Monday, January 23, 2012

Day 30 - One more thing...

After 20 years of weekend binge drinking at least 2 times a month (which was also getting closer and closer to daily drinking) and trying soooooo hard to moderate... trike, fabs, abs, count, wait, slow down, eat, etc. for two years - I know that my path is abstinence.  It has taken my a long time and a lot of fighting with myself, but I feel a great sense of peace to be able to say this.  I can finally be the person I knew I could be.  I can be the role model, the one people look up to and are proud of.  I can finally be proud of myself.

For all of you who are successfully moderating - good for you.  There is a part of my that is jealous and I know how hard it is.  For those of you who are exhausted broken, beaten down, tired of the fight...there is another way.  I never thought I could be abstinate, and I am only on day 30 of forever, but I am, a this moment, at peace... something I have been longing for my whole life.  We all have our own path...this is mine.

Day 30!!!!! What is different?

I have been super busy lately and haven't posted for a couple of days.  I woke up this morning and realized that I have just completed 30 days sober!  I have attempted that so many time in the last 2 years.  I have tried so many times - and failed.  Until now!

I was thinking about what the difference was this time.  I just think my mindset is different.  It used to be about getting through it, proving to myself that I could - sort of a "You aren't that bad" rationalization.  I think in the past it was because I "should."  This time it was because I truly wanted to make a change.  So many broken promises to much disappointment in myself....I had just had enough.  Someone (thanks Lulu)  from one of the lists I am on posted something about it not being about how much I drank that was going to kill me, it was more about the dishonesty of so many broken promises to myself.  I was so broken emotionally and spiritually.  I am starting to feel a little better.  I little proud of myself.

This weekend was my birthday and the thought crossed my mind to have a glass of wine while cooking dinner - which used to be one of my favorite to do.  In the past, while trying to abs, I would have just pushed the thought out of my head.  I would have been slightly irritated and then just tried not to think about it.  I would have avoided - which I am beginning to realize I do a lot.  Maybe drinking helped me avoid hmmmm......

Instead, this time, for the first time, I thought about it, acknowledged it, pondered it...  The conclusion I came to was that yes, it would be nice to have a glass of wine, and I would probably really enjoy it, and if I really wanted to I could.... BUTTTTT...and that is a big but.....if I do choose to I am 100% sure that I would either drink too much, have a hangover and beat myself up worse than I ever have before, or I would moderate, continue to drink moderately occasionally for a while but would, without a doubt in my mind, binge again (probably within a month).

It is what I do. It is who I am.  I know that now.  It doesn't even matter if I was "good" that night.  It would happen again and I would feel sooooo bad again.  I just choose to not go back there anymore.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Day 26 - Goodbye

Yesterday we had to put our beloved dog of 13 years down.  The hardest part was having to see my ds and dd deal with the loss of their first dog.  I know it was the right decision, but it is never easy to make a decision to end a life.  Torturous day yesterday.  It is a good thing sadness was never a trigger for me.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Day 23 - where is the joy?

I felt terrible yesterday.  Tired, grumpy, sad, irritable, depressed, with that same stupid headache behind my right eye.  I felt like I had a hangover which really pissed me off.  What is the point if I am going to feel like crap anyway?  How long before I get to experience all of the "joy" everyone says comes from abstaining??????

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Day 20 - Numbers - history 2010-2011

YESSSS!!!!! Day 20!!!!  I did not cave.

I was exhausted, pissed off, depressed, freezing cold, bored, hungry and thirsty when my craving hit.  It wasn't really a physical craving - more of of mental one.  My mind telling me that I am stupid, that I was an idiot when I told everyone bc now I don't have total control, that I just didn't try hard enough, that who cares what everyone else thinks, that this is my life, that I can do what I want, so what if I want to try to moderate again, this time everyone will be watching, I will have more accountability, I will do better,  THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!

So I went home, got something to eat, got a seltzer water, turned up the heater, fired up the laptop and started going back on my abstar (the page I use to count my drinks).  If I am going to obsess about alcohol - lets obsess on the numbers.  This is what I noticed:

I started counting on April 2, 2010  - binge is anything over 3
Apr 2010 - 9 binges - unsuccessful 21 day abs attempt
May 2010 - 5 binges - 16 abs days - 13 days btw binges
June 2010 - complete WTF - didn't even count or care
July 2010 - 14 binges - 9 abs
Aug 2010 - 11 binges - unsuccessful 14 day abs attempt
Sept 2010 - 10 binges - 2 unsuccessful 5 day abs attempts
Oct 2010 - 9 binges - 3 unsuccessful abs attempts - 6 days btw binges
Nov 2010 - 8 binges - 4 unsuccessful abs attempts - 6 days btw binges
Dec 2010 - 8 binges -  4 unsuccessful abs attempts - 7 days btw binges

