Was with her this afternoon. Asked her if she wanted to come over. She said, "What are you drinking?" I said, "Nothing bc of the heart monitor I am wearing." Asked her again a little while later. She said, "Naw..I have some things I need to get done at home and you aren't drinking anyway."
She is the one I am most worried about losing closeness with if I stop drinking. Remember last summer when her and her boyfriend invited me to hang out in Florida for a week. Her boyfriend/husband said, "Only if you are drinking. You aren't any fun if you don't drink." I don't care what he says, but I do care that I remain close with my sister.
How do I stay true to what I know is right for me and still remain close to her if she would rather not hang out if I'm not drinking? And I miss drinking when I am with her. It seriously gives me a panic attack and I get debilitating cravings when I am with her bc it is what we do (did)...we drink.
BTW - she has been the one that I have broken many sobriety attempts with including the 255 days. I don't blame her, other than her insensitive comments. It was always my choice to drink. When I don't drink, I really do miss the relationship we have when we are.
She is my sister. I can't just not see her. How do I deal with this? Any advice??
Friday, June 30, 2017
6/30/17 (Fri) - Dr appt and options
So I went to the dr yesterday. They did an EKG and a bunch of blood work including liver panel and thyroid tests. Guess what? All normal. Apparently, I am just fine. I am wearing a holter monitor for 3 days just to monitor my heart more closely but I am pretty sure it will be fine. I even told him about my 5-6 drink binges usually around 2 times per month. He did say, "That's a lot at one time, You should really think of about not doing that anymore." I was flabbergasted! I wanted to scream, "That's all I think about! But I can't control it! I have a problem and I need help!!!!" but all I said was, "Ok." He also asked about caffeine consumption, of which I only have two cups of coffee in the morning. At the end of the appt he said, "Ok, well let's just make sure with the holter monitor but other than that you might want to consider cutting down on the caffeine and alcohol but that's up to you. I can't tell you what to do about that." You think I should consider cutting sown on alcohol - no shit, Sherlock! I don't understand why he couldn't see through my BS and hear my cries for help. I even said, "Yeah, I struggle a bit with alcohol." I am sure I am just one of 50 middle aged people coming in daily to complain about various symptoms.
I don;t know why I am a little disappointed he didn't find anything. I guess I just want someone to say, "You need to stop drinking or you will die." That would have taken all the second guessing out of the decision to quit. It would have been like I had no choice - like it or not - I had to quit. Well, that is not the situation and I do have a choice. I can choose to look at it in one of two ways:
Option 1 - See, you are ok. You haven't done any damage. You are just making a mountain out of a molehill. It is just your latest obsession. Find something else to obsess about - like maybe getting back in shape - and stop worrying so much about drinking. You aren't that bad - you just think you are. You can moderate - enjoy life - enjoy your friends - not be different and awkward and boring and weird - you can be be normal and be fine and drink.
Option 2 - Thank God nothing showed up in the tests. You haven't caused any detectable damage to your organs YET. But you are not fine - you do have these debilitating symptoms caused by crippling anxiety brought on by drinking. You are not ok - read your own words for the last 7 years. You are not ok. You are addicted to alcohol and have messed up your brain with weekly drinking and monthly binging to the point that you can't even enjoy life anymore without drinking. You are not ok - you are out of shape, overweight, ultra sensitive, irritable, grumpy, unmotivated, uncaring, selfish, exhausted, anxious, obsessed, stressed out and really don't give a shit about anything.
If you choose
Option 1 - You will continue down the same road as the last 7-15 years. Why do you think it would be any different this time. Alcohol addiction does not get better over time - no matter how hard you try to moderate and do better. It is illogical to think that you can finally moderate and control an addiction that is only getting worse. You are an idiot to think that. It is a proven fact that alcohol addiction is progressive. It absolutely does not get better over time and you are 100% addicted - don't fool yourself about that either. If you choose to drink - you will not be choosing happily moderating and finally being able to drink and enjoy life again. NO! Impossible! You will be choosing the same thing you have been doing for years and most likely, eventually really doing irreversible damage to your body. You will be choosing to remain out of shape, overweight, ultra sensitive, irritable, grumpy, unmotivated, uncaring, selfish, exhausted, anxious, obsessed, stressed out and really not giving a shit about anything. It has not miraculously gotten better every single time you have tried in the past. It will not get better this time and will undoubtedly get worse. You will remain on your sick hamster wheel forever, until you die,. You will never know anything different. You will not be able to happily, successfully moderate - EVER! Your brain is no longer physically capable of it. It is not your imagination - you can not will your brain into changing back into a pre-addictive state. It is a pickle and can not turn back into a cucumber no matter how many times or how hard you try or how badly you want it! It is a physiological fact! You chose to drink - you 100% choose continued misery! No doubt about it.
