1/27/14 (Mon) OK by past standards, but not anymore and sneaking drinks

SO I wanted to be true to my promise to keep a journal of my progress although I would really rather just ignore all of this... Friday I didn't drink at all and was fine with it. Saturday I was invited to a basketball game.  My sister had a glass of wine out when I got to her house and I found myself stealing sips from her glass - probably had no more than 1/3 a glass.  Went to the game.  Had a beer with her.  Then found myself offering to go get the kids food and drank another beer while walking around getting food by myself.  I didn't drink anything yesterday.

Now, in the past, I would have been ecstatic to not have drank Sunday through Friday and then only had a little over two on Saturday.  But I don't feel good about it.  One - it makes me grumpy,  not hung over/and I did sleep fine, but a little tired and irritable.  I don't know if my body just can't physically handle even small amounts anymore or if it is the disappointment in myself that I am drinking at all.

More than that I think it is becoming increasingly clear that it is more about "how" I drink.  I was sneaking on Saturday.  I only partly agreed to go to the game bc I, kind of subconsciously, knew there was a better chance that I would be able to drink if I went than if I stayed home.  The wanted a drink so bad at my sister's house - even came back in to "get something" so I could sneak one last sip.  I couldn't wait to buy her that drink, just so I could get mine.  And I volunteered to get the food just to have that second drink.  I told myself I was allowing myself two (that's not so bad) and by God I was having those two.

Not sure I am happy at all with that mindset.  Even though it was only two, I am pretty sure it would not classify as a healthily relationship with alcohol.

Sunday Football

Well..I live in Denver so I am sure you can imagine what football was like here yesterday.  I decided to have family over for the game.  I made a bunch of food, big pot of chili and was really looking forward to it - like in the past when I new I could drink.  My sister brought in a bottle of wine and had it opened by 1:30.  I looked at it, contemplated, and thought...not yet, still cooking, would rather have a clear head than get that whole hyper, distracted thing going on.  Over the course of the next 2-3 hours I went to my wine glasses 3 times to get one out and changed my mind. I went to the garage twice to get a beer and changed my mind.  I wasn't having an inner battle with myself, I wasn't trying to talk myself out of it...it actually seemed like I was trying to talk myself into it - and I didn't really want any.  Finally I poured a glass of wine, had three sips and dumped it out.  I jsus honestly didn't want it.  It didn't taste good, I was enjoying my clear head and my calm behavior, I didn't want to wake up with heart palpitations and hot sweats on my birthday.  I just really didn't want any.  I loved that feeling.. I hope it sticks around.

1/19/14 (Sun) 3 glasses of wine

Yup, I had three glasses of wine last night.  I can't even explain why.  We went to dinner with my sister for my birthday and I just wanted to.  I didn't really think about it, I just did it.  Nothing crazy happened last night.  I was just a nice, enjoyable, relaxing night out.  Was home and in bed by 10:30 so feel OK today.  I did wake up at 1:30 with heart palpitations and night sweats.  I know that it was the alcohol.  Just doesn't seem like my body can tolerate it at all anymore.

I don't know what is next.  I sure do like the feeling of absing more than the feeling of drinking - I do know that.   I do know that I am going to keep posting my journey.  Usually, I just drop off the grid when I drink. I guess maybe I don't ever want to be accountable to the most important person in my life - me.

I will not/ can not spend the day beating myself up.  I've got a bunch of people coming over for the football game today.  My plan is to not drink.

1/18/14 (Sat) Future Thoughts - doing good

I am doing great right in this moment.  Have no cravings at all to drink even though it is a weekend.  I really am pleasantly surprised at how at peace I am with the situation in the moment.  What is bothering me right now is the future.  Will I drink in the future?  Will I get through this 6 months?  Will I drink after that?  I am still having a hard time seeing myself as never having another drink again.  Well, I guess that's what they mean buy one day at a time.  I will focus on today and how glad I am to feel rested, calm, relaxed, motivated and in a pretty good mood.  The sun is shining and the wind isn't blowing (for the first time in days).  I am just going to do my best to enjoy this day, this moment and worry about tomorrow, next week, next month when it gets here.

Escape

I just love this picture.  To me it represents how alcohol has been keeping me fenced in.  I have just lived for the weekends so I could drink.  And then I just recovered from the weekend.  I never really wanted to deal with anything (finances, relationships, commitments, etc).  I feel like I am slowly releasing the chains alcohol has on me so that I can move on to better times (greener pastures).

My mantra

Monday, Monday

I actually went to work today hydrated, well rested and clear headed.  Well that certainly is a nice change for a Monday!  No cravings at all this last weekend which is amazing.  We went out to dinner Saturday and normally I would be thinking about how terrible it would be without a drink, but we had been there previously when I had been absing so I had that connection to being there without drinking.  Having that prior experience sure helps. I think you just need to get through everything once without alcohol and then it doesn't seem as scary.

