That is how I feel. My weekend was OK. Friday I was on the fence about calling anyone to hang out. The weather was crappy and I was tired but restless. i just get so bored when I am by myself. I kept hoping someone would call me. I didn't want to initiate but sure would have been up for getting together if someone would have called me. I was trying to figure out why. Is it because I wanted to drink? Or because I was just so bored? Well I decided that I would have a beer anyway all by myself. I had 2. I was trying to analyze what it was doing for me. It did help me relax a little. I was able to just sit down and watch TV, but I don't think it made me feel peaceful or happy. I got really grumpy. Again, I don't know if it was bc I was drinking or bc I was bored.
Saturday I had 2 glasses of wine with dinner.
Sunday the same thing happened. I was in a pissy mood all weekend. i needed to cook dinner and just didn't feel like doing all the prep work without a beer. So I had two. It helped me enjoy the cooking, but I wouldn't say it made me happy or joyful. Then I just got really tired and went to bed.
Today I am of course tired, a little foggy, unmotivated. I didn't have a hangover all weekend but I just don't feel 100%. I am really starting to wonder if it is worth it. I thought I would be so happy when I allowed myself a beer or glass of wine as long as I didn't get a hangover. Well I don't feel that happy. I don't seem to be able to be happy with it or without it.
You know, k, AA uses the term dry alcoholic for a person that doesn't drink but still has the behaviors of the alcoholic. Maybe there is a similar phenomenon when you try to moderate, you're still denying yourself after all, you're not letting yourself drink as much as you want to. Here is a pretty good article on the definition of a dry drunk. It's probably not anything you don't already know but sometimes it helps to know that what we are going through is nothing new and there are solutions out there. http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/info/a/aa081397.htm
ReplyDeleteWhen reading your posts, I feel like you are talking about me a year ago. It's really not worth it to have a drink if you are an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease and it shouldn't be dealt with lightly. I feel so much better now and I don't have those ridiculous fights with myself anymore about how much I can drink. I invite you to read my blog to see how far I have come. I sure hope I haven't come across as self righteous. Linda :)
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