Option 2 - You can choose something different. It may not always be easy and it will take some adjusting and being uncomfortable, but it is the only way to be happy. Your brain and body have had enough of this poisoning. You can be back in shape, happy, motivated, empathetic, well rested, calm and at peace but only if you cut out the one thing that is derailing all of that. It will only get better without the one thing that is causing all of it. You can have fun and show everyone around you that alcohol is not the elixir to life - it is not the key to having a good time. That there is another way.
If they don't want to be around you bc you aren't drinking - that is there problem and not only reveals their own issues but is sad for them. You can be an inspiration to your children and a beacon of hope to your friends who may also be struggling. You can be that person that you know is there - deep down - just trying to get out. That person is you - she has just been drowning in a anxiety laced cesspool of alcohol addiction. It is time for her to jump out of the toilet and flush all that bullshit down the drain. For once and for all be done with it. Try living a different way because this way is not working. You don't need a doctor's permission you stop drinking. You know the truth and you know what to do. She is in there - she just needs to be set free.
I choose Option 2 - Day 9!!
I don;t know why I am a little disappointed he didn't find anything. I guess I just want someone to say, "You need to stop drinking or you will die." That would have taken all the second guessing out of the decision to quit. It would have been like I had no choice - like it or not - I had to quit. Well, that is not the situation and I do have a choice. I can choose to look at it in one of two ways:
Option 1 - See, you are ok. You haven't done any damage. You are just making a mountain out of a molehill. It is just your latest obsession. Find something else to obsess about - like maybe getting back in shape - and stop worrying so much about drinking. You aren't that bad - you just think you are. You can moderate - enjoy life - enjoy your friends - not be different and awkward and boring and weird - you can be be normal and be fine and drink.
Option 2 - Thank God nothing showed up in the tests. You haven't caused any detectable damage to your organs YET. But you are not fine - you do have these debilitating symptoms caused by crippling anxiety brought on by drinking. You are not ok - read your own words for the last 7 years. You are not ok. You are addicted to alcohol and have messed up your brain with weekly drinking and monthly binging to the point that you can't even enjoy life anymore without drinking. You are not ok - you are out of shape, overweight, ultra sensitive, irritable, grumpy, unmotivated, uncaring, selfish, exhausted, anxious, obsessed, stressed out and really don't give a shit about anything.
If you choose
Option 1 - You will continue down the same road as the last 7-15 years. Why do you think it would be any different this time. Alcohol addiction does not get better over time - no matter how hard you try to moderate and do better. It is illogical to think that you can finally moderate and control an addiction that is only getting worse. You are an idiot to think that. It is a proven fact that alcohol addiction is progressive. It absolutely does not get better over time and you are 100% addicted - don't fool yourself about that either. If you choose to drink - you will not be choosing happily moderating and finally being able to drink and enjoy life again. NO! Impossible! You will be choosing the same thing you have been doing for years and most likely, eventually really doing irreversible damage to your body. You will be choosing to remain out of shape, overweight, ultra sensitive, irritable, grumpy, unmotivated, uncaring, selfish, exhausted, anxious, obsessed, stressed out and really not giving a shit about anything. It has not miraculously gotten better every single time you have tried in the past. It will not get better this time and will undoubtedly get worse. You will remain on your sick hamster wheel forever, until you die,. You will never know anything different. You will not be able to happily, successfully moderate - EVER! Your brain is no longer physically capable of it. It is not your imagination - you can not will your brain into changing back into a pre-addictive state. It is a pickle and can not turn back into a cucumber no matter how many times or how hard you try or how badly you want it! It is a physiological fact! You chose to drink - you 100% choose continued misery! No doubt about it.
Option 2 - You can choose something different. It may not always be easy and it will take some adjusting and being uncomfortable, but it is the only way to be happy. Your brain and body have had enough of this poisoning. You can be back in shape, happy, motivated, empathetic, well rested, calm and at peace but only if you cut out the one thing that is derailing all of that. It will only get better without the one thing that is causing all of it. You can have fun and show everyone around you that alcohol is not the elixir to life - it is not the key to having a good time. That there is another way.
