO committed to this abs period.  I did have thoughts during the day about a beer being nice when I got home, but I pushed them out my head trying to think positively from a place of gratitude rather than deprivation.  i really was fighting the urges, doing pretty well I thought.  There was even a Friday afternoon party at someone's house to kick off the school year.  I did not go and stayed at school until 6:00 getting stuff done but also to try to avoid that Friday afternoon urge.

So I get home, start putting my things away and see my neighbor outside watering her plants.  I know she knows I got home bc her dog loves me and is barking towards my house.  I go outside to say hi and she says, "Are you ready for a beer?"

After all that talking and thinking and writing and deciding and analyzing and reading and obsessing and agonizing and withdrawing and desire for things to be different and determination and slef-hatred and positivity and acceptance and surrender and ......... I said, "Sure!"  I didn't even think about it.  The only thought that came into my head was, "It's Friday, its nice outside, I want to sit outside and relax and I don't know how to do that without a beer.  So I am having one or maybe two and then going on with the rest of my evening. No big deal."  The problem is I had 4.

I am not going to analyze why it happened, I think that would be a waste of energy.  It happened because I have an addiction to alcohol and it got the best of me last night.

What I am going to do is move forward with my abs.  This is not going to be an excuse to give up and try to moderate again as slip ups have in the past.  I am back to absing.  I had a little slip up last night. I am not very happy about it and don't physically feel as good this morning as I would have had it not happened, but I am not going to let it derail me.

What I really am struggling with is how do I deal with situations like that in the future?  I know - just ride it out, wait, distract yourself, don't drink...I know all of that, but it is so much easier said than done. Any advice for conquering this situation in the future would be appreciated.


  1. The best thing I ever did when I decided to stop drinking was to tell everyone and anyone. Being accoutable is key in my opinion. I told my neighbors (who were my drinking buddies) that I would not be joining them for cocktails anymore and to not offer me any alcoholic beverage in the future. They were slightly bummed out as were other friends of mine but I didn't care. I stopped hanging out with the friends who couldn't handle it. The rest of my good and true friends offered words of support and encouragement and they understood when I didn't show up at happy hour for the first few months of my sobriety. I just passed my 2 year sober anniversary and I go out with drinkers and drink sprite and I am perfectly content and so very happy to know I have zero risk of a hangover, a DUI, or the morning guilt of drinking when I swore to myself I wouldn't. Life is better than ever. I'm pulling for you to get to that same place. It's worth the struggle so keep fighting.

  2. I so happy I found this blog...we sound very similar in our place with Alcohol. I made it 3 weeks shy of one year being sober in 2009 and it was one of the best years of my adult life. Then something happened...I said sure even though I started out with every intention of not having a drink and and so now for the past 2 and a half years I have yoyo'ed with not drinking for awhile and then drinking. I am really wanting to abstain right now but I am not sure why I keep slipping. It needs to be "done" and that is that. I am wondering if at this point I need to reach out to a support group.

    I am not a daily drinker. I drink maybe one time over the weekend. Sometimes it is an ok experience and other times I wake up and don't know what happened past a certain point. I have made an ass out of myself, said stupid shit to people, been completely unsafe, and have 3-5 day hangovers(hence I am smart enough to not drink everyday). I get buzzed very quickly and am actually a light weight but once some switch goes I drink way more than healthy. My depression and guilt/embarrassment after the drinking is the worst. I am carrying an extra 30lbs on my body and am always trying to lose weight, but I have that first drink, I eat and then eat crap for 2 days and then feel like crap that I didnt stick to my plan and then by fri or sat the cloud is lifted...I forget how bad I felt and then I will say "yes". I lost 25 pounds the year I abstained.

    Thanks for letting me comment and share...I appreciate your honesty and I can totally relate to everything you are keep writing;)