Monday, August 29, 2016
8/29/16 (Mon) You are an asshole and I am sick of you dragging me around!
Two weekends ago - did not drink Friday (partly because I had drank the previous Wednesday which is a big fail for me - to drink during the week). Only drank 2 on Saturday and felt really good. But then just got this crazy idea to have 1 (which turned into 4 and included not making or even eating dinner) on Sunday which made me feel completely crappy Monday.
This last weekend - nothing Friday (yeah) but then 7!!!! Saturday. I did take my pill, it was over the course of 9 hours (5:00 pm to 1:00 am - soooo stupid), I drank water and never got super buzzed but still felt totally crappy yesterday. Ate like shit and today am bloated, puffy, tired and depressed.
I AM SICK AND TIRED OF FEELING SICK AND TIRED!!!!!
I have to lose 20 pounds. I am only 5'4" and weighed 120-125 all the way until I was around 35. I am now 48 and weigh around 145. It is ridiculous! None of my clothes fit but I refuse to go buy "fat" clothes so I am uncomfortable everyday. I feel like a fat sausage squeezed into a casing with stuff spilling out. It is disgusting! I have puffy eyes that never get better because of all the salt I eat during a hangover. I am overly sensitive and emotional. I am depressed, exhausted and just drag myself through most days. I make up all kinds of excuses of why I can't exercise every morning. I have no self confidence, drive, ambition or courage to change. I feel defeated, beaten down and worthless most of the time. But - I do put on a pretty good facade. To most people I probably seem happy, confident, at peace with myself.
I just feel like I am living a shadow of my life...just going through the paces....the only thing I really get excited about (in all honesty ) is drinking. Sure, I say I am excited for a neighborhood get together or a vacation or a Friday afternoon in the sun or a Saturday dinner with friends or a Sunday at my house with family or nice weekend evening watching movies or a trip to my favorite little town but really what I am excited for is the drinking that goes with all of that. If I take the drinking out of it - really - I don't care about any of it. That is a very sad state of affairs. Is it possible that I don't really even enjoy life itself anymore without drinking?
I know I am not "physically" addicted (shakes, seizures, morning/everyday drinking) but I am physically addicted in my brain (the neurology of it) - not just in my thinking but in the actual way I have reconditioned my brain to be wired.
I am really honestly starting to lose hope in my ability to change or quit drinking. I have been fighting this for so long - bad weekend binge drinking in my 20's but didn't think much or if - better in my early 30s because of pregnancies and having little kids - last 10 years have been a mental and emotional and physical disaster. I feel like I have wasted 10 years of my life being obsessed - am I going to drink? how much? when? be sure to count...drink water...eat first....take your pill...hangovers...depression...anxiety...insomnia...
WHEN AM I GOING TO FIGURE OUT THAT MY LIFE IS NOT GOING TO GET SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER UNTIL I GIVE UP THIS ONE THING THAT HAS POWER OVER ME???? WHEN WILL I REALIZE THAT I DON'T CONTROL IT - I HAVE TRIED FOR SO LONG AND HAVE WASTED THE LAST 10 YEARS OF MENTAL, EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL AND SPIRITUAL ENERGY TRYING TO PUT A COLLAR ON THIS BEAST OF MINE AND NICELY TAKE IT FOR A WALK. BUT IT ALWAYS WINS - I CAN TAKE IT FOR NICE WALK FOR DAYS, MAYBE EVEN WEEKS, SOMETIMES MONTHS BUT IT ALWAYS WINS. ALWAYS PULLS TOO HARD (LIKE A REALLY BIG DOG), I FALL AND IT DRAGS ME ON THE CONCRETE LEAVING ME SCRAPED UP, BRUISED, BLEEDING AND BROKEN. THEN I GET BACK UP, FORGIVE IT AND DECIDE I AM STRONGER THAN THIS BEAST, ACTUALLY IN CONTROL AND TRY TO WALK IT AGAIN. ALL ALONG IT IS ALWAYS STRONGER THAN ME - CAN JUST DECIDE WHENEVER IT WANTS TOO TO PULL TO HARD AND DRAG ME HELPLESSLY AROUND. I AM IN DENIAL WHEN I THINK I ACTUALLY HAVE ULTIMATE CONTROL. IT FOOLS ME INTO THINKING I HAVE THE CONTROL SO I DON'T LET GO.
WHEN WILL I JUST DROP THE LEASH AND SAY "YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE FOR DRAGGING ME AROUND! GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO ABUSE!"