If they don't want to be around you bc you aren't drinking - that is there problem and not only reveals their own issues but is sad for them. You can be an inspiration to your children and a beacon of hope to your friends who may also be struggling. You can be that person that you know is there - deep down - just trying to get out. That person is you - she has just been drowning in a anxiety laced cesspool of alcohol addiction. It is time for her to jump out of the toilet and flush all that bullshit down the drain. For once and for all be done with it. Try living a different way because this way is not working. You don't need a doctor's permission you stop drinking. You know the truth and you know what to do. She is in there - she just needs to be set free.
I choose Option 2 - Day 9!!
Thursday, June 29, 2017
6/29/17 (Thurs) - Doctors appt and blogging
I made a dr appt for today bc of some heart issues I have been experiencing - palpitations (feel like my heart is rolling over in side my chest), rapid heart beat (feeI like it is pounding out of my chest) and slight chest pains (just this little pinching sensation) that I am sure are just gas. I want to get it checked out before I get back on that treadmill. I am 100% positive that my drinking has caused these symptoms and am fairly certain they will go away on their own with my sobriety but I just want to get the ok from the dr. I am contemplating telling him about my drinking and asking him if that could be causing it. I am secretly hoping he tells me I need to quit drinking. Then when people ask why I am not drinking I have a concrete answer that no one can argue with or judge. I know I shouldn't care but "I was having some heart issues and the dr told me I can't drink" just seems like a pretty good reason to tell others. Maybe even if the dr doesn't say that, I will just lie and say he did :)
Also, Brian commented on my post from yesterday that I helped him quit when I was sober for 255 days. First of all WHAT???. You have been reading that long??? And I helped someone??? That kind of blew my mind. Because of that comment, I am going to make sure that I continue to blog my journey. I really only do it for me bc writing helps me process. I do, however, get a lot of support from they people who respond to me so I am glad I made it public. If there is any chance at all that my upcoming journey into sobriety could help anyone else climb out of this hellhole - that is enough to make me continue writing. Many times I just leave for awhile - sober or not - but I find that when I stop thinking about it - stop being diligent - that is when I start to struggle with my determination. So, it will also be good for me to continue to write about how I am feeling. Thank you, Brian - I kinda teared up when I read your comment.
Also, Brian commented on my post from yesterday that I helped him quit when I was sober for 255 days. First of all WHAT???. You have been reading that long??? And I helped someone??? That kind of blew my mind. Because of that comment, I am going to make sure that I continue to blog my journey. I really only do it for me bc writing helps me process. I do, however, get a lot of support from they people who respond to me so I am glad I made it public. If there is any chance at all that my upcoming journey into sobriety could help anyone else climb out of this hellhole - that is enough to make me continue writing. Many times I just leave for awhile - sober or not - but I find that when I stop thinking about it - stop being diligent - that is when I start to struggle with my determination. So, it will also be good for me to continue to write about how I am feeling. Thank you, Brian - I kinda teared up when I read your comment.
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
6/28/17 (Wed) Day 7 - History is eye opening and thank you for the comments
I am feeling a bit better today. Still tired and a bit out of it but feel like I can do something with my day other than watch tv and sit on my computer.
I was going back in my blog this morning to see how long it took me to feel better on some of my other attempts at sobriety. Holy Shit!!!! It has gotten so bad so many time over the past 6 years that I have been blogging
For example:
1/5/15
http://searchingforbalance11.blogspot.com/2015/01/dingdingdinground.html
1/2/14
http://searchingforbalance11.blogspot.com/2014/01/wellhere-goesagain.html
I forget how bad it has been for so long. I am also finding that going back into my blog is kind of depressing me. Although I know that blogging helps me because writing helps me process, I also feel like sometimes I am just circling/swirling around and around in a bunch of the same old bullshit not really getting anywhere.
I am going to do it this time. It is time. It is time to climb out of the shit and find a new way to live. I have been blogging the same thing over and over and over for 6 years. How can I possibly try to convince myself that this time would be any different? That I could successfully moderate? I have been trying for 10 years - writing about it for 6. How many more years am I going to waste? How many more years am I going to sacrifice to alcohol? How may more years am I going to let it rob me of my happiness? How many more years am I going to remain a slave to an addictive drug I keep putting in my body?
The answer is 0! I will not give alcohol that kind of power over me for one more year, one more month, one more day, one more hour, one more minute, one more second! I am sick of swirling around in the toilet bowel of my life. Time to climb out and flush the toilet.
I will be the sober person who does not lecture other people but leads by example. They will see that I am happy and content and at peace with choosing not to drink. I will be proud of me and continue to take steps forward - always forward. No longer drinking just bc I think I can moderate and eventually taking 10/15/20 steps backwards. I will only move forward, be patient, fight like hell against that inner addicted voice that will tell me to try again to moderate, and finally find that true peaceful happiness that only sobriety will give me.
