I was exhausted, pissed off, depressed, freezing cold, bored, hungry and thirsty when my craving hit. It wasn't really a physical craving - more of of mental one. My mind telling me that I am stupid, that I was an idiot when I told everyone bc now I don't have total control, that I just didn't try hard enough, that who cares what everyone else thinks, that this is my life, that I can do what I want, so what if I want to try to moderate again, this time everyone will be watching, I will have more accountability, I will do better, THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!
So I went home, got something to eat, got a seltzer water, turned up the heater, fired up the laptop and started going back on my abstar (the page I use to count my drinks). If I am going to obsess about alcohol - lets obsess on the numbers. This is what I noticed:
I started counting on April 2, 2010 - binge is anything over 3
Apr 2010 - 9 binges - unsuccessful 21 day abs attempt
May 2010 - 5 binges - 16 abs days - 13 days btw binges
June 2010 - complete WTF - didn't even count or care
July 2010 - 14 binges - 9 abs
Aug 2010 - 11 binges - unsuccessful 14 day abs attempt
Sept 2010 - 10 binges - 2 unsuccessful 5 day abs attempts
Oct 2010 - 9 binges - 3 unsuccessful abs attempts - 6 days btw binges
Nov 2010 - 8 binges - 4 unsuccessful abs attempts - 6 days btw binges
Dec 2010 - 8 binges - 4 unsuccessful abs attempts - 7 days btw binges
New year - New ME!! (that is what I wanted)
Jan 2011 - 0 binges! (tried the whole month - failed at day 13) - 18 day abs
Feb 2011 - 5 binges - 6 days btw binges
Mar 2011 - 7 binges - 6 days btw binges
Apr 2011 - 5 binges - 8 days btw binges
May 2011 - 6 binges - 6 days btw binges
June 2011 - 6 binge - 6 days btw binges
July 2011 - 9 binges - 7 days btw binges
Aug 2011 - 5 binges - 23 days btw binges - unsuccessful 26 day abs attempt - abs for 14 day stretch
Sept 2011 - 7 binge - 6 days btw binges - 1 unsuccessful 25 day abs attempts
Oct 2011 - 4 binge - 6 days btw binges - 25 abs days (separated by binges)
Nov 2011 - 5 binges - 20 days btw binges - unsuccessful 17 day abs attempt - 19 days abs
Dec 2011 - 4 binges - 18 days btw binges - 20 abs days
Average of 5-6 binge days for 2010
Average # of days between binges - 10 days (usually 6-8 days - duh!! every weekend) - 2011
16 unsuccessful abs attempts (between 4 days and 30 days) - 2 successful 4 day attempts
The writing is on the wall. More analysis later.
Here's the analysis you need to be doing now:
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:-)
Lulu
One thing I've heard from the people who are successful in sobriety is how nice it is when you don't have to worry about the numbers anymore. Congrats on day 20. You can do this...for you. For your life.
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