Sunday, January 8, 2012

Day 15 - Funeral

Yesterday we went to a funeral and I saw many relatives that I haven't seen in years.  It was an interesting experience.  In the past my mind would have probably going over whether or not there would be alcohol at the reception.  Sometimes there is, but prob not very often.  I would have been secretly hoping there would be and devising a plan on how much I would drink, that dh would drive home, what we would do after, blah, blah, blah....

Instead I focussed on the service.  They said so many nice things about this person.  I think the biggest  compliment was that she cultured all of her friendships.  She had deep bonds with all of her friends.  I started thinking about my life and how well I "culture" my friendships.  I don't think I do.  The friends I have chosen to hang out with for the past 20 years have all been drinking buddies.  A couple of those people I am pretty close to, but the rest - really just a surface relationship that revolves around drinking.  I have never really wanted to put the time and effort into friendships - I think because of my drinking.  I never wanted to make firm plans in advance with people bc I always wanted to keep my options open.  I never wanted to miss an impromptu party (that a lot of times I threw together so I could drink). It really just all seems so selfish.

I also noticed one of my aunts that I haven't seen in a long time.  It is rumored she has a drinking problem (like many on that side of the family).  I was watching her, and I saw something in my former self in her. I don't think she had been drinking, but she seemed to be "hiding".  I could tell she was uncomfortable, wondering how much longer she had to be there and hiding behind her glasses and her bangs - never really fully engaged in a conversation - kind of fluttering around.  I think I was like that.  I think I was uncomfortable in social situation without alcohol and I didn't want anyone to get to close to me.  I don't really know why - I don't think it was because I felt like I had something to hide (remember - I a not a raging alcoholic - but a binge drinker with a debilitating mental obsession with alcohol).  I think it was more just that that is how I have related to people while drinking (don't let anyone see how much you are drinking - oops - you slurred - or forgot something about a previous conversation - or are bored -  or want to go to the louder side of the room - better move on).  And maost of my socializing for 20 years has been around drinking.  I really am sitting here with furrowed brows thinking about all of this?

Anyway, it was really nice to have real, genuine, uninterrupted (mentally) conversations with people I really care about.

1 comment:

  1. My last two funerals deteriorated pretty quickly into leaning hugs and watery eyes talking to people I hadn't seen for years about that one funny episode we shared back in 93.
    Nothing meaningful or substantial. Just drunken bluster. I hear you.