Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Huge craving/panic attack...why??? 8/9/17 (Wed)

First craving in 48 days!!! No idea why I got it...it was a Tuesday at like 2:00 pm for pete's sakes. My dh is on vacation, was in the garage and a long time friend (another drinking buddy from out 20's) was in the neighborhood and stopped by.  They ended up having a beer (or three). When they were looking for a beer, our friend said, "Anything but that strong IPA!  That's (my name)'s beer."

Whoa!!!! All of a sudden, out of nowhere, it just hit me, like a little mini panic attack. I felt it in my core, my brain started spinning, my heart started racing, I started sweating and feeling kind of a flight or fight feeling. - I really wanted to sit in the garage and have a beer - badly.  Thoughts started creeping in (not really creeping - more like violently invading) like.....You only have two days before school starts, your summer is almost over, Why not? Hey, that would also make the trip you are planning over winter break seem more fun especially if you are staying over New Year's Eve and hey the even your neighbors invited you to Friday would be more fun if you tried moderation again and hey you could have a couple of beers of work buddies after work and you wouldn't have to be different or uncomfortable of feel left out and hey you really weren't that bad anyway (weren't drinking during the week and weren't blacking out). You could just try one more time to successfully moderate...just one more attempt and if you fail this time (aka end up getting hangovers/obsessing/not getting in shape/feeling depresses and anxious and insecure and exhausted and unmotivated and feeling no joy in life... you will quit for good.. You know no one will be mad at you bc they never thought you were that bad anyway. Hey maybe you are not/never were that bad anyway. Maybe you just though you were....and on and on and on for like an hour!!!!!  It was intense. I couldn't sit down. I couldn't relax.  I really wanted a beer and I ALMOST said, "Screw it...I'm having one."

BTW - I think it is interesting that when I am trying to talk myself into drinking it is always in third person almost like it is an outside voice, an alternate personality, the addiction itself talking to me.

Well, I got through it. I don;t know how, but I did.  I poured a seltzer water, went upstairs and started going through all of my clothes for the new school year. I didn't have a mental battle with myself. I just said, "You are going to be very disappointed if you drink. You can do this for one year. You can do this. You just talked to your daughter about having a sober New Year's Eve with her and being able to drive home from vacation this year. She will be understanding if you drink but she will not tell you she is proud if you for trying to moderate again. She will understand but won't say, "I'm proud of you for drinking". You know you won't say that to yourself either. Remember how exhausted/depressed/insecure/unmotivated/sad/out of shape you were when you drank. You KNOW you will get right back to that. You know you will. It has happened so many times.Go read your blog. You have proof. You will throw these 48 days away and eventually have to start again at Day 1. You know it. You know this craving will pass and you will be stronger after it is over. You knew you would eventually have them. You can do this. How would you feel in the morning? Don't think about it. Drink your seltzer water, tear your closet apart and let it pass."

I did, it did pass and I didn't drink.

Day 49

3 comments:

  1. Extremely awesome job.
    The strange cravings come. Even almost 4 years later. The mind is complicated. Addiction is sneaky and sly. That's why sobriety will always require some effort and attention. It's worth it.

    2 days left? Yikes. But just think how amazing it will feel to wake up Monday morning and feel good? It never grows old!

    High five
    Anne

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  2. I agree with Anne!
    GREAT job talking yourself through the cravings.
    I get some now and then, but so seldom.

    I am really proud of myself for stopping drinking, and you will be so proud of yourself, too! NOTHING is made better by drinking, and as you wrote, it brings us much pain!

    Good luck on your first day!!
    xo
    Wendy

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  3. Thank you! It is comforting to know both of you are always listening :). I have never met you but I feel accountable to you in some weird way. Like I don't want to let you down lol. I guess that is called support.

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