Monday, September 19, 2016

9/19/16 (Mon) manic, primal, destructive, compulsive, irrational

I feel pretty at peace with my decision to stop drinking this morning.  Even though I still feel crappy, I woke up with a smile. I think talking to my sister yesterday helped.  She is my one remaining road block (besides my own self) that keeps me drinking.

When I quit for 9 months I realized that no one cared what I was doing. People were perfectly fine drinking whether I was or not.  That was a huge fear. I thought everyone would be so disappointed that I wasn't drinking and would give me a hard time.  That did not happen.  I did become isolated but that was my own choice. I was still invited to everything I just chose not to go.

My sister, however, may be disappointed bc it is usually just me and her drinking - not in a party situation where she has other people to drink with.  I am determined to not let my non drinking effect how much we hang out.  I will just have to prove to her that we can still sit in the sun on one of our patios, hang out and talk...just that same...except I will be drinking something other than alcohol.

My dh asked me if I continue to drink bc of everyone else.  I told him that I don't think so - not anymore. I used to, but that 9 months of sobriety showed me people don't care what I do so I got over that. I told him I continue to drink bc the voice in my head wants me to. I don't even want to say "because I want to" because I know that ultimately "I" don't want to drink anymore. It isn't me that continues to put that poison in my body - that is not me - it is my addiction.  I need to own that addiction, understand it, and control it.  Right now it controls me. I keep it locked away for a few days or a couple weeks or maybe even months, but eventually it always manages to break free and make me do things I don't want to do. It's like it just goes into hiding for a while but never really leaves. I am going to visualize it like a little Tasmanian devil (just manic, primal, destructive, compulsive, irrational) that I keep locked up in my brain.  It is not me...that is not me. I think I need to separate myself from my addiction. See it as a different entity.  Maybe  then I can keep it locked up where it belongs.  When "she" ties to get out- I need to force her back in that cage where she belongs.  She will always live in me but I am stronger.  I am tired of letting a manic, primal, destructive, irrational thing ruin my life.  I am actually a little angry.

Also, maybe I need some help other than this blog - any suggestions other than attending a meeting. Any online support groups any of you found particularly supportive, positive and helpful.  Don't get me wrong - I love all the support I get here, I just maybe need more "live" conversation when my "devil" is trying to escape - life a chat room that is available at all times.

Image result for tasmanian devil cartoon behind bars


  1. WFS, SMART, One Year No Beer, Hello Sunday Morning, The Rooms, Sober REcovery...find the one that speaks to you then get busy sewing the next bright block in this patchwork journey of yours. You've been sewing houndstooth zig-zag patterned blocks for too long, I want to see some daisies and smiley faced pattern blocks, a trip back to childlike wonder. Flower Power and dorkiness!

  2. Sounds like a good decision and you sound clear about it! I very much like Mrs D's "Living Sober" website They are a friendly, helpful bunch. There are often people there and they are smart and funny and very supportive, very down to earth. If you haven't checked it out, maybe give it a try. Holly Whittaker at Hip Sobriety also has some kind of online group that people find very helpful, and it's more North American than New Zealand/Australian, if you'd prefer to chat with people close to home, of if you just want two groups. You have to contact her for details. Good luck! xo

  3. Thanks you guys. I have been to most of those sights but haven't checked to see if they have any message boards.