New year - New ME!! (that is what I wanted)

Jan 2011 - 0 binges! (tried the whole month - failed at day 13) - 18 day abs
Feb 2011 - 5 binges - 6 days btw binges
Mar 2011 - 7 binges - 6 days btw binges
Apr 2011 - 5 binges - 8 days btw binges
May 2011 - 6 binges - 6 days btw binges
June 2011 - 6 binge - 6 days btw binges
July 2011 - 9 binges - 7 days btw binges
Aug 2011 - 5 binges  - 23 days btw binges - unsuccessful 26 day abs attempt - abs for 14 day stretch 
Sept 2011 - 7 binge  -  6 days btw binges - 1 unsuccessful 25 day abs attempts 
Oct 2011 - 4 binge -  6 days btw binges - 25 abs days (separated by binges)
Nov 2011 - 5 binges - 20 days btw binges - unsuccessful 17 day abs attempt - 19 days abs
Dec 2011 - 4 binges - 18 days btw binges - 20 abs days

Average of 5-6 binge days for 2010
Average # of days between binges - 10 days (usually 6-8 days - duh!! every weekend) - 2011
16 unsuccessful abs attempts (between 4 days and 30 days) - 2 successful 4 day attempts

The writing is on the wall.  More analysis later.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Day 18 - Feeling Frustrated!!!!

Today I have this overwhelming sense of - This is dumb!  I really want  a glass of wine. I am home alone one would even know.  Why did I have to go and tell all of my family!  Now I can't drink a beer during the game Saturday.  I can't/don't want to go out with friends Saturday night...Everything just sucks...I shouldn't have told any one....I don't know if  want to scream or cry...

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Day 15 - Funeral

Yesterday we went to a funeral and I saw many relatives that I haven't seen in years.  It was an interesting experience.  In the past my mind would have probably going over whether or not there would be alcohol at the reception.  Sometimes there is, but prob not very often.  I would have been secretly hoping there would be and devising a plan on how much I would drink, that dh would drive home, what we would do after, blah, blah, blah....

Instead I focussed on the service.  They said so many nice things about this person.  I think the biggest  compliment was that she cultured all of her friendships.  She had deep bonds with all of her friends.  I started thinking about my life and how well I "culture" my friendships.  I don't think I do.  The friends I have chosen to hang out with for the past 20 years have all been drinking buddies.  A couple of those people I am pretty close to, but the rest - really just a surface relationship that revolves around drinking.  I have never really wanted to put the time and effort into friendships - I think because of my drinking.  I never wanted to make firm plans in advance with people bc I always wanted to keep my options open.  I never wanted to miss an impromptu party (that a lot of times I threw together so I could drink). It really just all seems so selfish.

I also noticed one of my aunts that I haven't seen in a long time.  It is rumored she has a drinking problem (like many on that side of the family).  I was watching her, and I saw something in my former self in her. I don't think she had been drinking, but she seemed to be "hiding".  I could tell she was uncomfortable, wondering how much longer she had to be there and hiding behind her glasses and her bangs - never really fully engaged in a conversation - kind of fluttering around.  I think I was like that.  I think I was uncomfortable in social situation without alcohol and I didn't want anyone to get to close to me.  I don't really know why - I don't think it was because I felt like I had something to hide (remember - I a not a raging alcoholic - but a binge drinker with a debilitating mental obsession with alcohol).  I think it was more just that that is how I have related to people while drinking (don't let anyone see how much you are drinking - oops - you slurred - or forgot something about a previous conversation - or are bored -  or want to go to the louder side of the room - better move on).  And maost of my socializing for 20 years has been around drinking.  I really am sitting here with furrowed brows thinking about all of this?

Anyway, it was really nice to have real, genuine, uninterrupted (mentally) conversations with people I really care about.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Day 14 - Feel pretty good

I was a little worried about last night being the first "down" Friday since I started ... and I was back at work. I just kept myself busy running errands until the sun went down.  I have big triggers around Friday after work, sitting in the sun and ...... well - you know.  So it really wasn't hard.  Came home and watched a bunch of Portandia shows.  I have been wanting to watch it bc I love the SNL cast.  It is really weird, but after about 4 episodes, I begin to "get it" and found it amusing.  Went to bed at a decent time and woke up HO free - that is always a good thing.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Day 12 - weird dream

Last night I had a bizarre dream.  The first part I was drinking wine (yeah I knew those would start eventually) out of one of those clear little plastic cups.  The scenario was perfect - beautiful evening, walking outside, the best tasting wine I had ever had.  I knew I shouldn't be drinking it, but it was just so good.

