I just spent an hour reading my past history on this blog. Since I started blogging in August of 2011, I sound like a broken record. How many years am I going to waste? I am getting sicker, more depressed, fatter, less healthy, more exhausted, more obsessed, more anxious as every day, month, year pass. How much more time am I going to waste in this road to nowhere?
I am waiting for my naltrexone to get here. I am hoping that it somehow helps me be able to drink without over drinking and ultimately not care about it so much. If this doesn't work, I will seriously consider the road to absitance again. I am truly tired of living like this - and I am saying this without a hangover.
Regardless - no alcohol for the next 5 days. I have got to get back to healthy eating and working out. I know I won't do that tomorrow if I drink tonight.
Which is better, abstinence or moderation? The answer to that question is within each person. Before I quit, I was feeling the same way you describe...anxious, depressed, fatter, less healthy, all of it. It was only after I quit that I was able to see what I had been doing to myself, even by drinking in what others might call a "moderate" way. The difference in my mood and outlook was shocking once I stopped putting alcohol in my system. So when I started to entertain the thought of going back to moderation, I asked myself "Why?" What does drinking offer me? Empty calories, depression, weight gain, and bloating, not to mention the low-level anxiety that I now realize was mostly caused by the alcohol itself. I drank to get that buzz, so what's the point of moderating if the very purpose to give myself permission to moderate is so I can continue to self-medicate? The answer for me is that there is no point in just having one now and then. That's just like lighting matches near a gas can for me. All I'm doing is opening the door to sliding farther down into unhealthy alcohol use until I eventually get to the point where I can't stop. I am 306 days in, and I really don't miss it anymore. Sure, I get a fleeting thought now and then that it would be nice to be able to numb out after a stressful week, or enjoy a margarita with friends, but it's just not worth it. It's really not that hard to say no anymore, as it's just automatic now. For me, that has been the benefit of abstinence...the consistency and the lack of arguing with myself about when I can drink, how much I can drink, how slowly do I have to drink it... it was fucking exhausting, to be honest. I don't miss that at all. I feel free now, and I feel like I'm finally connecting with myself because I'm not trying to medicate all the time. I don't know if any of this helps, but you and I are the same age, and I've been through a lot of the feelings you describe, almost to a tee. Abstinence was freeing and so worth it for me. I just can't imagine ever going back now. But it did take some time to get to where the cravings were gone and replaced with just plain old nostalgia for drinking days that weren't really that great.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this lengthy post. It really does help to hear responses like this. I think deep down inside, I want to post something just like you did someday. I am a little jealous.
DeleteHave you tried inpatient rehab? It seems like that, with naltrexone, might be an option.
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