Vacation?

Day 12

I am so nervous about putting down Day 12.  Something inside of me doesn't want to "officially" count days.  Maybe it is my fear of failure.  Maybe it is my constant worry about how I will get through the all inclusive Caribbean vacation we have scheduled for July.  I think somewhere in my head I am still thinking I will drink on that vacation.  And somehow I have my self convinced that it will be OK - that I will only drink during that week and only that week and then quit again.  I can't seem to wrap my head around not being able to have a drink when we first arrive, on the deck looking at the ocean, on the beach in my lounge chair, by the pool with the swim up bar where everyone is partying, at dinner, watching the sunset - it causes me a lot on anxiety and worry to even think about it.

My plan for right now - don't drink for today and try not to thin about the future.  My greatest hope would be that July would roll around, I would have all these months under my belt and I just wouldn't care anymore.  That I wouldn't even want to drink and be perfectly fine with the decision.  My fear is that I just go through these few months not counting up the days of sobriety, but counting down the days until I can drink.

My Party

Day 11

So I didn't go tot he party  last night and I was fine with that.  I saw others getting in their car after work to head over and I thought about the anticipation I would have felt if I were going and drinking.  I used to feel like I just couldn't get there fast enough.  Sometimes I would go home and "freshen up" a bit before while also loosening up with a beer.  Although I felt a little twinge of that, I wasn't jealous.

I had to pick my son up at high school and get him something to eat (15 yo starving boy) so I couldn't have gone right after anyway.  If I didn't go right away, the anticipation would go away and sometimes I wouldn't go anyway - lesson - just wait it out, it will pass.

I woke up this morning wondering how  I would have had I gone and drank (like before).  Many times when I went to these work parties I drank so  much, got home really late and felt terrible the next day.  I am embarrassed to say, a couple times I even drove home when  I knew I shouldn't have.  Who knows maybe last night would have been the night I got a DUI, or God forbid gotten into an accident.  Maybe last night would have been the night that  I was saying, "I am so stupid!  I knew I had a problem!  Why did I let it get this far?  Why din't I just stop?"  I know deep down in my gut and in my sole and in my heart that if I don't stop something terrible is going to happen.  I am not a "doomsdayer" but I just know this path I am going down can not lead anywhere good.  Even if nothing terrible happens, nothing will get better - I will still be fighting this drug that is ruining my inner being.

Instead, last night, my husband, son and 19 yo daughter (who isn't home all that often) had a "Breaking Bad" marathon with plenty of popcorn and juice spiked club soda.  It was way more satisfying and felt so much better in my heart than if I was at that party ignoring my family just so I could drink!  Today I am not 100% - woke up with a headache and still feel tired, but I am proud of myself and don't have a hangover!

Party invitations!

I was leaving school today, and my fiends yelled across the parking lot, "Are you going to go to the holiday party tomorrow after school?"  I said no.  They looked disappointed.  This makes me a little sad.  I love to feel included and wanted and I know we could and would have a great time - it has happened many times in the past.  There was a little voice inside my head that said, "Go ahead, no one would now.  You don't need to explain yourself to you blog readers of your online support group.  Who cares?  It would be fun - like old times."  It made me a little sad because I don't want to drink, and I don't want to go if I can't drink.  Urghhh

Annoying People

Today I was thinking about how I behave when I am drinking.  I started thinking about this woman at the gym, probably my age, pretty, thin, ANNOYING!  She really is pretty nice if you talk to her in person - I have known her for a few years, but to watch her from a distance is so irritating.  She is so loud.  She wants everyone to hear her, to notice her.  She talks loudly even if the person she is talking to is right next to her, as if she thinks everyone else in the gym will be fascinated by what she is talking about.  We go into the yoga room. Most people are just sitting there - she is doing a headstand!

They say the things that most bug you in people are probably things you don't like about yourself.  Well, I think I am that person when I am drinking at a party.  I am soo loud, want everyone's attention and think I am just the shit.  I wonder if people look at me at parties the same way I look at her at the gym????  Probably....Well, that's embarrassing!

Pick your hard

Last night I was going through some of my old posts from my abstinent periods to try to figure out how long it took for me to stop being so tired.

I ran across a post that talked about a friend of mine.  She was going to Weight Watchers at the time.  The counselor said, "Being fat is hard...losing weight is hard...pick your hard."

I think it can also apply to alcohol in my life  "Drinking is hard.....not drinking is hard.....pick your hard."

When I drink on the weekends, I have figured our that 6 hours of drinking takes me 60 hours to recover from.  I think that answers the question.