PS - Hey Kary May - I noticed that you have been commenting on my blog since the very beginning! You have no idea how much that means to me. You have stuck it out with me - encouraging me, being a little hard on me (which is ok) and always being an inspiration for me. We would have been in about the same spot if I would have quit and stayed quit when you did.
Also to Anne and Wendy and Michelle and Brian all of the rest of you who comment on a regular basis - you have no idea how much it means to me (someone who is afraid to get outside help) to have support online. You guys are like my lifeline for hope.
I didn't know if you guys realized how much you really do help me. Hopefully someday I will have my shit together enough to also comment on people's blogs to encourage them and help them get through the day. I want to be in your shoes, sober and happy and able to share that with others who are struggling as I have been for far too long.
I was going back in my blog this morning to see how long it took me to feel better on some of my other attempts at sobriety. Holy Shit!!!! It has gotten so bad so many time over the past 6 years that I have been blogging
For example:
1/5/15
http://searchingforbalance11.blogspot.com/2015/01/dingdingdinground.html
1/2/14
http://searchingforbalance11.blogspot.com/2014/01/wellhere-goesagain.html
I forget how bad it has been for so long. I am also finding that going back into my blog is kind of depressing me. Although I know that blogging helps me because writing helps me process, I also feel like sometimes I am just circling/swirling around and around in a bunch of the same old bullshit not really getting anywhere.
I am going to do it this time. It is time. It is time to climb out of the shit and find a new way to live. I have been blogging the same thing over and over and over for 6 years. How can I possibly try to convince myself that this time would be any different? That I could successfully moderate? I have been trying for 10 years - writing about it for 6. How many more years am I going to waste? How many more years am I going to sacrifice to alcohol? How may more years am I going to let it rob me of my happiness? How many more years am I going to remain a slave to an addictive drug I keep putting in my body?
The answer is 0! I will not give alcohol that kind of power over me for one more year, one more month, one more day, one more hour, one more minute, one more second! I am sick of swirling around in the toilet bowel of my life. Time to climb out and flush the toilet.
I will be the sober person who does not lecture other people but leads by example. They will see that I am happy and content and at peace with choosing not to drink. I will be proud of me and continue to take steps forward - always forward. No longer drinking just bc I think I can moderate and eventually taking 10/15/20 steps backwards. I will only move forward, be patient, fight like hell against that inner addicted voice that will tell me to try again to moderate, and finally find that true peaceful happiness that only sobriety will give me.
PS - Hey Kary May - I noticed that you have been commenting on my blog since the very beginning! You have no idea how much that means to me. You have stuck it out with me - encouraging me, being a little hard on me (which is ok) and always being an inspiration for me. We would have been in about the same spot if I would have quit and stayed quit when you did.
Also to Anne and Wendy and Michelle and Brian all of the rest of you who comment on a regular basis - you have no idea how much it means to me (someone who is afraid to get outside help) to have support online. You guys are like my lifeline for hope.
I didn't know if you guys realized how much you really do help me. Hopefully someday I will have my shit together enough to also comment on people's blogs to encourage them and help them get through the day. I want to be in your shoes, sober and happy and able to share that with others who are struggling as I have been for far too long.
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
6/27/17 (Tues) Terrified and panicky
Day 6 - still extremely tired...kind of an out of it, dizzy, unmotivated, don't care about anything, a lack of energy or joy kind of tired. Just feel like I am dragging myself through the day. I know it will pass just need to give it time.
Something happened yesterday that is terrifying to me. Not sure I am proud of it but as they say "it is what it is." It happened.
I was walking the dogs with my almost 19 yo ds. He knows that I struggle with alcohol. He typically rolls his eyes when I say I am not drinking again. He has no idea how bad it is. He just knows that on the weekends I am always either drinking and fun or not drinking and miserable. He has no idea that my crappy mood the whole time on vacation was because I just can't even be happy sober anymore. Both of my kids noticed this and I just said, "I'm not mad or upset about anything. You guys just aren't used to me being sober on vacation." Well that was a load of bs which I actually didn't fully realize at the time. I really thought at the time that this is what "normal" felt like. It has become my normal. They were right. I was grumpy and quiet and irritable and moody because I had drank 7 days in a row and have f***** up my brain so much it can no longer experience sober happiness.
