Friday, September 16, 2016

9/16/16 (Fri) You aren't fat and you don't have a drinking problem...

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I'm going to go for sober weekend #2.  I know I feel better when I don't drink and I really want to get off by butt, start working out and lose this 20 pounds that is making me not be able to wear 80% of the clothes in my closet.  I always wait until Monday to start working out and then don't actually get my butt out of bed to work out.  i'm going to start tomorrow.  Instead of waking up being tired and slightly hung over tomorrow, I am going to use that time to finally start working out again.  Five years ago I weighted 125 pounds (at 5'4"). Now I weigh 145 and I feel horrible.

Its kinda weird.  I think it might be a little like alcohol.  I look in the mirror but I don't really "see" the weight I have gained.  I think I have just gotten used to it - used tot he mediocrity of it all.  I am afraid that after my whole life of being fit and in shape, I may now be the frumpy, over weight, baggy eyed "older" teacher that I said I would never be.

I am still fun and happy and positive and love my job, but I don't think my outside appearance matches that inward feeling.  I wore yoga pants and black shirts all summer - every fall I tell myself I will work out so I can actually get my shorts out again next summer.  Yoga pants never tell you that you are putting on weight - they just happily stretch with you and don't look half bad (in my opinion). I put on a pair of dress slacks yesterday and once I got them on was disgusted.  They were tighter than yoga pants and looked and felt terrible.  These sorta fit me last spring, 5 years ago they would have been falling off.

People say, "Shut up - you aren't fat." but that 20 pounds is a lot and it makes me uncomfortable in my own skin.  It's that same as, "you don't have a drinking problem." I let all those other voices help keep me stuck in my ways.

Well guess what?  I do have a drinking problem and I am there!  I am not trying to put myself down, just trying to be real so I can stop denying and start changing!

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