Saturday, August 12, 2017

Full disclosure - slight HO today 8/12/17 (Sat)

So yesterday was the first Friday back at work after summer break.  August is probably in the top three hardest months for me with alcohol (along with May and December).  Before school starts I just want to get in as much partying as I can. Then once school does start, I am stressed and trying to adjust and really craving that drink on a Friday after being at work all day.  It takes me a little while to settle in. I do know that two of my addiction triggers are stress bc alcohol helps everything in my head just slow down and being tired bc alcohol gives me energy and helps me feel less lethargic.  I realize that sounds contradictory, but in some strange way alcohol calms my mind and helps me relax while at the same time giving me energy to enjoy my evening rather that sitting on the couch being tired.  Kinda weird but true. Except for when I drink too much and embarrass myself (which isn't too often), I really do enjoy drinking while I am drinking.  I am a fun drinker - full of energy and positive energy.  I never pick fights and am supportive and cheerful, although also dominating and overly sensitive. I don't black out and can almost always remember everything that happened, even though sometimes it takes some hard mental thought the next morning.

It is the after effects, both mentally and physically, that kill me. The mental and physical hangovers that last for days and were making me sad every day where torture. And the mental obsession with not being able to do what I know I should do was crushing my soul.

So...last night my drinking buddy neighbor asked us if we wanted to go to a festival in our town.  We had blown them off a few times, so I thought we should probably go bc I do really like them and they always want us to come along.  They are both pretty heavy drinkers. Both are retired and also do their fair share of marijuana. They are super fun and I really like hanging out with her especially, as she is just a positive, fun loving, never complaining kind of person.

I told her I wasn't drinking for awhile.  She has known me long enough to know that I say this 2-4 times a year.  I think she gets disappointed, but doesn't say so and is always supportive. She knows how much I suffer from hangovers and what alcohol does to my body so she doesn't push me to drink.  She asked me if I wanted an mj gummy (which is legal in my state btw). I have tried it before and haven't liked it but I was desperate to go to this dumb festival and be able to relax, gain some energy and have a good time.  What I really wanted to do was curl up on my couch and binge watch tv, but that sounded depressing and a waste of a beautiful Friday evening, so I said yes.  I said, "It's not like I have this desire to be sober the rest of my life, I just don't like what alcohol does to me."

So I only ate 1/2 of one (which is the amount she takes that she says gets her "loaded".  I'm not going to lie, I was kind of excited. It took about an hour for me to feel it in my throat, tongue, and mouth - kind of a swollen, dry feeling - but never really felt it in my head.  In fact it made me less patient with the whole evening bc I just kept waiting for the "high" (which I do miss) to kick in.  It never happened and I just felt super uncomfortable with my lame water bottle while everyone around me was having such a good time listening to the band and getting hammered.  I just felt so old...

I came home and went to bed with my heart racing, my head pounding and my mouth feeling like the Sahara desert.  I had a really hard time falling asleep (maybe 4 hours later it finally kicked in and I didn't like it) and I remember thinking, "Maybe it is about being sober bc this is what it felt like to go to bed buzzed and I don't like it. I don't really want to waste one of my good weekend sleeping nights fighting being buzzed - by any substance."

I woke up this morning with a headache, sore/weird feeling throat, swollen lymph nodes in my neck, and pretty exhausted from not sleeping well.  The good news - I guess I don't have to be worried about being addicted to another substance bc I officially do not like mj.  The bad news - I still have to figure out how not to be boring/feel uncomfortable in a party atmosphere while sober.

Also good news - I didn't drink even though I was pretty jealous of everyone else having a good time getting their party on...It's not that I really wanted to drink - I just wanted to have a good time, which was not happening.

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