Wednesday, August 31, 2016
8/31/16 (Wed) big plans for a sober weekend (doubtful but hopeful)
Well..I can't sleep so I may as well write.
i was thinking about the name of my blog...searching for balance
Why did I choose that? I think in the beginning I chose it bc I wanted to be able to drink normally. To be able to balance drinking on the weekends with all of my other goals of being in shape, healthy, calm, rested...at peace. I was trying to find the balance between drinking too much and not drinking at all.
Well after all these years, I am not sure that balance exists for me. I also think the real balance I seek will never happen while I drink. I have talked about this before but I think drinking makes me have manic depressive mood swings. I slowly rev up for the weekend. When the weekend comes around, I get pretty hyped up and then once drinking I am very excitable, outgoing, loud, extremely talkative (to the point of dominating conversations). Then, the next day, I am withdrawn, quiet, depressed, sensitive and exhausted which lasts for a couple of days. This happens over and over and over.
I think I really might be ready to try something new. A new way of living. I just can;t decide what to commit to. 30 days? 60? 90? a year? I don't think that I have any confidence that I can even go without drinking for one weekend...let alone 30, 60, 90 or 365 days. I really want to and then I thin about this weekend. My dd is coming home Friday - will probably go out to dinner after we prck her up at the airport - a glass of wine would be nice. Saturday - invited to a friends party - a couple beers would be fun. Sunday - having my family over for dinner - always have a couple of drinks for that....
I know, at 4:00 am in the morning, that it wouldn't be a big deal if I didn't drink. I drank last year after we picked my daughter up, a couple of glasses of wine if I remember right, and wasn't happy after bc that isn't how I wanted to spend the evening with her. My girlfriend who is throwing the party doesn't drink at all. I have had family dinners in the past while not drinking. It is fine and has a far less chance of having any drama. I know if I drink this weekend it would realistically be 8-10 drinks which is 800-2000 extra calories. Plus I would go back to work on Tuesday without working out, tired, depressed and blah....again....over and over...week after week,... month after month...year after year...
The difficulty comes when it is actually Friday or Saturday or Sunday and in that moment I want to drink....that is when all my blogging, typing, planning, hoping goes out the window. Maybe it is immaturity to not be able to tell myself no. All of a sudden, in that moment, I am not that bad, I can control it, I can only have 2, I will make sure I take a naltrexone (which gives me terrible stomach cramps and constipates me for days - btw - so that's so worth it lol).
Why do I have to drink? Why does my weekend seem boring and dull without it? Why do I have a hard time socializing without it? Why can't I look forward to my weekends without it? Why do I feel lonely and isolated without it?
I really, really, really want to not drink this three day holiday weekend. I want to start working out again next week, to feel better, to eat better, to sleep better. But..... it is early in the morning as I type all these promises and only Wednesday. How do I keep that commitment to myself when the weekend actually roles around?
I thought this was interesting. It would be nice to talk about how much I love my sober life instead of how much I hate drinking....