My Party

Day 11

So I didn't go tot he party  last night and I was fine with that.  I saw others getting in their car after work to head over and I thought about the anticipation I would have felt if I were going and drinking.  I used to feel like I just couldn't get there fast enough.  Sometimes I would go home and "freshen up" a bit before while also loosening up with a beer.  Although I felt a little twinge of that, I wasn't jealous.

I had to pick my son up at high school and get him something to eat (15 yo starving boy) so I couldn't have gone right after anyway.  If I didn't go right away, the anticipation would go away and sometimes I wouldn't go anyway - lesson - just wait it out, it will pass.

I woke up this morning wondering how  I would have had I gone and drank (like before).  Many times when I went to these work parties I drank so  much, got home really late and felt terrible the next day.  I am embarrassed to say, a couple times I even drove home when  I knew I shouldn't have.  Who knows maybe last night would have been the night I got a DUI, or God forbid gotten into an accident.  Maybe last night would have been the night that  I was saying, "I am so stupid!  I knew I had a problem!  Why did I let it get this far?  Why din't I just stop?"  I know deep down in my gut and in my sole and in my heart that if I don't stop something terrible is going to happen.  I am not a "doomsdayer" but I just know this path I am going down can not lead anywhere good.  Even if nothing terrible happens, nothing will get better - I will still be fighting this drug that is ruining my inner being.

Instead, last night, my husband, son and 19 yo daughter (who isn't home all that often) had a "Breaking Bad" marathon with plenty of popcorn and juice spiked club soda.  It was way more satisfying and felt so much better in my heart than if I was at that party ignoring my family just so I could drink!  Today I am not 100% - woke up with a headache and still feel tired, but I am proud of myself and don't have a hangover!