Monday, January 23, 2012

Day 30!!!!! What is different?

I have been super busy lately and haven't posted for a couple of days.  I woke up this morning and realized that I have just completed 30 days sober!  I have attempted that so many time in the last 2 years.  I have tried so many times - and failed.  Until now!

I was thinking about what the difference was this time.  I just think my mindset is different.  It used to be about getting through it, proving to myself that I could - sort of a "You aren't that bad" rationalization.  I think in the past it was because I "should."  This time it was because I truly wanted to make a change.  So many broken promises to much disappointment in myself....I had just had enough.  Someone (thanks Lulu)  from one of the lists I am on posted something about it not being about how much I drank that was going to kill me, it was more about the dishonesty of so many broken promises to myself.  I was so broken emotionally and spiritually.  I am starting to feel a little better.  I little proud of myself.

This weekend was my birthday and the thought crossed my mind to have a glass of wine while cooking dinner - which used to be one of my favorite to do.  In the past, while trying to abs, I would have just pushed the thought out of my head.  I would have been slightly irritated and then just tried not to think about it.  I would have avoided - which I am beginning to realize I do a lot.  Maybe drinking helped me avoid hmmmm......

Instead, this time, for the first time, I thought about it, acknowledged it, pondered it...  The conclusion I came to was that yes, it would be nice to have a glass of wine, and I would probably really enjoy it, and if I really wanted to I could.... BUTTTTT...and that is a big but.....if I do choose to I am 100% sure that I would either drink too much, have a hangover and beat myself up worse than I ever have before, or I would moderate, continue to drink moderately occasionally for a while but would, without a doubt in my mind, binge again (probably within a month).

It is what I do. It is who I am.  I know that now.  It doesn't even matter if I was "good" that night.  It would happen again and I would feel sooooo bad again.  I just choose to not go back there anymore.

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