out of control
- 1.no longer possible to manage.
So two posts ago I am contemplating not drinking for a year. Then I have a horrendous hangover Sunday bc of too much wine Saturday. Then I go to an out of town work thing and drink Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night - so much that I feel like dog shit all day Thursday at the conference. I was having anxiety attacks, feel dizzy and nauseous all day. Now today I have my first day back to work and I am tired, bloated, have a headache, depressed, fat, unhealthy, want to just not go, worried everyone will look at me and think, "wow - she had a rough summer break". WE have to do all this dumb "team building" stuff which means I have to talk to people and fake how "good" I am doing when all I really want to do is crawl back in bead and cry. I started this summer break announcing to myself how it was going to be different. I wasn't going to drink every weekend, I wasn's going to waste any days with hangovers, I was going to take care of myself, get in shape and make it all better. I did pretty well in June but fell off the rails in July and August - why??? - bc I didn't drink in June. I am wasting my life with all this bullshit and I am sick of it!!!! I don;t even want to make a declaration of no drinking for 30 days, 1 year, ever...bc I know I will just fail. I am so sick of failing that I don;t even want to try any more.
and spiraling downward....
I just don't know what to do anymore. I know that answer is QUIT DRINKING!!! but I have known that for a long time...
How do I do that? How do I keep the commitment to myself and stop all of the mind games? How do I find the strength to say no - no matter how mad, sad, isolated, irritated, bored, lonely I feel?
How???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Just for today... Get through your work day. Plan, shop for and prepare your favorite dinner. Go for a walk. Go to sleep even if it's still light outside. You will wake up tomorrow rested with a solid alcohol free day under your belt. Repeat, add chocolate to the mix. Baby steps.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, k. Maybe it's time to call in bigger guns, get more support, go to meetings, or at least become active in an online support community. Being accountable to others was a powerful tool for me. Why don't you check out Women For Sobriety or SMART or Soberistas? There are so many great communities out there and you could be such an asset to any of them. You can't do this on your own, and you can't do this half-ass, you've got to give it all you've got and explore all your options. You're brave enough.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the void between "Knowing" and "doing" seems really wide. I agree with Kary May, maybe a bit more support is needed? All I can tell you is that your experience is not unique - I went through all of this for years before my mindset changed. And it changed out of literal fear - fear for my physical health and my relationship with my husband. After fear came hope - as sobriety made EVERYTHING better. But you have to give sobriety a chance. And sometimes you have to ask for help xx
ReplyDeleteYou can do this, you can change your life. But you do need more support. Please, please figure out which support you will start with. Online, in person meeting, maybe some medication from your Dr., Belle's 100 day challenge. Find a way to set yourself up for success as you take baby steps and tackle this one day, one hour, one minute at a time.
ReplyDeleteAlcohol is like an abusive ex. When you get away from it and start feeling better, it becomes easier to “forget” all the bad and romanticize the good times. And each time you go back, the unhealthy relationship progresses to another level. The only way to change that cycle is to really embrace that this is not a relationship that will EVER be good for you. It will never make you truly happy. And eventually it will kill you. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the real truth.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of the above especially Kary May, while this path may seem really challenging and lonely, try a meeting the love for those that go to their first meeting may seem overwhelming but it is a place where every person in the room understands your pain and wants you to be free of it. I am 10 months sober tomorrow and there is not one day I regret this choice although I could not ever imagine that 11 months ago. Reading blogs like Wine Bitch have helped me enormously. Good luck pulling for you.
ReplyDeleteHi. You're in the worst part of drinking, after it's just not fun anymore and it causes so much pain and you still hope the good times are coming back. But I don't think they are, not by drinking. And though it feels so lonely, there are so many of us here who have lived the same back and forth hell as you're in now, and who would help you of we could. Give yourself a break from it all and get some support. I don't know anyone who can do this alone. But with support, you can do this, and you will feel so much better when you do. Email me if I can do anything to help. Take care xo
ReplyDeleteExactly.
DeleteDear SFB,
ReplyDeleteI know I have been where you are.
It took some time, but when I finally accepted I had to stop, I got myself a LOT of support.
Katy May gave you great ideas. I loved Women for Sobriety, as well as AA, a therapist, a life coach, and friends and family.
I needed real people to help me.
For accountability, so I couldn't hide anymore.
I hope you rest and take care of yourself this weekend!
xo
Wendy
I feel for you in this time. It's an awful time. But, there is light. I did a lot of reading to. So many great books out there. This Naked Mind, Allen Carr's the Easyway to Quit Drinking, Mrs. D Goes Without. And more. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteYou just do.
ReplyDeleteIt won't be easy at first.
You clear the booze from th house, call an addictions therapist or sponsor or AA and ask for help.
You get up each morning and decide to not drink for that day. Period. No matter what.
Part of it is not revisiting this decision. Not trying to downplay how bad things are. Not pretending you were just socially drinking.
Deciding that drinking is not an option. For the day. And repeating.
It gets easier after a while. And eventually it becomes second nature. I wouldn't drinking today even if I could (which I absolutely could, not one would stop me). But my life is to good.
Let go of the moderation plans. Build your sober plan instead. You deserve this.
Anne