Well..I can't sleep so I may as well write.
i was thinking about the name of my blog...searching for balance
Why did I choose that? I think in the beginning I chose it bc I wanted to be able to drink normally. To be able to balance drinking on the weekends with all of my other goals of being in shape, healthy, calm, rested...at peace. I was trying to find the balance between drinking too much and not drinking at all.
Well after all these years, I am not sure that balance exists for me. I also think the real balance I seek will never happen while I drink. I have talked about this before but I think drinking makes me have manic depressive mood swings. I slowly rev up for the weekend. When the weekend comes around, I get pretty hyped up and then once drinking I am very excitable, outgoing, loud, extremely talkative (to the point of dominating conversations). Then, the next day, I am withdrawn, quiet, depressed, sensitive and exhausted which lasts for a couple of days. This happens over and over and over.
I think I really might be ready to try something new. A new way of living. I just can;t decide what to commit to. 30 days? 60? 90? a year? I don't think that I have any confidence that I can even go without drinking for one weekend...let alone 30, 60, 90 or 365 days. I really want to and then I thin about this weekend. My dd is coming home Friday - will probably go out to dinner after we prck her up at the airport - a glass of wine would be nice. Saturday - invited to a friends party - a couple beers would be fun. Sunday - having my family over for dinner - always have a couple of drinks for that....
I know, at 4:00 am in the morning, that it wouldn't be a big deal if I didn't drink. I drank last year after we picked my daughter up, a couple of glasses of wine if I remember right, and wasn't happy after bc that isn't how I wanted to spend the evening with her. My girlfriend who is throwing the party doesn't drink at all. I have had family dinners in the past while not drinking. It is fine and has a far less chance of having any drama. I know if I drink this weekend it would realistically be 8-10 drinks which is 800-2000 extra calories. Plus I would go back to work on Tuesday without working out, tired, depressed and blah....again....over and over...week after week,... month after month...year after year...
The difficulty comes when it is actually Friday or Saturday or Sunday and in that moment I want to drink....that is when all my blogging, typing, planning, hoping goes out the window. Maybe it is immaturity to not be able to tell myself no. All of a sudden, in that moment, I am not that bad, I can control it, I can only have 2, I will make sure I take a naltrexone (which gives me terrible stomach cramps and constipates me for days - btw - so that's so worth it lol).
Why do I have to drink? Why does my weekend seem boring and dull without it? Why do I have a hard time socializing without it? Why can't I look forward to my weekends without it? Why do I feel lonely and isolated without it?
I really, really, really want to not drink this three day holiday weekend. I want to start working out again next week, to feel better, to eat better, to sleep better. But..... it is early in the morning as I type all these promises and only Wednesday. How do I keep that commitment to myself when the weekend actually roles around?
I thought this was interesting. It would be nice to talk about how much I love my sober life instead of how much I hate drinking....
Do you want to be happy? Do you want to take back control of your life? Do you want to have to not spend so much of your "mind time" worrying about whether you will drink or not? Do you want to enjoy waking up without all that angst? Do you want to sit there in the early morning sun sipping on your coffee thinking "I feel great!!"?
ReplyDeleteIn my humble opinion you need to drop all the day counting and just DO IT!! Let it go!! Alcohol doesn’t bring us joy, that’s an illusion it/we create. Sure I’m happy when I drink, BUT then I’m miserable. I’m tired of being miserable. AND I’m so happy when I’m not constantly rewinding the tape do I drink or not. You CAN do this. Life is so much better when you just say “I’m done!! I want to control my life, not have alcohol do it for me.” How many regrets does it take?
You CAN do this hon!! Just …. Let….it….go….surrender. And who cares if its 30/60 or 90? Every day sober is a blessing, just live each day as if it were your last. I quit drinking 8 days ago, I started back at the gym this past Monday, and I feel so hopeful, so good. Just my humble opinion, but I am pulling for you. I like sober me better than drunk me, and so do most of the people around me (though why I can’t figure out – I thought I was the life of the party - snort – lol!!!) Big hugs. To thine own self be true. Audrey
100% agree
DeleteI'm sorry..after rereading that it sounded kind of harsh...that wss not my intent at all. Just wishing for you what I have right now. I can so identify with you, the constant struggles, just want you to know you are not alone. Hugs. A
ReplyDeleteEnvision how it can be possible to not drink. A bit of planning might help, re-framing activities. Such as....
ReplyDeleteFriday - will probably go out to dinner after we prck her up at the airport - find a place that does not serve alcohol. It's a chance to try a new restaurant. Saturday - invited to a friends party - take non-alcohol drinks, enough for me and others to share. There's always the option to not go, or arrive late and leave early. Sunday - having my family over for dinner - don't serve alcohol. Create a delightful non-alcohol drink, or find a recipe. Maybe one that will pair well with the food. Always have a glass of it in your hand.
Create new scenarios. I listen to Monty Python: And now for something completely different. I have always been a go with the flow kind of person, but it has helped to be ready to deal with the alcohol thing. It is not inevitable that you will drink in any situation, but what will you do instead?
There is this addictive voice that tells us whatever it needs to in order to keep the booze flowing to the brain. It defies intelligence, knowledge and experience. A formidable foe.
I wish you the best at your upcoming events. Thank you for your bravery in your blog posts. I am learning from you.
You are so right...about the voice that makes excuses for things so that I can justify drinking.
DeleteAlcohol is a powerful drug, and for some of us lucky ones, it can be so addictive.
ReplyDeleteI have been learning how to live life well without it, and it's not always easy, but it certainly has been good!
xo
Wendy
I'm going to ask this question for the umpteenth time, k. Why are you so determined to do this alone? Yes, you have your followers here, but most of us have been sober for a long time, you need the support of peers. There are lots of people signing up for rosters on the MM list and forum, anywhere from 30-90 days. they are fighting the same fight and have the same doubts, you would be a big support for them and they for you. If not MM, WFS or SMART or Sober Recovery. You don't have to do this alone, you don't have to be the only one afraid, learn to lean on others when you need them. A blog doesn't give you 24/7 support and a lot of us need that.
ReplyDeleteAll those lists are just a constant reminder of failure...i think if I don't commit to them then I don't run the risk of failing once again. Maybe you are right I and I will try one. Which would you recommend?
DeleteAlcohol is a depressant. You will never find balance and happiness with it in your life. I would get involved with a program personally. Women For Sobriety (WFS) is what worked for me.
ReplyDelete!00% agree about the depressant part. Not so much about the "meeting" part. That just sounds so grim
Deletemy husband had a shirt that said I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings.
DeleteI'm a drunk. Drunks go to parties.
It was funny...sort of...for a while. Eventually it seemed we just were too old for that kind of life. And meetings turned out to be strange,y interesting.
Your struggles are hard to read...they are just so familiar.
ReplyDeleteChoose sobriety. How about a year? Give yourself a real opportunity to experience an entire year of life. No decisions about drinks. Just zero.
Go to AA. Try it. Give it a chance.
I read your posts insisting you aren't addicted, yet you have physical withdrawl symptoms. This is scary, and it shows the alcohol is doing damage to you body and health.
I know it's scary, it seems weird, it might be boring for a bit...but it turns out to be the most invigorating and positive change imaginable. Choosing to love, instead of to endure between bouts of numbness.
Do it for you. You deserve happiness.
Anne
Oh I know I am addicted. I want to go a year but then just cave on the weekends and lose all confidence in my ability to keep my promises to myself
DeleteThe only way to regain that confidence is to do it.
ReplyDeleteI really understand. I had absolutely no faith in myself.
It took a long time to rebuild it.
It starts with day one.
Hug