July was not great, but not the worst it has ever been. After a pretty much sober and very productive June, I had two vacations in July. Of the 14 total days of vacation, I only got out of hand one time (that is improvement) but I drank all 14 days - usually around 4 drinks per day. I am so bad on vacations. Now I am left here in my house, one week before school starts again feeling "dull". I can't figure out how else to describe it. I just feel numb, unmotivated, depressed, slothy, tired and uninspired. I am pretty sure it is an actual chemical thing that has to do with putting a depressant in my body 21 of the last 34 days. I don't think I am beating myself up mentally as I haven't gotten wasted except for that one time. I think the alcohol itself is making me depressed. I haven't taken my naltrexone all month. I have no idea why...maybe bc you have to take it one hour before drinking and when I want to drink I want to drink and I don't want to wait an hour.
Last night (a Wednesday night btw - WTF!!) I just sat on the couch, ate popcorn, watched mind numbing TV and drank 4 IPA (high alc content) beers. I have no idea why? My son (who just turned 18) came in the room and asked "Boredom drinking?" I guess - I don't know - more like numb, unmotivated, depressed, slothy, tired, uninspired drinking. Of course I went to bed without cleaning up the kitchen or brushing my teeth and woke up at 3:00 am. I was awake from 3:00 - 4:30 tossing and turning, sweating and contemplating.........
What if I took one year off from drinking. It's not "never". It's just one year out of my life. How would I feel? Would it erase these numb, unmotivated, depressed, slothy, tired, uninspired feelings I drag around with me all day? It's just one year out of my life....could I do it? would I fail? but what about dinner plans this weekend? what about a trip for school I am taking next week? what about the great breweries in Seattle everyone will want to go visit? what about the condo I have booked in the mountains for Sept 9? when I will finally give up the fight? when will I try something different? when won't there be excuses?
Why not just do it? Just say screw it...I'm not drinking for 365 days no matter what life throws at me? I am strong! I can do this! There are so many people that would support me and be proud of me. Those that don't want to be around me when I am not drinking...screw them! That is their problem. I need to do what is best for me! Fighting this addiction is no longer what is best for me. I have been stuck in this place of trying to moderate, trying to control, playing tug of war with this drug for too long. I have wasted to much of my life dragging myself through life. There has to be a better way. Enough is enough...enough struggling, misery, depression, anxiety, weight gain. Time to drop the rope. Everyone who quits drinking talks about how great it is. Sure it is hard at times but those pass and life in general is so much better...the day to day is better....I haven't ever heard anyone who quit say that they wish it could go back to the way it was. Maybe it is my time...my time to experience that... my time to see what life could be like without putting poison into my body every weekend. Maybe I should be done contemplating and just do it...what do I have to lose? A drug? I can be social and fun and happy without alcohol. I will prove it to myself and everyone else. I will be that person that inspires everyone else to do better bc I am doing it with a HAPPY HEART - bc I WANT to - bc it is my CHOICE! I will not isolate, complain, feel sorry for myself bc I can't put a stupid drug in my body bc I can if I want to - I just don't want to!
Phew!!!! That was an entire stream of thought flowing out of my fingertips.
Read Jason Vale's book Kick the Drink and the Big Book whether or not you think you are an alcoholic (a term I loath BTW). MartyB (I didn't binge drink by can't moderate alcohol - life is so much better sober (not drinking - sober another word I don't like...). All the best! (the Living Sober website is pretty awesome too)
ReplyDeleteThanks - I will check them out.
DeleteReally enjoyed this blog post. I am doing something similar. I said 'screw it' I am just going to see what happens if I dump the booze (and the bread, as am three stone overweight) for one year. Just think of nothing else, no other changes, just those. I am also thinking ' it's not forever - just try it and see.' I have been reading sober blogs for 3 years, and have an off-on approach to sobriety. But trying to moderate is not for me. So no booze for a year. I can revisit the decision in 365 (well, actually 360) days.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a great plan to ditch bread as well. Beer, and the subsequent eating, has made me 20 pounds over weight.
DeleteI now realize years later why it is that I started off on the wrong foot with you years ago, you were right. Right in the sense that the struggle for us is so similar and I didn't want to admit it. Like I was faking honesty lol, faking coming clean. I have gone from one end of the spectrum to the other. I have read a lot of blogs and for sure, you are someone I have always related to and instead of offering advice I should have just listened. Sorry for that. I am certainly considering re-blogging. I am petrified to read what I wrote years ago. I am addicted to alcohol now, not physical (hopefully that will never happen) but mentally its got me by the balls.
ReplyDeleteIt's so good to hear from you. I don't ever remember "getting off on the wrong foot." I appreciate honesty and never get upset if someone is "keeping it real". I do have a problem, and it is good to be reminded of that every once in awhile.
Delete