Anyway, on our walk the topic of Florida with my sister and her boys came up. Just ds and I go and spend time with my sister and her 2 boys at a condo she owns. It is usually a drink every night affair. I told ds I wasn't sure I wanted to go (he still could) bc I wasn't drinking...again. He said something that kind of set me off. He said, "Jeez, mom. You aren't that bad. So what you had a few drinks on vacation. Everyone does. (OK that's messed up bc not everyone does and I am ashamed he thinks that). Look at (he started listing off multiple people we know). They are way worse than you. You don't drink everyday, only on the weekends and so what? You are having fun. (Thank God he has no interest in drinking bc I certainly have screwed up his view of alcohol). I think you are just obsessing about nothing and just need to focus on something else. You just think you have a problem so you do."
I couldn't help it. I just kinda went off. Not in an angry way but in a "you need to understand something" way. I started off by saying, "I know that is how you perceive it and I know you are trying to help but saying things like that do not help me. Comments like that are like a flat head screwdriver that find a little crack in my wall of determination to not drink and pry it apart just a little and that is all it takes for me to rationalize drinking." He looked at me like I was crazy so I just spewed out my entire past on him. Not all the childhood traumatic stuff but just my history of drinking since my 20's. My whole drinking history - how many times I was drunk around him. All the times I stayed in bed on a Sunday and told him and his ds I had the flu but in fact it was a hangover. How it has taken over my whole brain physiologically and psychologically. How I have messed up my neurotransmitters so much I can't really even be joyful in everyday life anymore. How he was right on vacation. I was moody and irritable and grumpy all bc I wasn't drinking. It wasn't that I wanted a drink right then on that trail at 10:00 in the morning, it's just the way I feel all the time anymore when sober. He was a little blown away but I'm not surprised because I hid it pretty well. His response was, "Me and my sister talked about this on vacation and we think you need to get some help. We think that you must have some stuff in your past that is keeping you from being happy. Maybe you should talk to someone about that." I was flabbergasted. They were talking about me? They noticed that I haven't really been happy? I don't think he really related it to the alcohol but my dd probably did bc I had already told her all of my struggles with alcohol a couple of months ago after she had made a similar comment about me not being as bad as I think I am.
It felt really good to talk to him and help him understand how hard this is for me. I feel a little guilty bc I don't want to burden him with my problems or make him worry about me, but it happened.
Here is the terrifying part. Now he also knows, which will make me feel even more like a failure if I fail. I am scared shitless of disappointing him and failing. After our conversation was over, I went upstairs and started crying. What had I done? What will he think of me if he sees me with a drink? I told my 2 sisters and my mom about all my problems a couple of years ago on Christmas Day (I even wrote about it here) and since then they have seen me quit and start so many times it seems my struggles lose their validity and everyone just rolls their eyes thinking I am just so dramatic when I want to quit....again.
Then we went to visit my sister and we were just talking about wine bars and trips to Florida and watching a movie and I was getting all of this anxiety. I love her, but just being around her makes me want to drink. Not in a bad way just bc that is what we do. Then, that anxiety lead me to thoughts of maybe I should start after summer or maybe I could just try harder to moderate and how stupid I was for telling my ds and how this is all just stupid and how I am not that bad. How do you deal with those panicky feelings you get when thinking about the future and not being able to ever drink again?
Even Kary's comment yesterday of "You are going to be telling people you are not drinking for the rest of your life, you might as well start that life now. " made me feel all panicky inside. "For the rest of your life" gives me a full on anxiety attack for some reason. But you, Kary, must have planted a seed somewhere deep in my brain, though, bc after I read that I told me ds.
Accountability sucks! It is easier to keep everything a secret bc then the only person I disappoint is myself.
Something happened yesterday that is terrifying to me. Not sure I am proud of it but as they say "it is what it is." It happened.
I was walking the dogs with my almost 19 yo ds. He knows that I struggle with alcohol. He typically rolls his eyes when I say I am not drinking again. He has no idea how bad it is. He just knows that on the weekends I am always either drinking and fun or not drinking and miserable. He has no idea that my crappy mood the whole time on vacation was because I just can't even be happy sober anymore. Both of my kids noticed this and I just said, "I'm not mad or upset about anything. You guys just aren't used to me being sober on vacation." Well that was a load of bs which I actually didn't fully realize at the time. I really thought at the time that this is what "normal" felt like. It has become my normal. They were right. I was grumpy and quiet and irritable and moody because I had drank 7 days in a row and have f***** up my brain so much it can no longer experience sober happiness.