Change scene (like dreams do) - I am in a room kicking the crap out of someone on the ground who was trying to hurt me.  As soon as he/she was "dead" (I guess) I saw all of these other "dead" people on the ground.  All of their spirits left their bodies and rose into the air.  I felt a very big sense of relief for them and for me.  Then I woke up  - instantly - which is the reason the dream is so vivid.

OK so bear with me.  This may seem a little cooky but I do believe dreams mean something.  Whether is be you own mind talking to you or God talking to you, I believe they are there for a reason.

I think my dream represents me kicking the crap out of my addiction, and feeling extremely relieved in the end.  I believe I woke up with that feeling for a reason.

Off to bed - let's see what I can dream up tonight!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Day 11

Pretty uneventful day.  I did, however, look at my fellow teachers - the ones I would go out to FAC with and I was never the first to leave - and wonder what would happen to those relationships.  What would I do the next time they asked me?  Go and not drink?  That would get a lot of questions.  Make up excuses why I can't go?  That can only last so long.  I know for sure they will not know I have a dependency issue.  no way!  I guess I could just tell them I had a New year's resolution to be super healthy for a month and then I just decided I liked life better without it.  That is what I am planning on telling neighbors.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Day 10 PM

Today I decided that I have only one New Year's Resolution.  That is to not to drink.  I am kind of an all or nothing kind of person. On January 1st,  I had decided I was not going to drink, go to the gym, eat healthy and go to bed early.

Well, I slept terrible last night and did not make it to the gym.  I started feeling down on myself for not going.  I don't think those feelings are going to help me remain sober.

I decided my first and foremost goal would be to not drink.  If I go to the gym, awesome!  If not, it's OK - you didn't drink!  If I eat healthy - awesome! If I eat some ice cream - well at least I didn't drink.  If I get to bed early - awesome!  If not (because I am up late reading all of the recovery literature) - at least I didn't drink.

I read somewhere that I need to put as much energy into my absing as I did into my drinking and then my attempting to moderate.  I  know all of those other things are good for me and will help my health and sense of well being - but not if I am going to beat myself up every time I am not perfect.

The only thing that needs to be perfect right now is my sobriety.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Day 9 PM

OMG! I just felt terrible!  I was making dinner and all of a sudden, my heart starting racing, my ears stated ringing and a got extremely tired.  I went upstairs and fell asleep for 30 minutes.  I never do that!  Could it still be withdrawal?  I have no idea but it was really weird!

Day 9

Well today is Day 9.  It shouldn't be too much of a struggle today.  I do back to work tomorrow and it is really hard to teach 30 - 11 year olds with a HO, so I never really drank during the week anyway.

It just now made me uncomfortable to type that sentence.  It seems like a sentence I would have typed before.  Getting up in the morning telling myself why I wouldn't drink that day.  That is the first time I have done that in 9 days.  For the past 9 days I have just known I wouldn't drink.  When situations came up it became hard, but there was never any question first thing in the morning.  I am going to have to watch that.

I am not drinking today because I stopped drinking.  Period!  No other reason!  There are many reasons I stopped, but the reason I am not drinking today is because I stopped.  It is not for any other reason that is specific for the day.  It is bigger than that.  It isn't because of today - it is because of my life in general.

PS - I wish these headaches would go away!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Thank you to my online support group!

I just posted this to my online support group.  They are a truly amazing group of people.

I know that I have been needing a lot of support lately and all of you including lulu, cp, mike, lexie, arleigh, trixie, cedric, Kary, lolo (and others I am sure I forgot - sorry) have no idea how much support I have gotten from this list.  I honestly do not know if I would have had the motivation and confidence to even attempt perm abs without you guys.  

I was so broken when I came here.  I was in such a dark place.  All of your stories of life without alcohol were like a tiny beam of light shining through at first.  In the beginning I didn't think that it would be possible for me. I just kept reading and listening and eventually I thought, "Why not?  Why can't I have that?"  You are there to pick me up when I fall, kick my butt when I am talking stupid and make me feel like a superstar when I am succeeding.   I have read a few of the posts from the list to my mom.  She just started cryng and said she was so grateful that I found this group and am getting so much support from it.  

Nobody forces or pays you all to be here. You do it to make a difference and I just want you to know that you have more of a difference than you can possible realize in the life of this one 43 year old wife, mother, sister, daughter, teacher.  The MMlist helped me realize I have a problem, but this list quite possibly could have saved my life!  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!