Day 6 - hope it gets better

I am a teacher and today is my first day back after what was supposed to be a rejuvenating, relaxing, take care of myself 2 weeks off,  Instead I drank 7 of the 16 days off and had 3 hangovers, one of which I am still feeling the effects of.  I could not sleep at all last night - maybe got 4 hours.  I am so tired it.  It sucks to pull yourself out of bed thinking "Well let's get this over with" - as in the whole day! Like- let's get the day over with so I can get back to bed.  Was super sensitive yesterday, got in a stupid fight with 19 yo dd.  And all I keep thinking about is the all inclusive Caribbean vacation I booked for 6 months from now!  How am I going to do it? Can I go without drinking? Should I just drink that one week? What a waste of money if I don't!  I know - stupid! Just keeping it real.
Well - let's get this day over with - at least the kids aren't back today :(

Breaking Bad and an interesting life

My question for the day is "How do I make life interesting without alcohol?"

We have been making our way through the Breaking Bad series and I love this show!  Especially Jessie!  I think I resonate with his addiction struggles.  He is addicted to meth which makes him way worse than me haha! He said something in one of the episodes - "It just makes everything more interesting."

I thought a lot about that and I think the same is true for me.  We went to dinner last night with our extended family.  Some were drinking a little, some weren't drinking, I wasn't drinking at all.  I really didn't miss drinking.  I really would rather have a clear head, be able to drive, not get so loud or have to be the center of attentions and I certainly was glad waking up hangover free...but...it just gets soooo boring!

I get bored with people, conversations, situations, activities that with a glass (or 5) of wine would become much more interesting.  Granted I wasn't really listening to anything anyone had to say when drinking, not in a genuine, attentive way, but everyone and everything is just more interesting under the influence.  Why is that?

I have a dear friend who likes to talk A LOT about herself and her problems.  I could sit and "talk" with her for hours with a glass (or 5) of wine.  Now I am bored after 10 minutes.

This was one of my biggest struggles during my last 255 sober days - boredom.  My boredom even started turing into - What's the point? What is my purpose? What even matters?  Why do we even live this mundane, boring existence?

How does life stay interesting sober??????

So Far So Good

I got up this morning and went to yoga! It is beautifully snowy here and yoga was fantastic. It is so nice to wake up on a Saturday without any sort of a hangover!  Going to dinner tonight with the whole family.  I am sure they will question why I am not drinking AGAIN, I am just going to say, "Time for another break!  Got to get into that swimsuit this summer." I am sure they will either roll their eyes or be happy for me, but I am sure that no one will be surprised.

I belong to this absers online support group, and one of its very wise members had responded to another member.  Buried in the text were these 5 tiny little words that pretty much say it all for me....

 If nothing changes, nothing changes.

End of Day 3

Finally, finally I feel better tonight!  I have some energy back, my heart rate has stopped racing, my anxiety is a little better and I feel at peace with my decision - at least for the moment!I forgot how somehow freeing it can be to just know I am not drinking this weekend.  Like at least for the moment the mental battle has subsided. My brain feels a little calmer, a little more relaxed.  One day/weekend at a time.  Sometimes is really stresses me out to think about next weekend or my birthday in a couple of weeks or a vacation 6 months from now. I am going to try to just focus on the here and now and right now I am glad I am not drinking,

1/3/14 (Fri) Day 3 - again - this one sucks!

Well, I knew this was going to be a doozy of a hangover.  Every time I binge drink (which for me  4 or more in one evening  - either Friday or Sat) it gets a little worse.  New Year's Eve  was way worse than that so I knew it was going to be bad.  I am going to keep a diary of this hell so I can look at it later when that bastard addictive voice comes calling!

Day 1 - felt like complete shit - spent the whole day in bed, couldn't focus on anything, couldn't even get the motivation to do the dishes or put in a load of laundry, laid in bed most of the day waiting for it to pass.  So tired (went to bed at 3:30 and woke up at 8:00 with head and heart pounding).  I wanted to sleep so bad but couldn't.  Restless exhaustion!  I hate it! My heart was pounding - doing somersaults, my head was spaced out, unable to focus, lagging, tried to read - couldn't, tried to watch TV-couldn't, all I could do was lay there and hope the hours would pass quickly.  Mood - extremely agitated, extreme anxiety, depression, anger over what I had said to people (it kept creeping into my thoughts and I had to just close my eyes and push them away), extreme guilt for my kids seeing me this way - please just let it be time to go to bed!

