Monday, September 19, 2016
9/19/16 (Mon) manic, primal, destructive, compulsive, irrational
I feel pretty at peace with my decision to stop drinking this morning. Even though I still feel crappy, I woke up with a smile. I think talking to my sister yesterday helped. She is my one remaining road block (besides my own self) that keeps me drinking.
When I quit for 9 months I realized that no one cared what I was doing. People were perfectly fine drinking whether I was or not. That was a huge fear. I thought everyone would be so disappointed that I wasn't drinking and would give me a hard time. That did not happen. I did become isolated but that was my own choice. I was still invited to everything I just chose not to go.
My sister, however, may be disappointed bc it is usually just me and her drinking - not in a party situation where she has other people to drink with. I am determined to not let my non drinking effect how much we hang out. I will just have to prove to her that we can still sit in the sun on one of our patios, hang out and talk...just that same...except I will be drinking something other than alcohol.
My dh asked me if I continue to drink bc of everyone else. I told him that I don't think so - not anymore. I used to, but that 9 months of sobriety showed me people don't care what I do so I got over that. I told him I continue to drink bc the voice in my head wants me to. I don't even want to say "because I want to" because I know that ultimately "I" don't want to drink anymore. It isn't me that continues to put that poison in my body - that is not me - it is my addiction. I need to own that addiction, understand it, and control it. Right now it controls me. I keep it locked away for a few days or a couple weeks or maybe even months, but eventually it always manages to break free and make me do things I don't want to do. It's like it just goes into hiding for a while but never really leaves. I am going to visualize it like a little Tasmanian devil (just manic, primal, destructive, compulsive, irrational) that I keep locked up in my brain. It is not me...that is not me. I think I need to separate myself from my addiction. See it as a different entity. Maybe then I can keep it locked up where it belongs. When "she" ties to get out- I need to force her back in that cage where she belongs. She will always live in me but I am stronger. I am tired of letting a manic, primal, destructive, irrational thing ruin my life. I am actually a little angry.
Also, maybe I need some help other than this blog - any suggestions other than attending a meeting. Any online support groups any of you found particularly supportive, positive and helpful. Don't get me wrong - I love all the support I get here, I just maybe need more "live" conversation when my "devil" is trying to escape - life a chat room that is available at all times.