Anyway, on our walk the topic of Florida with my sister and her boys came up. Just ds and I go and spend time with my sister and her 2 boys at a condo she owns. It is usually a drink every night affair. I told ds I wasn't sure I wanted to go (he still could) bc I wasn't drinking...again. He said something that kind of set me off. He said, "Jeez, mom. You aren't that bad. So what you had a few drinks on vacation. Everyone does. (OK that's messed up bc not everyone does and I am ashamed he thinks that). Look at (he started listing off multiple people we know). They are way worse than you. You don't drink everyday, only on the weekends and so what? You are having fun. (Thank God he has no interest in drinking bc I certainly have screwed up his view of alcohol). I think you are just obsessing about nothing and just need to focus on something else. You just think you have a problem so you do."
I couldn't help it. I just kinda went off. Not in an angry way but in a "you need to understand something" way. I started off by saying, "I know that is how you perceive it and I know you are trying to help but saying things like that do not help me. Comments like that are like a flat head screwdriver that find a little crack in my wall of determination to not drink and pry it apart just a little and that is all it takes for me to rationalize drinking." He looked at me like I was crazy so I just spewed out my entire past on him. Not all the childhood traumatic stuff but just my history of drinking since my 20's. My whole drinking history - how many times I was drunk around him. All the times I stayed in bed on a Sunday and told him and his ds I had the flu but in fact it was a hangover. How it has taken over my whole brain physiologically and psychologically. How I have messed up my neurotransmitters so much I can't really even be joyful in everyday life anymore. How he was right on vacation. I was moody and irritable and grumpy all bc I wasn't drinking. It wasn't that I wanted a drink right then on that trail at 10:00 in the morning, it's just the way I feel all the time anymore when sober. He was a little blown away but I'm not surprised because I hid it pretty well. His response was, "Me and my sister talked about this on vacation and we think you need to get some help. We think that you must have some stuff in your past that is keeping you from being happy. Maybe you should talk to someone about that." I was flabbergasted. They were talking about me? They noticed that I haven't really been happy? I don't think he really related it to the alcohol but my dd probably did bc I had already told her all of my struggles with alcohol a couple of months ago after she had made a similar comment about me not being as bad as I think I am.
It felt really good to talk to him and help him understand how hard this is for me. I feel a little guilty bc I don't want to burden him with my problems or make him worry about me, but it happened.
Here is the terrifying part. Now he also knows, which will make me feel even more like a failure if I fail. I am scared shitless of disappointing him and failing. After our conversation was over, I went upstairs and started crying. What had I done? What will he think of me if he sees me with a drink? I told my 2 sisters and my mom about all my problems a couple of years ago on Christmas Day (I even wrote about it here) and since then they have seen me quit and start so many times it seems my struggles lose their validity and everyone just rolls their eyes thinking I am just so dramatic when I want to quit....again.
Then we went to visit my sister and we were just talking about wine bars and trips to Florida and watching a movie and I was getting all of this anxiety. I love her, but just being around her makes me want to drink. Not in a bad way just bc that is what we do. Then, that anxiety lead me to thoughts of maybe I should start after summer or maybe I could just try harder to moderate and how stupid I was for telling my ds and how this is all just stupid and how I am not that bad. How do you deal with those panicky feelings you get when thinking about the future and not being able to ever drink again?
Even Kary's comment yesterday of "You are going to be telling people you are not drinking for the rest of your life, you might as well start that life now. " made me feel all panicky inside. "For the rest of your life" gives me a full on anxiety attack for some reason. But you, Kary, must have planted a seed somewhere deep in my brain, though, bc after I read that I told me ds.
Accountability sucks! It is easier to keep everything a secret bc then the only person I disappoint is myself.
Monday, June 26, 2017
6/26/17 (Mon) Day 5 - Insomnia
Insomnia - I knew it was coming - it always does. Could not sleep last night at all. But still would rather wake up after only 4 hours of sleep than wake up with a hangover. I know this will pass and eventually (last time it took around 2 weeks) I will be sleeping like a baby.
While awake last night I was reading Drinking a Love Story and The Naked Mind. I just happened to be on the same concept in both books - the fact that alcohol does not bring relief from stress/anxiety/unhappiness/irritability/boredom/depression - it only relieves the stress/anxiety/unhappiness/irritability/boredom/depression that it created in the first place. Drinking just brings my addicted brain back to the way it would be functioning if I wasn't drinking at all. It is an illusion. My brain has my brain physiologically conditioned to only be happy in the presence of alcohol. I can't remember which book this analogy came from but it it was perfect. It is like purposefully getting a blister on your foot just to be able to experience the relief you feel when you take your shoes off.
I am truly excited (and nervous about failing yet again) but mostly excited about cutting this source of stress/anxiety/unhappiness/irritability/boredom/depression out of my life. Figuring out how to cope/socialize/exist/live without all of the bullshit and chaos alcohol brings to my life.