Day 2 - didn't sleep well - so tired - supposed to go to the gym with dd - blew her off - all day I had flu like symptoms - I did get some stuff done - laundry and grocery store but just didn't feel well - a little nauseous, body aches, hot flashes, rapid heart rate, anxiety...in the past I would have blamed it on something else - getting sick, eating like crap the day before, stress of the holidays. That is BS - this is detox!  My 120 pound, 45 year old body just can't take that kind of poisoning any more - I am still physically sick from alcohol.  Blaming it on anything else would be denial.  I know a lot of alcoholics drink to feel better - for me it never really occurs to me to do that until I feel better in 4 or 5 more days - how convenient and ironic - the next weekend! So then I just start the whole process over - Sunday - Day 1 - feel terrible, Monday - Day 2 - at work (which lately I have been calling in sick on Tuesday because I  have extreme anxiety at work on Monday - I guess I can't say that it doesn't interfere with my job anymore), Tuesday - Day 3 - still feel tired, Wednesday - Day 4 - starting to feel better (finally!), Thursday - Day 5 - promising not to drink this weekend, Friday - Drink!, Saturday - Drink! Sunday - Day 1! over and over and over and over and over..............

Day 3 - Today - had tons of dreams last night, but didn't sleep well.  I would have these stressful dreams - running from something, hiding, witnessing my cousin going through detox, and then I would wake up in a jolt. I am usually hot at night but last night I was FREEZING! I had all my jammies, a sweatshirt, three blankets and huge socks on and  just couldn't warm up.  I felt cold from the inside and kept having these waves of chills run through me - that's a new one! Plus i kept havin g this jabbing feeling in my brain, like someone was running a poker through my skull - that was fun!  I do feel a little better this morning, however  I feel like I am just trudging through my day :(

1/2/14 (Thus) Well....here goes....again....Done! (dh not speaking/disastrous Christmas/morning drinking)

So I posted quite a bit in November, getting to what seemed to be my breaking point again.  I went into great detail at the number of days I had been sober in the past and how I had slowly been slipping since I decided to try moderating again last spring.  Well. obviously, I didn't stop because I stopped posting.  Not only did I not stop, but I got worse.  Since my last post, I have drank every weekend, usually to the point of having a hangover and the holidays were a disaster.  It started the Sunday before Christmas.  I wasn't drinking, but had over the weekend so I was probably tired, depressed, having anxiety - you know the typical bullshit after drinking.  My husband and I got in a huge fight over something really stupid and didn't talk to each other until Thursday - yes...over Christmas.  I have to kids - 19 and 15 - who were pretty upset over the whole thing.  I know the fight was justified on my part (of course) and I hadn't been drinking but I do believe the ever increasing amount of alcohol I had been drinking over the past few months, were making me generally depressed, anxious and extremely moody, which added a bunch of fuel to my anger which blew the fight up into something bigger than it needed to be.

On Christmas Day I did something for the first time ever.  I was so stressed out about not talking to my husband, sure we were heading for divorce, upset for my children and having 15 people over for dinner, that I went to the garage and guzzled a beer at 11:00 in the morning just to be able to cope.  This is something I haven't ever done before.  Sure I have hidden my drinking and guzzled in private.  I don't hardly ever drink in the morning but it has happened before on vacation.  What was new was they feeling that I "needed" it to be able to cope.  Usually when I am upset or angry I don't want to drink.  I usually drink out of happiness or even boredom, but not as a fully admittable coping mechanism.  I then brought in 3 beers - one for me, one for my mom and one for my sister.  I set them down on the counter with a "It's 5:00 somewhere comment" and cracked it open with a "I could give a shit what you all think - I am drinking this beer and you better shut up about it!" attitude.  That is also new behavior for me.  Well, I switched to wine and drank all damn day.  I had also had plenty the night before when I broke down in tears to my sisters and mom about how  mad I was my dh, which I regretted most of what I had said the next day.  I was mean and nasty and cussing and cruel.  At the time of drinking, I don't think I look, sound or am acting drunk at all.  Then the next day, I realize I made a fool of myself.

As if that wasn't bad enough, we went to a New Year's Eve party in the neighborhood, in which I stayed until 3:30 am getting pretty hammered apparently.  Again, I didn't feel that drunk at the time, but I had one of the worst hangovers I have every had yesterday - never got out of bed, rapid heart beat, sweating, etc....I asked my dh if I seemed drunk bc I didn't really feel like it at the time.  He probably wouldn't have said anything unless I asked but since I did, he informed be of my behavior and the things I was saying (which I had forgotten about) and once again I made a total ass of myself - while at the same time feeling completely in control at the moment.

Funny how alcohol doesn't even allow you to see how out of control you are getting - it is like a veil of complete bullshit in your own mind. Then,  my kids are telling me, "It's OK mom,  It was New Years. Everyone drinks too much.  Don't beat yourself up."  How terrible that I have my kids living in the same sense of denial, trying to make their hung over, drunk ass mom feel better because of her self inflicted poisoning of her own body!  Boy, that sure it setting a good example!

I AM DONE!!!!!!