Sooo...here goes a gut wrenchingly honest post...
I was watching the new Intervention show last night right before going to bed. I don't know why I like that show so much. I like to think it is bc I can relate, but maybe it is the whole - I am not that bad thing?
Anyway, it was about this girl who just could not put enough alcohol in her body, no matter how wasted she was, she just couldn't stop until she passed out.
I turned the TV off and, in the dark, started thinking about what that would feel like. This is really hard to explain...I think that could be me...I could relate to that feeling of having an insatiable urge to keep drinking...no matter what...just coming from this place in my core, like deep down inside, like this overwhelming, primal need to fill this thirst, this gaping pit in my soul that would never be satisfied...I FELT THAT! I felt that "need" welling up from my core. By just trying to relate to the girl on the show, I felt it move from a place of irrational, primal need in my chest to a rational, sane thought in my head. I heard myself say, "Well there is a refrigerator full of beer downstairs...." Holy Hell! Did my brain just make that jump? It wasn't really an urge, and I pushed it out as quickly as it came in but still...
I started trying to remember a time when I really did feel that "physical need". I started off with only remembering like 2 times, but the more I thought about it, the more I could remember...the time I was at a baby shower and it was almost over. I felt a little panicked and was secretly finishing everyone's wine glasses in the kitchen...the time I decided to drink on a Tuesday and was finishing beers in the garage so my kids wouldn't see...the time at a part,y, that was wrapping up, and I got that panicky feeling of having to be done so I snuck another beer and drank half of it before I rejoin my friends so they would think in was the same one (one time I think I did that 3 times)...like the time, at a party, when I "accidently" grabbed this older ladies wine glass instead of mine bc mine was gone (I didn't even care if she noticed, I just needed more)...like just 2 weeks ago when I was gulping wine before I went to bed bc I just didn't feel "done" (even though I had had plenty). I think it happened a lot of time, I have just ignored it and pushed it away.
As I was remembering, I was also realizing that it has been happening more and more often. It is not just drinking too much on accident (although that is usually the case) but sometimes is has become trying to fill that "hole in my soul." By the time I start feeling that way, I have already had too much so all rational thought has left my brain...the only thing my brain is thinking is GIVE ME MORE!
The super scary part is that I could "feel" (not understand or think or contemplate) but "feel" how someone could loose everything bc of that "need." I could "feel" it in my bones.
For those of you that have lost everything, is that what it feels like? Is that the way my dad felt when he lost all those jobs, lost his family, got DUIs, destroyed his life? Does any of this make any sense?
This is an amazing post and thank you so much for having not only the courage to share with us but the ability to describe so clearly what is at the core of our dysfunctional boozing. I felt close to tears as I read this, so so many times I've had this crazy mad feeling of needing to 'fill up' 'fill up' filling up some sort of hole inside. I've done all those things you mention... sneaking extra wine in the kitchen .. having those two extra glasses when I know I'm only 20 mins from heading to bed. All of that behaviour, so sad and so real and so so unhealthy. That is why this drug needs to be removed from our lives, it is a problem. It is problem drinking. Take the alcohol away and we can start dealing with filling that hole with the good stuff that won't ruin our lives and hurt people around us. Such a great post, thank you. xxx
ReplyDeleteYou bet your sweet ass it makes sense. I always wondered why other people didn't feel that way. Like the old "joke": a doctor asked his patient how much he drank and the patient answered...well, all of it of course.
ReplyDeleteYeah...I didn't think it was funny either...because it was me.
Great great post. I love your honesty.
holy shit, i know that feeling! the empty 'hole' feeling you keep trying to pour stuff into. except most people can't articulate it as well as you have here. I am particularly struck by your comment of gulping before bed. I used to do that, too. And now - 46 days later - i look back and think "what the hell WAS that? you'd already had 4 glasses of wine, and yet you took some to bed to drink JUST before turning off the lights ... why? to feel a buzz? you're going to be asleep. To guarantee that you will sleep? sheesh i think the first 4 glasses and the fact that it's 1 am would do that just fine."
ReplyDeleteIt's like a switch gets turned on, and we keep drinking till we fall down (literally or figuratively).
not drinking might be a struggle some days but it HAS to be better than living like that ... who wants to go THERE again and feel so desperately empty ...[blech].
Hi, glad to have found another sober blogger... Thanks Belle...
ReplyDeleteI recall just wanting to drink my fill, waiting for my wife to go to bed so I could drink unobserved, putting bottles it the bin outside so they wouldn't be noticed, feeling how proud I was that had this presence of thought. Remembering to take headache tablets before going to bed and drinking liters of water. Telling myself I was functioning, being the only one having a drink, however inappropriate.
I look forward to following your progress, take care and stay sober, Paul.
Those times I would be perfectly loaded, on the way to bed, about to sleep, and guzzle a few blasts out of my wife's open wine bottle in the kitchen.... I call it insanity, it is really the only explanation I have.
ReplyDeleteWOW~ you give me a lot to think about...all of it so real and close to home. I check in with you daily since I found your blog last week. Be strong, your doing great! Keep bloging, it is helping you and others and I thank you!
ReplyDeleteMommaB
Yes, yes, yes, I totally get that! I had to laugh at many moments of my past when I read "I felt a little panicked and was secretly finishing everyone's wine glasses in the kitchen..." ~ if I ever wrote a memoir, this image would definitely be on the cover. Once the switch was on, that was it. I just kept pouring more and more of that lovely wine down my throat. Couldn't fathom how anyone could actually leave anything in their glass ~ my alcoholism is definted by "want" and "more".
ReplyDeleteYou are very in touch with yourself, which is a very good place to be. ~ Lulu