Monday, September 5, 2016

9/5/16 (Mon) What is wrong with me!!!!????? Drank all 3 days

I don't understand how I can be so convinced I won't drink and then I do.

Friday - get to my sister's house - she has wine open - she has a glass sitting out waiting for me and I just drink it - end up drinking 3 glasses.  Why? Why is there no voice in my head in that moment that says - you aren't drinking this weekend?  It's not like I even have the conversation with myself. I just drink the wine...that simple.

Saturday - do not drink at dinner (had a stomach ache so didn't feel that great) - go to the neighborhood party. The women are sitting around a table talking and drinking wine - I immediately get a glass and drink 3 glasses of wine...why???  What happened to my voice - it didn't even show up!!

Sunday - have family over - start drinking at 2:30 while preparing dinner (one of my favorite activities to drink with) and end up have 5 beers over the course of 6 hours.

I didn't get wasted this weekend, didn't have a hangover (although a little tired) and still had energy to get stuff done.  I am on estrogen now which seems to help my moods and make me not beat myself up for drinking but I still just sit her scratching my head wondering why????

Why doesn't the "you aren't drinking this weekend voice" even register? Like it isn't even a whisper? I just don't even think about it and just drink?  I don't understand why I am not strong enough to even get through one weekend when I was so certain and determined to all week.

I can type and plan and think and get excited and blog and analyze and dream and hope but as soon as I am in a social situation and that glass of wine is sitting there, none of it means anything...I don't even think about all that stuff I was thinking the day before or even that morning.

I need to do something differently, I just don't know what.  I am not going to meetings...I know that for sure.  Maybe, as Kary May, suggested I should be getting support from an online group.  But which one?  I'm on mm but sometimes that is hard bc I read about people who are successfully moderating which makes me think I could probably/maybe do but really don't want to.

I'm on mmabsers and everyone there is so nice and supportive but I think they must just get really tired of the same of BS from me for years and years. Maybe SMART - I am very analytical and maybe it would give me some different tools other that "Life is great can do it!"   Don't get me wrong I love getting that input and it does motivate me to try but doesn't seem to be helping me say no when that glass of wine is sitting right in front of me on a Friday night. Life just seems so much better (in that moment) if I enjoy that glass of wine.

Maybe I just truly don't want to be accountable to anyone else except myself...I have let myself down so many times that it doesn't really matter anymore...I really don't know if I believe in myself anymore.

Anybody had any luck with any online support group? Any suggestions for someone who doesn't always do well with the sappy stuff but appreciated brutal honesty and a swift kick in the butt every so often?  I need some new tools in my toolbox.

I know, deep down in my soul, my purpose in life is to be a shiny, happy sober person that everyone (including myself) is proud of.  That I am a beacon of hope and light in this alcohol soaked world for others.  That they can also give up this stupid drug and actually be happy. I can feel it...deep down there...struggling to be realized...I just don't know how to make it happen...

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1 comment:

  1. SMART as some great tools and worksheets, their philosophy is that the power is inside you-you've just got to learn to use it. I particularly think their belief about adopting a VACI (Vital Absorbing Creative Interest) is important. Although you won't fall in love right away, you've got to find something you love more than booze and you have to love it enough not to want to risk it by drinking. You'd think our kids and spouses would be important enough, wouldn't you? I think the mistake we make is believing that we can still our best by them and continue to drink. Not true. I think we need to make ourselves our VACI, that shiny happy sober person you want to be sounds like a wonderful creative interest.