I am having recurring thoughts such as, "What am I going to do about the Renaissance Festival in a week (has been a drunk fest for 15 years - the perfect excuse for day drinking)? What am I going to do if my neighbor or sister asks me to get together this weekend? What am I going to do if the whole neighborhood finally wants to go to my favorite brewery and now I am not drinking? What am I going to do if my sister asks us to go to Florida with her in a month? What am I going to say about not drinking? Should I make something up like I have an ulcer? Should I wait until summer is over to do this? I want to do all of those things and I want to do them sober but I have been down this road so many times that I know the further I get from feeling bad, the weaker my resolve will be. I don't want to fail this time, so I need to do something different, I just don't know what.
Today I am giving myself permission to take it easy and take a nap. My body/brain/soul needs to heal.
While awake last night I was reading Drinking a Love Story and The Naked Mind. I just happened to be on the same concept in both books - the fact that alcohol does not bring relief from stress/anxiety/unhappiness/irritability/boredom/depression - it only relieves the stress/anxiety/unhappiness/irritability/boredom/depression that it created in the first place. Drinking just brings my addicted brain back to the way it would be functioning if I wasn't drinking at all. It is an illusion. My brain has my brain physiologically conditioned to only be happy in the presence of alcohol. I can't remember which book this analogy came from but it it was perfect. It is like purposefully getting a blister on your foot just to be able to experience the relief you feel when you take your shoes off.
I am truly excited (and nervous about failing yet again) but mostly excited about cutting this source of stress/anxiety/unhappiness/irritability/boredom/depression out of my life. Figuring out how to cope/socialize/exist/live without all of the bullshit and chaos alcohol brings to my life.
I am having recurring thoughts such as, "What am I going to do about the Renaissance Festival in a week (has been a drunk fest for 15 years - the perfect excuse for day drinking)? What am I going to do if my neighbor or sister asks me to get together this weekend? What am I going to do if the whole neighborhood finally wants to go to my favorite brewery and now I am not drinking? What am I going to do if my sister asks us to go to Florida with her in a month? What am I going to say about not drinking? Should I make something up like I have an ulcer? Should I wait until summer is over to do this? I want to do all of those things and I want to do them sober but I have been down this road so many times that I know the further I get from feeling bad, the weaker my resolve will be. I don't want to fail this time, so I need to do something different, I just don't know what.
Today I am giving myself permission to take it easy and take a nap. My body/brain/soul needs to heal.
Sunday, June 25, 2017
6/25/17 (Sun) Still feeling the effects 4 days later (21 drinks in 8 days)!!!
Yesterday I just felt crappy (and still a bit today) - head pressure, ridiculously tired (even after 10 hours of sleep), kind of out of it and dizzy. I hadn't drank in a couple days and couldn't figure out why. Then it hit me...because you drank 7 out of 8 days - dumbass!
Wed 6/14 drank 3 beers with neighbors
Fri 6/16 drank 4 drinks with my sister (you know - let's get vacation started early as we left the next day)
Sat 6/17 drank 4 glasses of wine (2 at the airport during a layover bc who doesn't drink at the airport? and 2 on the plane which I usually don't do but the tv screen in my seat wasn't working so they offered me wine instead which I was secretly hoping they would do when I complained)
Sun 6/18 drank 2 beers in the afternoon at a brewery bc you have to try out new breweries and 3 glasses of wine the last of which I gulped down secretly in the kitchen of some friends we were visiting which I woke up terrified the next morning someone had seen me
Mon 6/19 drank 3-4 beers - I can't remember (after waking up vowing not to drink for the rest of the vacation)
Tues 6/20 drank 2 glasses of wine with dinner - kinda grumpy all day until I drank
Wed 6/21 drank 2 glasses of wine with dinner - kinda grumpy all day until I drank
That is 21 drinks in 8 days! No wonder my head still feels weird and crappy and dizzy and out of it and tired! And no wonder I weight 20-25 pounds more than I ever have!
Plus I have had at least 3 (I lose track) debilitating hangovers in the 4 weeks preceding vacation.
I read last night in The Naked Mind that eventually we don't even drink for the benefits of alcohol anymore it is more just to cure the withdrawals of not having it - which we do get every time we drink - it is an addictive drug. I don't get shakes or seizures or sweats but I sure as hell get grumpy, irritable, tired and unhappy when not drinking. My kids accused me of being grumpy on the last day of vacation. I swore I wasn't bc I really wasn't upset about anything and not hungover but I do think I was just really blah feeling, kind of quiet...certainly not joyful. They are used to either seeing vacation drinking mama who is hyper, loud and almost having too much fun (or fighting with dh) or hungover mom which is tired and grumpy and quiet. They knew I hadn't drank much the day before so they weren't quite sure what to do with me. Little did they know I was still feeling the effects from the past week of drinking. I told them they just aren't used to sober mom on vacation. I might have been sober but certainly wasn't happy or joyful. Just kind of dragging myself through my days. What a sad way to spend valuable time with my family on vacation. I don't think I can feel pure joy when drinking. I can feel the excitement of the anticipation of drinking and the high I get while drinking but isn't it kind of a sad state of affairs when the only time I feel happiness is when it invokes alcohol.
I wish alcohol didn't effect me the way it does - but it does - and it sucks!
Maybe it is actually a blessing in disguise. Maybe is doesn't suck. Maybe I am the lucky one in that alcohol does have such a profound effect on me, that I need to quit drinking. I, unlike the rest of society it seems, will be free from this drug and finally living the life I want to live while everyone else is still stuck in some state of addiction and denial. My body's reaction to alcohol is the one thing that will set me free.
And yes, Kary May, I am still analyzing and dissecting but I am not drinking lol :)
I know I need to start shifting my thinking from the past and how bad things are and wallowing in my unhappiness to looking forward and being grateful. Instead of focusing on what I am missing - start focusing on what I am gaining by giving up alcohol.
Day 4....and counting 💪👍😀
Wed 6/14 drank 3 beers with neighbors
Fri 6/16 drank 4 drinks with my sister (you know - let's get vacation started early as we left the next day)
Sat 6/17 drank 4 glasses of wine (2 at the airport during a layover bc who doesn't drink at the airport? and 2 on the plane which I usually don't do but the tv screen in my seat wasn't working so they offered me wine instead which I was secretly hoping they would do when I complained)
Sun 6/18 drank 2 beers in the afternoon at a brewery bc you have to try out new breweries and 3 glasses of wine the last of which I gulped down secretly in the kitchen of some friends we were visiting which I woke up terrified the next morning someone had seen me
Mon 6/19 drank 3-4 beers - I can't remember (after waking up vowing not to drink for the rest of the vacation)
Tues 6/20 drank 2 glasses of wine with dinner - kinda grumpy all day until I drank
Wed 6/21 drank 2 glasses of wine with dinner - kinda grumpy all day until I drank
That is 21 drinks in 8 days! No wonder my head still feels weird and crappy and dizzy and out of it and tired! And no wonder I weight 20-25 pounds more than I ever have!
Plus I have had at least 3 (I lose track) debilitating hangovers in the 4 weeks preceding vacation.
I read last night in The Naked Mind that eventually we don't even drink for the benefits of alcohol anymore it is more just to cure the withdrawals of not having it - which we do get every time we drink - it is an addictive drug. I don't get shakes or seizures or sweats but I sure as hell get grumpy, irritable, tired and unhappy when not drinking. My kids accused me of being grumpy on the last day of vacation. I swore I wasn't bc I really wasn't upset about anything and not hungover but I do think I was just really blah feeling, kind of quiet...certainly not joyful. They are used to either seeing vacation drinking mama who is hyper, loud and almost having too much fun (or fighting with dh) or hungover mom which is tired and grumpy and quiet. They knew I hadn't drank much the day before so they weren't quite sure what to do with me. Little did they know I was still feeling the effects from the past week of drinking. I told them they just aren't used to sober mom on vacation. I might have been sober but certainly wasn't happy or joyful. Just kind of dragging myself through my days. What a sad way to spend valuable time with my family on vacation. I don't think I can feel pure joy when drinking. I can feel the excitement of the anticipation of drinking and the high I get while drinking but isn't it kind of a sad state of affairs when the only time I feel happiness is when it invokes alcohol.
I wish alcohol didn't effect me the way it does - but it does - and it sucks!
Maybe it is actually a blessing in disguise. Maybe is doesn't suck. Maybe I am the lucky one in that alcohol does have such a profound effect on me, that I need to quit drinking. I, unlike the rest of society it seems, will be free from this drug and finally living the life I want to live while everyone else is still stuck in some state of addiction and denial. My body's reaction to alcohol is the one thing that will set me free.
And yes, Kary May, I am still analyzing and dissecting but I am not drinking lol :)
I know I need to start shifting my thinking from the past and how bad things are and wallowing in my unhappiness to looking forward and being grateful. Instead of focusing on what I am missing - start focusing on what I am gaining by giving up alcohol.
Day 4....and counting 💪👍😀
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